Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 304 Reel 1.... "MST 1/2 Part IV" In the not too distant future, another September day Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank left to go their separate way They left by using the time machine To go back home to Deep 13 But disturbance put the SOL off base The Satellite Of Love fell out of space!!! The satellite crash landed, near a little Chinese spring (lalala) All 6 were thrown into it by the force of the landing (lalala) Now keep in mind this certain spring had a curse that was at hand (lalala) And the curse affected Joel and Mike, and also their robot friends! ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot (on a rage) Gypsy ("Richard Basehart") Tom Servo ("lookin' good") Croooow!! (still a wisecracker) Gizmonic Institute's their goal, as they trek from day to day (lalala) And repeat to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!! (no door sequence...SOL is gone. In a remote part of Lithuania, a train pulls into the station, where Joel, Mike, and the bots are unceremoniously kicked off! They are in their normal forms) CONDUCTOR: And next time, have some more money with you!! JOEL (rubbing his sore hinder): Crow, I don't think 5000 rubles was quite enough to get us all the way to the coast. TOM: Yeah, well if erector set over there didn't spend most of our money on RAM chips, we'd have had the money. CROW: What could I do? I was hungry, and RAM chips are expensive nowadays! Besides, it was my money to spend. MIKE: You know, we're not getting to the Twin Cities any faster, you guys. (Gypsy and Cambot have already started walking [or slithering, in Gypsy's case, and floating, in Cambot's] toward the nearest town. [ok so neither of them were walking....jeez, I'm only a fanfic writer O.o]) JOEL: Gypsy and Cambot are already ahead of us, you guys... MIKE: And frankly, I'm getting hungry....Crow's RAM purchases made us cut down on our food consumption. TOM: And just how many hamdingers did you think you could eat, anyway? MIKE: Good point, Tom. (Cambot looks back at his cohorts and gives them a 'come on' signal. The others join up with their floating comrade. Soon afterward, they come upon an area hotel) JOEL: Hi...um...we need a room for 6? (The desk clerk looks around at Joel...then Mike...then the bots) CLERK: Um....we don't allow....that is...are those pets? (Cambot, outraged, gets in the clerk's face) TOM: Do we *look* like pets, bub? CLERK: Ok! Ok! Room for....um....six. (The clerk hands Joel. Mike and the bots their keys, slipping Cambot's key in Gypsy's mouth along with Gypsy's own key. After making their way up the stairs, they get to their room. Joel opens the door to see....) MIKE: That's a room for 6?? (The room is small....almost painfully small. There is one bed on the far corner, and there isn't even a TV) MIKE: One single bed? JOEL: No chairs? CROW: No TV? TOM: No bathroom? (Everyone looks over to Tom) TOM: I'm serious! No bathroom! (He looks all over the room, and the others search the room as well. Tom was correct, there is no bathroom) GYPSY: Hey guys! Look here! (Gypsy indicates a paper stuck to the door that reads "Bathroom at end of hall") MIKE: At least we don't have to worry about any unwanted changes. The nearest water supply is-- (Suddenly, the celing develops a hole right above Cambot, sending a gush of water from the bathroom above crashing down. The transformation ensues. Tom quickly hands Cambot her jumpsuit) CAMBOT (getting dressed): Damned hotel....this place is a flea trap! I'm going to the manager! (Cambot storms out of the room) TOM: Joel, one question: When you created Cambot, what OS did you use? JOEL: Amiga OS CROW: AMIGA?!? JOEL: Well, it *was* 1988. MIKE: Well, it *does* explain why Cambot's so angry...maybe he's angry over running a dead OS. (Meanwhile, in the lobby) CAMBOT: What's the idea of holing us up in this cramped quarters? We asked for a room for 6! We got a room for 1! Are you so bl-- (A hand rests on Cambot's shoulder) CAMBOT: What? MAN (takes slightly aback): Calm down, miss. I had heard earlier that you and your group are trying to get to back to America. Specifically the state of Minnesota. CAMBOT: What of it? MAN: My name is Andrei Reklavich, world famous figure skater. CAMBOT: So why have I never heard of you? (Andrei facefaults) ANDREI: That's not important! What is important is that if you can beat me in a figure skating match, I'll pay for a trip toward your destination. (Cambot just looks at Andrei) CAMBOT: What's the catch? ANDREI: If you lose, you go on a date with me. (Andrei's turn to look at Cambot. He was of fairly average build, normal for a figure skater of the class he claimed to be) CAMBOT (smiling evilly): Deal! (thinks): With my superior memory, I'll know every figure skating move there is! It'll be a cinch! (doodle-ee doodle-ee doodle-ee.....back in the hotel room) CAMBOT: What do you mean there's no hot water?? JOEL (now female): Well, I went to go to the restroom, and when I went to wash my hands, I found out there was no hot water. CAMBOT: So how am I supposed to absorb all these figure skating moves with an inferior human brain? JOEL: Remember it was an 'inferior' human brain that created your original plans. CAMBOT (defeated): Touche' *sigh* I'm doomed. MIKE: All's not lost, guys...I mean...none of us have ever heard of this 'Andrei' guy, perhaps he's just bluffing. TOM: Well, only way to find out... (Two days later, at a local ice rink, the stands are filled with people. It is a local ice skating contest) CROW: Does *this* answer your question, Tom? MIKE: Sounds like he's a fan favorite around here. (Gypsy looks all around, looking at the various "We love Andrei" and "Andrei is #1" posters around) GYPSY: I hope Cambot knows what he's doing! (Meanwhile, in the locker room, Cambot is getting ready for the match. Joel, still in female form, is getting her ready) CAMBOT: What's wrong with the jumpsuit? (She is dressed in a figure-skating outfit. It is rather tight-fitting on her, showing off every curve of her curse-body. It's a red strapless outfit that displays her chest liek every guy's dream, and exposes a lot of leg, her soft skin glist-- *ahem* anyway, she looked rather attractive) CAMBOT: Just what we need, a lesbian author! (Cambot shuts up) CAMBOT: Why you li-- mmph! mmph! JOEL: Thank you, author (No problem) JOEL: Well, anyone knows that if you're appearing in a figure skating contest, you have to dress in a really skimpy outfit. CAMBOT: Joel... (looks down her outfit) Jeez, this neckline plunges so deep you can fit Zigra down there! ANNOUNCER (in arena): Ladies and Gentlemen...the main event! JOEL: That's our cue...remember that Robinson spirit I instilled in you. Robinsons never quit. CAMBOT: I'm doomed... JOEL: Cambot, what was it I wanted you all to remember when we started watching bad movies? Don't throw in the towel-- CAMBOT (joining Joel to say): --until the towel's thrown at you. JOEL (pep increasing in her voice): That's right! So show this guy exactly what a Robinson is made of! CAMBOT: Beat him! Beat him! Beat him! JOEL: There you go! Go get him! (Cambot gets up on her skated feet and enthusiastically runs out of the room, then proceeds to fall on her face when she leaves the locker room) JOEL: Maybe I should have told Cambot not to run in skates.... (Back in the arena, Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy [Mike in female form due to the need to bathe] are seated, watching the announcer.....announce) ANNOUNCER: The challenger! From the United States, on the team of... "Satellite Of Love"? Cammy Robinson! CAMBOT (whispering, Joel next to her): "Cammy"? JOEL (whispering back): It didn't seem right to call a human "Cambot". (Cambot rolls her eyes for a bit, then skates out onto the ice, to much whistling) CAMBOT: Thank you! Thank you! (She smiles and bows) (Back in the stands) CROW: Should we tell her that whistling here means the same as booing in the USA? TOM: Naah, let her wallow in ignorance! ANNOUNCER: And now, the champion.... (Crowd starts cheering already) ANNOUNCER: From here in Lithuania for Team Lithuania! ANDREI REKLAVICH!!! (Andrei skates out onto the ice to a roaring cheer, fans occasionally throw- ing flowers out onto the ice for him, which he dutifully picks up) ANDREI: I love you all! Thank you!! (Andrei and Cambot meet in the center of the ice, where the announcer has been standing all this time) ANDREI: Ah, so your name is Cammy! I will go out with you yet! This will be my easist win ever! CAMBOT: Don't bet on it! (The head judge walks tot he center of the ice) HEAD JUDGE: Ok, the both of you will skate an improvised routine to the same techno song. The better skater, by decision of the judges, wins. Fail- ure to finish the song is a loss. (Cambot and Andrei both nod in agreement) HEAD JUDGE: Challenger first. (The head judge, the announcer, and Andrei all leave the ice as the music starts. Cambot starts her routine while Mike, Joel [now in stands], and the bots watch her) TOM: Was that The Bird? CROW: Yeah, a Dodo Bird! JOEL: Yeah, see here she's going to try a triple-axel......or maybe not. MIKE: Looked more like a *car axle*! TOM: She is so....so... GYPSY: Not won? TOM: Yeah, you can say that. MIKE: OOO! That looked like it hurt! The skate caught in a rut on the ice! CROW: Keep telling yourself that, Mike...it feels better. GYPSY: Is she supposed to skate on that? MIKE: I don't think so TOM: I think she may get a 10... in INCOMPETANCE! GYPSY: Ooh! That was a nice spin! CROW: Yeah, but you're supposed to spin on your *skates*!! GYPSY: Oh! TOM: Hey, where's Joel? (They look around. Joel left after uttering her one comment. The music ends shortly after. Cambot looks like she's in a very uncomfortable pose) ANNOUNCER: Judges? (The 5 judges give her.... 1.2, 1.1, 0.9, 1.0, 0.3) ANNOUNCER (under breath): Damn Russian judge... (normal voice): And now, the champion, Andrei Reklavich! (Cheers from audience. Andrei makes his way back to the ice, but... some- thing sticks out in his path, and he falls on his knees! He yells in pain!) ANDREI: NOOOOOO!!! WHY ME!!!! WHY ME!!!!! (Mike and the bots [including Cambot] watch in utter disbelief. Joel returns soon with a slice of pizza) JOEL: I'm back. What did I miss? TOM: Joel!! I didn't know you had it in you! JOEL (surprised): Had *what* in me? ANNOUNCER: Reklavich has suffered a trip on his way to the ice, and has damaged his knees. He automatically forfeits!! CAMBOT: Thanks, Joel! About time *you* saved *my* butt for a change! JOEL: But I didn't-- CROW: Yeah, yeah.... WE know! *heh* JOEL: But I just went to get some pizza. What happened? MIKE: As if you didn't know.... GYPSY: Joel saved us! JOEL: Saved you from what? CAMBOT: I suggest we get out of here.... TOM: I second! (Mike and the bots rush out of the arena, dragging a rather bewildered Joel behind them) (Later, at the hotel) JOEL: But I swear I didn't do anything! TOM: Joel, it's ok. You don't have to tell us. (Knock-knock) GYPSY: Visitor! We have a visitor! (Cambot goes over and opens the door. It's Andrei, on crutches) CAMBOT: What do you want? ANDREI: I will uphold my agreement. Here are your plane tickets. Six of you, right? CAMBOT: Yeah....um....thank you. ANDREI: I am a man of my word, if nothing else. (Andrei gives the tickets to Cambot and leaves) CAMBOT: Well, at least we have the tickets. GYPSY: Where are we going to? (Cambot opens up the package) CAMBOT: What the--?! MIKE: Where are they to, Cambot? TOM: Yeah, make with the scoop! CAMBOT: Berlin, Germany... CROW: BERLIN?? But we were supposed to get tickets to Minneapolis! TOM, GYPSY, MIKE, JOEL, MAGIC VOICE: YEAH!!! CAMBOT: There's a letter in here. "Here are your tickets toward the United States. It was all I could afford. Andrei" (Cambot, Crow, Tom, Gypsy, and Mike all groan and pratfall) JOEL: Well..... (shrugs) it *is* toward the United States. T H E E N D PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS: #305 - MST 1/2 Part 5 Berlin, after the wall. That city may have been through a lot, but nothing like what's about to happen when Crow gets charged with a theft while in his cursed form! Of course, since all the cursed forms look like his, hilarity results! #306 - MST 1/2 Part 6 New York City! The glamour! The glitz! The endless taxicabs! And Joel, Mike, and the 'bots are stuck right in the middle of it when a 4- person boy band wants to make use of Joel's technical know-how to create an artificial 5th member because, well, 5 is cool! Also, one of the band mistakes a certain red-haired type of person for a stalker! **************************************************************************** * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead, is purely coincidental * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions * * * * 'Jusenkyo' and 'Nyanichuan' Copyright 1987 Rumiko Takahashi * * * * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 2001 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "MST 1/2 Part 4" - (C) 2001 * ****************************************************************************