Subject: Mystery Science Theater 3000 Adventures #301- misted Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 03:15:22 EDT From: MST3KGirl007@aol.com To: emiofbrie@earthlink.net, mneylon@engin.umich.edu MSTer's Note: This is my very first MiSTing that I've decided to actually show to other human beings besides myself. The characters are Mike, the bots, Frank, and Dr. F. Uh, the fan-fic is owned by Emi M. Briet. MST3K is owned by Best Brains Inc. but, none of this is mine, I get no money. I wish I got money, but no... no money. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy this. Oh, you can contact me at MST3KGirl007@aol.com *** (Mike is onscreen alone, looking *very* pannicky occasionally he twiches and looks around nervously) Mike: Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm kind of nervous right now because it's April First... aka, Armaggeddon. (The bots come on screen quickly) Mike: Yikes! Crow: Calm down, Mike, geez, what crawled up your shorts? Tom: Yeah, what's wrong? Mike: (still careful) Uhm, I'm afraid you're going to pull April Fool's pranks. Crow: (snorts) We're more mature than *that*! Mike: Oh... okay, I'll just go to my room now. (eyes the robots once more and walks off screen) (the bots are silent for a moment, then...) Bots: (in unison) 5...4...3...2...1... (there is a scream off screen and a sound of something gloppy) Crow: (laughs uproariously) Tom: (between laughter) Ah... poor... *snickers* sap!! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! We'll be right back!! *snickers* (commercials) (when we get back, Mike is drying himself off) Mike: (talking to himself) Very funny. Dilluted whipped cream over my door. What was I thinking trusting two deranged robots? (the Mads' Light begins to flash) Mike: Yes, Bringers of Pain? (Deep 13) (Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are onscreen) Dr. F: Ah, Nelson, why are you all wet? (SoL) (Mike has the robots by their necks) Mike: Oh, April Fool's. (tightens his grip) Bots: Gaack! (Deep 13) Dr. F: Uh... oh-kaaaay. Right. I'm feeling merciful today. You go first on the Invention Exchange. (SoL) (Mike is holding a plunger with musical notes on it. He no longer has the bots in a death-grip) Tom: What we have here is the Song Plunger. Crow: You know how sometimes you get songs stuck in your head and they get *really* irritating after a while? Tom: Well, we created this little plumber's helper to do just that. Crow and I put a walkman on Mike's head while he slept last night, lodging the song "Blue" by Eiffel65 into his subconscious. Mike: (shocked) I hate that song! (twiches suddenly and sings with a sour expression on his face) I'm blue, da ba dee da ba dye, da ba dee da ba dye, da ba dee da ba dye. (twiches) Crow: Use the plunger, Mike! (Mike puts the plunger to his right ear and, well, plunges) Mike: (removing the plunger from his ear; a smile grows on his face) It's gone! Oh, the relief! All: Sirs? (Deep 13) Dr. F: Tsk, tsk, tsk, Michael, yet another invention to *help* mankind. My invention will be of help for all mad scientists everywhere! I present to you...(flourishes his arm to the left) the Wheel-o-Evil! (a multicolored wheel with numbers 1-100 is at his left, as is Frank) Dr. F: The Wheel-o-Evil gives your average mad scientist new and exciting ways to destroy his enemies! Spin the wheel, Frank. (Frank spins the wheel) Frank: 'Round and 'round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows! (the wheel lands on number 75. Frank peels a card off of the wheel beneath the number) Frank: (reading) "Number 75, replace your enemy's mind with that of a lemming and drive him to the Grand Canyon." Oooh! That's a goody, Steve! (suddenly there is a knocking sound) Dr. F: Get the door, Frankie. (Frank walks off screen) Dr. F: Anyway, like I was saying... (he is cut off by Frank's voice) Frank: CLAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! ( he runs in waving a letter, he hands it to Dr. F) (Dr. F reads the letter aloud) Dr. F: (reading) "Dear Doctor Forrester, we regret to inform you that we will be removing Frank from your service. We know you got him from an Arby's, but we have a better mad scientist for Frank: Doctor Maybe, Dr. No's cousin. We will be picking Frank up in roughly two hours. Good day. Sincerely, the Council on Half-witted Assisstants." (pauses and looks at Frank; dejectedly) Well, you'd better go pack... Frank: But Clay!! Dr. F: Just go!! (Frank walks off screen sadly) Dr. F: (still dejectedly) Anyway, today your fanfic is "MST 1/2 Part 1" of the Mystery Science Theater Adventures. It's not what you'd call a *normal* fanfiction. In fact, it's very ... awkward for you, probably. (voice cracks) I think I'll go lay down for a while. {SoL} Mike: Do either of you know what "Mystery Science Theater" or something like that is? Tom: Nope. Crow: Sounds like a bad show on PBS. (sirens flash and klaxons sound) Mike: Oh no, we've got EMBARRASSMENT SIGN!!! Bots: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (doorway sequence) >Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 301 Reel 1. . . . > "MST 1/2 Part I" > > LAST TIME ON MSTA: > > (The SOL starts plummetting to the ground!) Mike: SOL? SOL?! *OUR* SOL?!?!? > > TOM: *snif* It was nice knowing you all. . . Tom: Wow, this is like looking into a twisted mirror or something deep like that. > > CROW: *snif* Until next life!! > > GYPSY: *snif* Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart ! ! Crow: I've got a theory of how this author knew of us. Mike: Do tell. Crow: I bet this author found out about us by sitting in the tree outside Gizmonic Institute with binoculars. > > JOEL: We're going down in China ! > > MAGIC VOICE: Impact in 15 seconds > > MIKE: Gypsy, try to bring the nose up ! > > TOM: Mike,the ship doesn't have a 'nose' . Crow: There's Mike's mechanical abilities for ya. > > GYPSY: Trying. . . Tom: (Yoda) No, do or do not, there is no try. > > MAGIC VOICE: Impact in 5. . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Impact-- > > (The SOL crashes onto the ground and splits in half next to a small spring of > water. Joel, Mike, and the bots are thrown out of the ship into the spring > A few bubbles come to the surface Crow: Whew, the spring shouldn't have had those beans for lunch. > . . . .are they ok?) Mike: Uh, you're asking us? If it was me, I'd want to live. Tom: Ditto. > > MAGIC VOICE (a bit garbled): Guys. . . . .guys. . . . > > (Suddenly, 6 beautiful red-headed girls arise from the spring!) Mike: I do *not* like the way this is going... > > ALL 6 GIRLS (looking at each other): AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Crow: What? They act like they've never been girls before... Mike: Well, I haven't. Crow: You sure? Mike: Positive. Crow: 'Cause one can never be too sure. Mike: You're just delaying the fanfic from going on, aren't you? Crow: God, yes. Is it working? Mike: Not any more. > > NEW THEME: > In the not too distant future, another September day Crow: Why September? Why not March or August? Or Octember? Mike: Octember? Tom: Yes, Octember! Haven't you ever read Dr. Suess? Mike: Not since I was about six. Tom: (shaking his head) Poor, poor man... > Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank left to go their seperate way Crow: Huh, I'd think that if Frank wanted liberation from Dr. F, he'd be in several pieces. > They left by using the time machine Mike: (as Doc Brown) We've got to get you back ... TO THE FUTURE!!! > To go back home to Deep 13 Crow: Or they could have taken the bus... there's not that much of a difference. > But disturbance put the SOL off base > The Satellite of Love fell out of space ! ! ! All: (imitate various crashing sounds) > > The satellite crash landed, near a little Chinese spring (lalala) > All 6 were thrown into it by the force of the landing (lalala) > Now keep in mind this certain spring had a curse that was at hand (lalala) > And the curse affected Joel and Mike, and also their robot friends ! Crow: Lalala? Mike, lalala? Mike: I dunno, maybe it's that Teletubby Laa-laa's evil clone. Tom: (shudders) > > ROBOT ROLL CALL > Cambot (on a rage) > Gypsy ("Richard Basehart") > Tom Servo ("lookin' good") > Croooow! ! (still a wisecracker) Crow: Hey, guys, did you realize the only lines Gypsy has had so far has been Richard Basehart and "Trying"? Mike: Yeah, your point is ...? Crow: Just thought you'd like to know. (silence) Tom: Pointless usage of space, Number 1, ladies and gents. > > Gizmonic Institute's their goal, as they trek from day to day (lalala) Crow: (Shatner-esque) These are the ... wanderings of ... the Satellite ... of Love. > And repeat to yourself, "It's just a file," and let it go where it may Mike: You know that one line has driven more young files into Juvenile Detention than any other sentence. Bots: Hmm. > > On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES ! ! ! ! Tom: Yeek! Watch the eardrums! > > > (no door sequence . . .SOL's in ruins) > (the 6 girls are in panic . . . .but who are they??) Crow: I don't know... the Spice Girls and an innocent bystander? (short pause) All: Yeeeeeaaaaaaauuuughhhhhh! Not the Spice Girls! (Tom starts to shake, Mike ducks under his seat, and Crow starts to inch toward the door, Mike stops him) > > ONE OF THE GIRLS: Richard Basehart! ! Richard Basehart! ! Mike: Oh. Well, then, now I **REALLY** don't like where this is going. > > ANOTHER: Well, now we know which one of us is Gypsy ! > > (yup . . . .the curse ! !) Crow: (all the girls) Man! I can't believe we're all on the same cycle alrea dy! Mike: I don't even want to think about that, Crow. > CROW: Servo, is that you? > > TOM: Yeah. . .what in the name of Mitchell happened to us? Tom: So... Mitchell's name has been used as an exclaimation and curse, perhaps? Mike: Makes sense to me. > > JOEL: Now calm down. . .I'm sure there's a rational explanation for all this ! Crow: Hey! Joel's turning into Scully! > > TOM: Oh yeah, right, Joel ! We fall into a pond of water and resurface as > redhead, buxom, curvy . . . . waitaminute . . . . ( turns to Crow ) You know, > Crow, you don't look too bad ! Mike: Oh, wonderful, not only are we girls, but Tom's beginning to drift to the Isle of Lesbos. Crow: Mike! That was *my* joke! Mike: Ah, bite me. Crow: Mike, what was that sudden burst of aggression?! Mike: We all just got turned into girls in this fanfic. Justified? Bots: Justified. > > CROW: I don't know whether this is hell. . .or heaven! Crow: Seems more like an interminable Pergatory to me... > > MIKE: I think what we have here is a phenomenon of nature, but you must > admit, it does present some interesting possibilities ! Mike: Interesting possibilitis? I think I'm afraid to ask. Tom: You could be a whitehouse intern. Mike: (disgusted) Augh! Now that's just *sick*, Tom!! > > GYPSY: But how do we change back? > > ( Mike, Joel, Tom, and Crow all shrug ) Mike: I'm pretty sure I'd be more upset over this. I mean- how would you like to tell your mom you were shot into space as a *guy* and came back as a *girl*? Crow: Hey, Mike, it's happened before, only with Sweden instead of outer space. > > TOM: Hey . . .who's that 6th girl? > > (The 6th girl climbs out of the pool and addresses the SOL crew) Tom: (girl) For score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation. Crow: The Gettysburg Address riff, ladies and gents. > > 6TH: ALL RIGHT! ! I have had it up to HERE! ! > > JOEL: huh? Mike: Our words exactly, Joel. > > 6TH: Ever since this whole adventure started, I must have saved your butts > about 10 times! And I don't even get so much as a 'thank you' ! ! Who was it > who scanned the lawbooks of Tantalus-III?? > > MIKE: Wait . . . . that's . . . > > TOM: Cambot! ! ! > > CAMBOT: That's right! And who got wise to Timmy not once, but *twice*? Crow: What is it with the author's compulsion to add everyone we've encountered over the years? Tom: Got me... (long pause) Mike: (clears his throat) Filibuster? Crow: MAN! Tom: Pointless usage of space number 2, for all you counting. > > JOEL: You. . . Tom: (gruff, mobster voice) ... dirty rat. > > CAMBOT: And who was it that put you wise to Mike's 'girlfriend' ?? Mike: Okay, on that weird note, let's go. (Mike picks up Tom and walks out of the theater followed by Crow) (doorway sequence) (we open to Deep 13, Frank is in his room packing) Frank: You know, I'm really gonna miss this place ... in fact, it makes me want to ... sing! (Frank begins to sing what sounds ominously like a rip off of Third Eye Blind's "How's it Going to Be") Frank: (singing) I'm only pretty sure, that I won't be back anymore. Before I spread my wings, I wonder, what am I leaving for? When he says out loud, "Push the button, Frank." I wonder, why is my mind going blank? I wonder... (cut to Dr. F, singing in the same fashion) Dr. F: (singing) How's it gonna be, when he leaves town? How's it gonna be, when he's not around? How's it gonna be, when there's no one left to kill, between him and me, 'cause killin' Mike'd be for nil. How's it gonna be? How's it gonna be? (back to Frank) Frank: (singing) Where there used to be a guy named Joel, now there's a guy named Mike. Some bots I can't control, like all that new rock-and-roll. This place will be empty. I can't see Clayton bugged thus far, when he was always, out to kill me. I wonder... (back to Dr. F) Dr. F: (singing) How's it gonna be, when he leaves town? How's it gonna be, when he's not around? How's it gonna be, when there's no one left to kill, between him and me, 'cause killin' Mike'd be for nil. How's it gonna be? (cut to slit screen with both singing in unison) Both: (singing) How's it gonna be when he won't know me anymore? How's it gonna be? (Dr. F, alone, shouting/singing) Dr. F: I wanna hear the sound his head makes, when, I grab somethin' hard, and bash his skull in! I wanna cause him lots of pain, And take no time to refrain! To refrain. (slit screen) Both: (singing/shouting) How's it gonna be, when he won't know me anymore?! How's it gonna be?! How's it gonna be? How's it gonna be? (music stops and they are both in tears on the slit screen) Frank: HOW *IS* IT GONNA BE, ANYWAY?!?!? (SoL) (Mike is staring at the screen with very wide eyes. He drops a can of Pepsi and blinks a couple of times. He then shakes his head. Suddenly, fanfic sign) Mike: Oh, no, we've got EMBARRASSMENT SIGN!!! (under his breath) And confusion... (doorway sequence) (the bots are already in their seats) Mike: You guys will not believe what Dr. F and Frank just did! Tom: Later, Mike. > > MIKE: That was you. . . Tom: (to Mike) Me? What did I do? Crow: (ditto) Me? What did I do? Mike: (sighs) No, morons, the fanfic me. Bots: Oooooooooh! > > CAMBOT: But I have never heard *any* gratitude ! ! From now on I will > *not* put anything on still-store, I will *not* give you Rocket #9, and > I will *not* travel with you anymore . . . . .not unless you apologise! ! > > CROW: Hey, we didn't have anything to do with-- > > CAMBOT: SHUT UP! ! Mike: So... Cambot's mad as hell and she's not gonna take it anymore? > > MIKE: Okay, okay . . . .I apologise . . .we took you for granted and we shouldn't > have . . . . are we all agreed? > > CROW: Well, I still say Cambot's making a big deal out of-- > > (Mike glares at Crow) Crow: Hey, Mike, watch out, your face could stick that way. > > CROW: OK, OK. . . . . we're sorry. > > CAMBOT: Good ! > > (suddenly a Chinese man wearing a uniform runs toward the SOL crew) Tom: What uniform? Army uniform? Private school uniform? UPS salesman uniform? Crow: Stop it, Servo. Tom: Postal worker uniform? ... (Mike clamps his hand over Servo's mouth) > > JUSENKYO GUIDE: Oh no . . . . . too late! ! > > TOM: Huh? > > JUSENKYO GUIDE: You fall in Nyannichuan. . . . . tragic story about young girl > > > who drown there one thousand five hundred year ago ! Crow: Hold on a second, this is China, right? Mike: Yeah. Crow: And the forms we get turned into are redhead girls, right? Mike: Uh-hmm. Crow: And ... SINCE WHEN DO NATIVE CHINESE GIRLS HAVE RED HAIR, MIKE, HUH?!?!?!?!?! Mike: Augh! (soothing voice) Okay, Crow, shhhh. Just smile and nod, honey. Crow: (sobbing) B-but th-the h-hair and *sniff* and... > > TOM: So? > > JUSENKYO GUIDE: Legend say anyone who fall into Nyannichuan take on body of > young girl . . . . see, now you all young girls ! All: (Ben Stein Level of Enthusiasm) Yay... > > CROW: This can't be happening ! ! > > JOEL: What's the cure for this? > > JUSENKYO GUIDE: No cure. . . . just temporary fix . . . .hot water ! > Tom: So ... getting turned into a girl is like having some STD's? Just fixes it up for a while? Mike, I'm confused. Could you just go up to any girl on the street, drench her, and she'll be a guy? Mike: (coughs uneasily) Well, you see, Tom, there are two kinds of humans. Men, like me, and women, who ... are different... Awww, just forget about it, Tom. > (The SOL crew looks toward each other) > > CROW: SHOWER! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Crow: ... is something you should look into, Mike. Mike: (mumbling) > > (The entire SOL crew runs toward. . .well. . . somewhere where they hope to find > hot water) > > JUSENKYO GUIDE: No . . . .not here . . .must go to town. > > (The SOL crew stops in their tracks) Crow: (mimicking a car coming to a stop) Scrreeeeeeeeeeeeeech! > > MIKE: Then what are we waiting for, let's go to town. Mike: And paint it red. > > CAMBOT: I believe we are forgetting a couple of things. . . . > > TOM: What? > > CAMBOT: Well, first off, although Joel and Mike may be wearing clothes, we > former bots are *not* ! ! Mike: Yaugh! (shields the bots eyes) Tom: It's okay, Mike, remember Dr. F and Frank sent us "Supernova" for our crappy movie of the week a couple of weeks ago. Crow: And we also ran into you in the shower when we were looking for someone to decide which cartoon pet was better: Snoopy or Garfield. Mike: (turns a deep crimson red and removes his hands from the bots eyes) > CROW: Oh. . . .oh yeah. . .heh heh > > CAMBOT: And second, we have to try to rescue Magic Voice ! > > JOEL: That's right, we almost forgot Magic Voice ! > > (The SOL crew go back to the wreckage of the SOL. Cambot finds a stock of > jumpsuits) > > CAMBOT: Here, so we can tell us all apart. Tan, Green, Blue, and Red jump- > suits. Mike: Well, I'm already wearing a green jumpsuit... no, I promised myself I wouldn't think too hard... I don't want to blow a fuse. > > CROW: I'll take the tan one ! > > TOM: Red's for me ! > > GYPSY: I like blue ! > > CAMBOT: So I guess that leaves the Green for me. Now zip them up all > the way so they'll stay with us in case we turn back > to bots. Crow: Why? I've avoided clothing my years of life... don't see why I gotta start now. > > MIKE: I found her ! Magic Voice ! ! Tom: (as Mike) It would have been easier, but she doesn't have a face to put on a milk carton. > > (Mike gets out a disk labeled "Magic Voice") Crow: (sarcastic to a fault) Gee, I wonder what could be in there. > > JOEL: Hey, I found this old computer casing with some RAM in it. . .maybe we > could just load Magic Voice into here ! > > (Joel takes the disk and loads it into the still-functioning computer casing. > within moments, the casing comes to audio life !) All: Oooh! The magic of science!! > > MAGIC VOICE: Where am I? > > JOEL: You're on the remains of the Satellite. > > MAGIC VOICE: You don't look like the SOL crew! > > TOM: Well, it's like this. . .we fell into a spring and got cursed, quite sim- > ple really ! > > CROW: So now unless we get some hot water, we're stuck this way ! > > CAMBOT: Well, temporarily, anyway . . . . > > (the SOL crew exits the wreckage and stands outside of it, looking at it) > > JOEL: Well, this is the end of an era, you guys. Mike: The era of THE GREAT FLYING REPTILES!!!!! Tom: No more caffeine for you before bed, Mike. > > TOM: Well, look on the bright side . . . . at least we won't have to watch any > more bad movies ! > > CROW: Hey ! That's right ! ! GOOD RIDDANCE, SOL ! ! ! heh ! Crow: How insensitive! Mike: Crow, that's like the pot calling the kettle black. Crow: But I'm a *robot* and I'm *gold*. Mike: (sigh) > > MIKE: That ship was my home for almost 4 years. . . yours for any longer ! > > GYPSY: I miss the ship already ! ! > > TOM: So where do we go now, Mister Salty? Mike: Well, *we* exit the theater. (picks up Tom and exits) (doorway sequence) (Mike and Tom are on screen) Tom: So, Mike, you see, one had Charlton Heston ranting over it and the other doesn't. That, my good man, is the difference between Soylent Green and Spam. Mike: Ah, I could never tell, myself. (Crow comes in, red wig on his head) Crow: ("feminine" voice) Hi, guys! Mike: Gah! Crow! Tom: Crow, for Pete's sake, what's wrong with you?! Crow: (same freakish voice) Well, you see, I kinda fell into a cursed spring, like in the fanfic... I'm a girl. Mike: Oh. Okay. (to Tom) As you were saying, Servo? Tom: Yes. You see, the texture of Spam is squishy, yet *solid* at the same time! Crow: (clears throat loudly) Tom: What, Crow? Crow: (same voice) Well, I just thought maybe it hasn't sunk in yet that I'm a girl. 'Cuz, I am. Mike: Uh-huh, we noticed. (to Tom) So, you're saying Spam is the future food for starving people? Tom: Precisely! I believe, in the future, Spam and lime jello will be the only food. Maybe cheese, for special occasions. Crow: (girly) YOU GUYS!!! NOTICE ME!!! SLATHER ME WITH ATTENTION!! Mike: (oblivious) That's an interesting theory, Servo. Crow: (hurling wig off, normal voice) FINE! I'm *not* a girl! (storms off angrily) Tom: (after a pause) So... did Crow say something? Mike: Most likely, nothing important. (light flashes) We'll be right back. (commercials) (doorway sequence) (all sit in their respected seats) Mike: Go...! > > JOEL: West! Mike: Young man! heh heh Crow: You read ahead, meatball head. UNFAIR! > We have to get back to Minnesota, maybe the Institute can find > a way to get us out of this mess. > > CROW: Uh, Joel, we don't have a car. > > CAMBOT: You don't expect us to walk, do you? > > (Joel nods) Tom: Maybe they can run a little. Then they can say, (Forrest Gump-ian) "We ra-yan. Just 'cuz we fe-yalt li-yak it." > > CAMBOT: I was afraid of that. . . Crow: (as Cambot) That and clowns. > > (The SOL crew starts toward a small town off in the distance.) > > GYPSY: Maybe there's some hot water here ! > > TOM: Hey ! Get this ! My arms work ! ! > > (Tom flails hi-- her arms around) Mike: Now, thank you for correcting yourself, fanfic. That was very grown-up of you. > > CROW: And now I don't have to wear those brown pants anymo-- > > (Joel giver Crow one of those looks) Crow: Why thank you, Joel! It's a very nice look. I bet it was expensive... (whispering) Mike, where can I return it? > > CROW: heh heh. . .well. . . .because they, uh, don't fit me anymore ! That's it ! > > CAMBOT: And I finally have a voice ! > > TOM: Maybe this curse isn't so bad after all ! Mike: Crow, no. Crow: What? Why do you always pick on me when a perversive joke could be inserted? Mike: Because it usually *is* you who makes the perversive jokes. > > CROW: And even Gypsy wins out . . . .she didn't have any arms to begin with ! > > Gypsy: Yeah ! > > TOM: Joel? Mike? > > (Joel and Mike look at each other) Tom: (as Mike) Lookin' good, Joel. Mike: Cr- I mean, TOM! (whacks Tom on the back of the head) > > JOEL: Well, I think we should all accept ourselves the way we were created. > > TOM: Joel, you created me with immobile arms ! > > CROW: Hey, at least that's better than talking in beeps ! *heh heh* Crow: Now that was just a horrible ethnic slur against R2D2!! > > TOM: What was that? > > CROW: Oh, nothing. . . . > > CAMBOT: Can we all just go to the town, please?? Sheesh ! > > TOM: Cambot, what crawled into your circuits and died? Tom: Eew, that would be gross. Mike: Well, once when I was eight, there was this really bad smell coming from the chimney. My dad went to check it out and this raccoon fell down... Crow: Ugh... was your *entire* childhood screwed up? Mike: Well... most of it, yeah... > > (Cambot elbows Tom) > > TOM: OOF ! ! *koff koff* Damn you're *koff* touchy today ! ! *koff* > > CROW: Whatever happened to the sensitive bot who cried over those destroyed > cameras? Crow: (morbidly) That bot is a dead man. Miss him, miss him. > > MIKE: Don't tease Cambot, you guys . . . .obviously he-- > > TOM: . . .she. . . > > MIKE: Whatever. . .Cambot's rather hurt right now. . . > > TOM: Waitaminute . . . .how come there's always a small town nearby no matter > where we are? Think about it ! ! Tom: And a new conversation is born like a legendary Phoenix from the ashes of its failed predecessor. > > CROW: Yeah. . .that's right. . . . when we were with Torgo, there was a small > > > town nearby . . . Crow: Don't drag Torgo into this! (another silouette pops in) Torgo: You RAnG? All: Yaugh! Mike: Uh, no, Mr. Torgo, you can just go. Torgo: AlL RIghTy, THEn. (Torgo disappears) Tom: Pointless usage of time number 4... > > TOM: And just after that, we were in a small town on a movie set ! > > CROW: And now there's a small town near the Satellite again! ! > > JOEL: Maybe because without a small town, there'd be no adventure. Crow: How incredibly deep. Mike: Are you being sarcastic? Crow: You know, I just can't tell anymore. > > CAMBOT: Come on, you all ! Just because there's a small town doesn't > necessarily mean there's gonna be some kind of > adventure ! It's not as if adventure's just gonna hit us on the-- > > > (A metal cylinder hits Cambot on the head and she falls to the ground) All: (muted trumpets) Waaah-waaaah-waaaah!! > > > MIKE: I wonder what this is ! Tom: (sarcastic) Hmmmm, a METAL CYLINDER, MAYBE??????? Mike: Calm down, Servo, not much left. > > (Joel picks up the cylinder) > > JOEL: It looks like a scroll container of some sort ! Mike: If it's the Dead Sea Scrolls, I'm gonna just... I don't know what. > > TOM: Maybe it's something left by . . . .ancient. . . astronauts ! ! Crow: Geez, Servo, even that's a little far-fetched for you. Mike: FOR THE FINAL TIME, IT'S THE FANFIC US-ES NOT THE *REAL* US-ES!!!!!!! Tom: Now, *you* should calm down, Mike. Remember, stay frosty! > > JOEL: (shaking hi-- her head): It says "Made in China", but there is some- > thing in it ! Mike: Now, I'm no English professor, but aren't those two seperate ideas in the same sentence? > > (Joel opens up the container and pulls out a rolled sheet of paper) > > JOEL: It says here that whoever returns this scroll to its rightful owner > will get his or her fondest wish ! Crow: Who owns that scroll, the Eternal Dragon? > > TOM: So what else is on the scroll? > > JOEL: That's it. . . Mike: Well then go complain at the manufacturer's: Uselsess Scrolls Inc. > > CROW: So then what the owner need with the stupid scroll?? > > (Cambot comes to) > > CAMBOT: If I catch whoever it was that threw that thing at me I'll skin him > alive ! ! Tom: Not very many people knew that Cambot doubled as a taxidermist. > > MIKE: Calm down, Cambot. . .we found a scroll ! > > TOM: This could be our key to being cured, Joel ! > Mike: And what do you call this, boys? Bots: Plot convenience!! Mike: Very good! > CROW: Then we wouldn't have to go back to Gizmonics ! ! > > GYPSY: Yeah! > > TOM: Uh, Joel, is there an address on that scroll? > > JOEL: It only says "The Blue House" Crow: (as Joel) Oh, wait, it also says it has a blue window. Inside, outside everything is blue to him. Mike: (groans) > > CROW: Joel, I never knew you spoke Chinese ! > > JOEL: I don't. . . > > (Joel shows the scroll. . .it's written in both Chinese and English) Tom: (as church lady) Well, isn't that conveeeeeeeeeeeenient? > > CROW: Oh. . . > > MIKE: Not so hard . . .I mean how many blue houses can there be in one town? Mike: Famous last words. > > (You had to ask . . . .they're *all* blue !) All: And again... (muted trumpets) Waaaaaaah, waaaaaaah, waaaaaaah!! > > MIKE: Never mind . . . > > CAMBOT: Are we actually gonna have to knock on *every* door? > > TOM: I have an idea ! We yell "free scroll" until someone gets the thing ! > > JOEL: But then someone else could claim to get the scroll and the wishes ! > > TOM: Oh yeah. . . . Crow: And we have witnessed a joke die in the prime of its life. A moment of silence, please. (silence for a moment) Crow: Yeah, that's good. > > GYPSY: How about we hand it to that nice man over there? > > (Gypsy points to a sad-looking man in front of a red house) > > CROW: Uh, Gyps, that's a *red* house. > > GYPSY: Oh. . . > > TOM: The scroll plainly says "Blue House" > > CAMBOT: So which blue house do we start with? Tom: How about the Smurfs'? > > TOM: I know ! ! Eeny, meeny, mynie, moe . . . . . > > (Cambot elbows Tom again) > > TOM: OOF ! Cambot ! ! > > JOEL: I never thought I'd be saying this, but I think you need a time out, > Cambot. . . . > > (Joel drags Cambot away from the group) Tom: (as JOEL) You have two choices: dragging away, kicking and screaming... or quietly. Crow: (as CAMBOT) Ooh, kicking and screaming, please. > > JOEL: You go on. . .We'll join you later. > > (Mike, Tom, Gypsy, and Crow knock on the first door. An elderly woman ans- > wers) > > WOMAN: Yes. > > MIKE: Hi. . .we fould this scroll and was wondering if it was yours. Mike: So... this lady sees four identical girls outside her house and they all seem to be speaking in male voices with the exception of Gypsy? Tom: Looks that way. Mike: Dr. F and Frank are *so* going to be blackmailed for the song incident. > > WOMAN: Sorry, no. > > MIKE: Oh. . .ok. . .sorry to bother you. . . > > (She waves bye and closes her door) > > TOM: Nice going, Mike ! > > MIKE: Hey, that was only the first house . . .we have more to go. . . > > GYPSY: Let's try the sad man! Crow: (English accent) Stubborn little bugger, isn't she? > > TOM: Gypsy ! ! We already said that-- > > MIKE: Now, now . . .let's hear her out . . Crow: (as Mike) Now, Gyps, why do you want to see the sad man? Tom: (as Gypsy) Well, for starters, he looks kind of like Richard Basehart. In...a...way... I guess. > > (They go to the red house as Joel and Cambot rejoin the group. Mike addres- > ses the sad man) Mike: (as Mike) You will now live at 1342 Oak Drive, sad man. > > MIKE: Excuse me, but is this your scroll? > > MAN: OH YES ! You found it ! Oh, thank you. . .I hope the instructions were > not too confusing. Mike: Oh, 'course not! (grumbling) Only about as confusing as teaching a baboon to work a Rubik's cube... > > TOM: I don't get it ! It said to go to the blue house ! > > JOEL: I get it now ! Blue didn't refer to the blue house ! > > CROW: Oh give me a break ! Crow: Break me off a peice of that Kit-Kat bar! > > CAMBOT: Me too ! Tom: (as Cambot) No! Break *ME* off a peice of that Kit-Kat bar! > > MAN: Now, as the scroll says, you shall each receive your fondest wish ! But > be quick as I have to leave in about 2 minutes ! Mike: Now that's just bad luck, there. > > (Joel, Tom, Crow, Mik, and Gypsy all talk at once, voicing their fondest > wishes) Tom: (as one of them) I wanna pony! Mike: (as another) I wanna bajillion dollars! Crow: (as another... guess who?) I want Richard Basehart! > > MAN: Now, now, can't you all just talk one at a time? It would make it much > easier ! > > CAMBOT: I know, you guys . . . .you know, I wish you all could just shut up for > 5 minutes, then we'd be able to get things done. > > (they shut up) Crow: (as Cambot) They listened to me! Now I can... RULE THE WORLD!!! MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!! I'M A NAUGHTY BOY! NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY!!! Mike: That Dr. F impression was *scary*, Crow. > > CAMBOT: Now . . .one at a time . . . . > > (silence) Mike: ...is golden. > > CAMBOT: The man is waiting ! > > MAN: You wish them to keep quiet for 5 minutes . . .you got your wish, but now, > unfortunately, they cannot have theirs, as I must leave ! > > (SOL crew save Cambot start stomping on the ground and glaring at Cambot) Tom: (as whiny child) I don't wanna leave the toy store! Waaaaah! > > CAMBOT: Oops . . .heh. . . .uh . . . .sorry, guys ! > > (They run after Cambot with 'kill' looks on their faces. Cambot runs away) > > CAMBOT: I'm sorry ! ! I'm sorry ! ! Hey, at least we're making fast progress > toward Minnesota ! ! > > (They all run toward the sunset, and you can hear Cambot saying "I'm sorry" > all the way there . . . ) Crow: I'm going to try a psychic vision here. (ahem) THE END! > > > T H E E N D > Mike and Tom: Wow, Crow, that was good! Crow: Thank you! Thank you! > > So a new direction is taken for MST Adventures ! How long will it take for > them to get to Minnesota? Where will they find their hot water? What adven- > tures will follow on their trek halfway around the world? Find out on Season > 3 of MSTA, "MST 1/2" > > PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS > >#302 - MST 1/2 Part 2 > The SOL crew gets to Tibet, where someone steals Magic Voice ! ! What > does the thief want with her, and why is he falling in > love with Tom Servo? > (Much uncomfortable throat clearing) Crow: For the sake of all that is good, decent, holy, and sacred, I will not touch that. Tom: Thank you. > > #303 - MST 1/2 Part 3 > The SOL crew enters Russia, where someone finds out > about their curses and wants to keep them in Russia indefinitely to > study their 'abnormal' behavior ! > > > > ************************************************************* > * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * > * * > * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * > * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * > * living or dead, is purely coincidental * > * * > * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * > * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions * > * * > * 'Jusenkyo' and 'Nyannichuan' Copyright 1987 Rumiko Takashi * > * * > * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1996 * > * * > * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "MST 1/2 Part 1" - C 1996 * > *************************************************************** Mike: And now my favorite sound. (the theater door clicks open) Mike: Like music to my ears. (all exit) (doorway sequence) (all are on screen) Mike: Okay, what did we learn, Servo? Tom: I learned to beware all forms of water. They could have curses on them enough to turn you into a cocker spaniel. Mike: Okay, Crow? Crow: I learned that almost anything can be crossed over with Ranma 1/2. Even us. Mike: Good. I learned that Dr. Forrester and Frank will pay dearly for subjecting us to this. Sirs? (Deep 13) (both are onscreen. Frank has two suitcases packed, Dr. F looks very sad, to say the least) Dr. F: Well, they're late. Frank, do you know what's happening, Frank? Frank: (depressed) No, Steve. (SoL) All: (suppressed giggles) (Deep 13) Dr. F: (wiggling his mustache angrily) Nelson, is there something you'd like to share with the class? (SoL) Mike: Well, sirs... All: APRIL FOOLS!!! (all laugh) Mike: (laughing) The letter is in my handwritting! It's a prank! Funny, huh? (Deep 13) (Frank is smiling, Dr. F is deep, crimson red. Steam begins to come out of his ears) Dr. F: (angry gibbering) Frank: He said, "You just earned yourself a 24-hour Ishtar showing!! (SoL) (Mike is almost slate white) Mike: No, please... Crow: Oh, dear God, no... Tom: TAKE THEM, NOT ME!!! SPARE ME!!!! (Deep 13) Dr. F: (looking wicked) Frank, push the button. (go to credits with Mike and the bots screaming, "MOMMY!!!") stinger: > CROW: I don't know whether this is hell. . .or heaven! THE END!