Well, I finally broke down and did it! Please flame gently. e-mail me with comments Your auteur, Suzanne Schroeder ____________________________ (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) Mike: Hi! Welcome to the SOL. Dr. F decided to skip all the usual stuff to save time, so he should be calling...(light flashes)...aha! (Deep 13) Dr F. Well, as you know, Frank is gone, so I'm kind of running things myself this week. But don't think that I haven't forgotten about you, Charles Rocket. So, first the invention exchange. Go ahead, Micheal Damien. (SOL) Mike: Well, sirs, uh, sir. This is a new use for a roman helmet. As we see it, you have a wasted brush on top of your head. Crow: So, we've taken modern infomercial technology and combined the helmet with a suds dispenser to clean up floors. Tom: That's what we call using our heads. Crow: D'oh! (Deep 13) Dr F.: This one is for trailer houses that are always getting picked up by tornados. It is a large parachute strong enough to hold the largest of trailer homes. The only problem I've had in testing it is convincing people to stay in the house to pull the rip cord. Well, anyway, Behrtold Brecht, I've decided to give you a break on this one. (On SOL) Mike: You're kidding! I refuse to believe it. (Deep 13) Dr. F: Believe it, or not, I'm sending up some help on this one since the subject matter absolutely begs for it. His rocket ship is pulling up to the SOL as we speak. I tell you what. I will delay sending the fanfic, which to those of you who have a short memory and forgot the title, is entitled :MST Adventure #204, Do They Know it's Christmas. I'm pleased to say that the acting lessons from Sally Struthers have worked out nicely for Frank and me. (On SOL) (The rocket docks. Out steps a tall thin man) Mike: Uh, hi.. I'm Mike Nelson. These are the 'bots Crow, Tom, and Gypsy. And you are... Daniel Pritchett: I am Daniel Pritchett, Holy Savior of the church of the Boston Waters. I am your Lord, I am your Savior, I am your finder of good bargains. You may, indeed, call me Daniel, or O Lord. Crow: Jeez! The mads sent us a holy roller! Tom: Hey, haven't I seen you selling Flowers along the Interstate? Mike: Shush! How do you know about that anyway? Nevermind...(To Daniel) Pay no attention to him. So, Daniel, how did you get to be Jesus Christ? Daniel: It was a very long and tedious process. First, I realized my destiny as a child as I discovered that I was gifted at leading groups of rocks. Tom: Rocks? Daniel: Do not let that deceive you, my friend. Great leaders have arisen from small causes. I then ruled, with my gentle guidedness, my ant farm, and let me tell you, my children, that they flourished under my rule. Not one of them voiced any discontent. Crow: So, ants, then people? Daniel: O yes, my child. My college days were the most hectic. There was so much work to be done before our last days. Three different churches of my father's kingdom and the Anime club. Try doing that with a hang-over. Mike: So, how did you come to see this fanfic? Daniel: It was my calling. My father said that this needed devine intervention.... Mike: What's God like? Daniel: He is a force that even I can't comprehend, but he told me to wait for the messenger to give me my next instructions in the back alley way of a city which was named Minneapolis and that I would know who he was. Next, I saw THE ONE. He gave me the option of a fanfic or the device which I automatically assumed was a cross. My time to go is not now. My destination hasn't been fulfilled... Crow: Oh, believe me you will fulfill your destiny many times.... Daniel: But I do believe it is my duty to make fun of this fanfic. People think that because I am the savior Jesus Christ, I have no sense of humor. I like the song "I'm bigger than Jesus now" just for the irony. Tom: Oh, well I can see that... Daniel: I've noticed, my child, that you have no eyes. I can give you your sight..... Tom: Heh heh, That's OK..I can see just fine without... (Lights Flash) Daniel: THE END HAS COME!!!! IT IS MY TIME!!!! Tom: Sheesh, it's just fanfic sign...... Daniel: Guide me, O Child with dangly arms... (6..5..4..3..2..1) >From dayscott@tiac.netTue Mar 14 20:56:37 1995 >Date: Tue, 14 Mar 1995 14:18:04 -0500 Crow: Looks like a contridiction in times. This shoots holes in your alibi, Mr. Simpson.... >From: >To: "J.D. Falk" >Subject: MSTA #204 >Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 204 Reel 1 >"Do They Know It's Christmas" Mike: Maybe that's why nobody showed up for my party. Maybe they thought tomorrow was Christmas... >In the not too distant future, September of '96 >Dr. Forrester had just received his latest load of flicks Tom: The whole Steven King collection was made available on video. >Too late to bring back Mike and Joel >So the future is where he had to go Crow: as Piccard would put it, we can only look to the future. >A return trip home was set in place >But short-circuiting the time >machine warped them out of space!! Mike: ...and home. Crow: I hate it when time machines do that. >The Satellite's now jumping, from year to year to year >Mike Nelson remains missing, giving everyone cause to >fear Tom: I told you to watch after the baby! Crow: I thought you were! Tom: Look at this. Another vacation ruined and its all your fault! Crow: You were the one who decided not to put him on his baby leash... Tom: Oh, why fight? Let's just enjoy the rest of the day and look for him later. >Now keep in mind they can't control where the time-jumps begin or end Mike: They've had big problems with continuity editing. Tom: No, I think they just brought Godard in for this one... >Pray for Dr. F and Frank and Joel, and also their robot >friends.... >ROBOT ROLL CALL >Cambot (saves the day) >Gypsy (whatta pilot) >Tom Servo (gotcha voice back) >Croooow! (still the wisecracker) Crow: I hate being stereotyped in one role. I'm going to see my agent this afternoon. >"Is this jump the jump back home," they wonder every day Tom: Gee...Oh where, Oh where did they borrow this premise from....I don't know.....could it be SATAN?!?!?! Mike: No, worse, Quantum Leap. Daniel: So this is what misting is? Making jokes at the fanfic? Mike: That's about it.... Daniel: Well, OK..... >So repeat to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go >where it may Daniel: Because only I have control of your actions... >On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!! >(1..2..3..4..5..6..G) Crow: Hey didn't we do this already? Daniel: Time moves in one direction unless I say it does. Mike: Daniel, I don't think you understand the concept... Daniel: I'm warming up! I'm nearly 2,000 years old! I can't do this like I could when I was a kid. Crow: Oh, so we have the 2,000 year old man in our midst. Tom: So where do socks come from? Mike: Don't get him started! >(The SOL is all decked out for Christmas, and Frank's by Crow: And Frank is just plain decked out. >the tree placing a present underneath it) Daniel: Aha...the curl on his head makes a perfect little six.... >FRANK: Oooo....Dr. Forrester will be so excited!! This Head >De-shrinker will be the highlight of his year! Tom: Yeah..this is what you get for the guy that happens to have a few spare body parts lying around.... >(Dr. F arrives on the bridge, just out of the shower) >FORRESTER: Oh hello Frank, I see you got my Christmas present >there...what is it? Crow: (as Dr. F) Geez, I hope it's not another book of Mc Donald's gift certificates. >FRANK: It's a big surprise! You'll just love this Head De->shrinker! Tom: (as Dr. F) I thought I told you never to bring up my problem!!!! >(Dr. F, not wanting to let Frank realize what happened, plays along) >FORRESTER: Well, I'm sure it will be something >deplorable! >FRANK: Oh thank you! Daniel: Hmm... I can use someone like him.... >(Joel enters, with Crow and Tom not far behind) >JOEL: So you see, guys, that's why it's not cool to be too >greedy around this time of the year! Mike: That's what the rest of the year is reserved for. >CROW: I don't care, I still want my bike! Tom: Hell, there's gotta be a toys R us along the way to our next destination. >TOM: And I want some gumballs! >JOEL: And it's also very hard to find anything out here in >the nonending nexus of time and space. Mike: But you don't have to order by catalog! >FRANK: Hey Joel, you should see the cool Head De->shrinker I got for Steve! >TOM: Uh, Frank, do you realize you just gave away the surprise? >(Frank thinks.....a big effort on his part!) >FRANK: Waaaaaah!!!! Crow: I wah wah wah wah wonder.... >(The SOL comes to a landing) >GYPSY: We're stopped, guys! Daniel: We're stopped guys? Never heard of that group before. Mike: Don't look at me. I only riff them. >CROW: Let's take a look outside on the hexview! >(The hexview shows the view of a vast wasteland desert) Crow: Rush Limbaugh's show? Tom: Or just Rush Limbaugh. >TOM: Look at these readings! According to these, we've landed >somewhere near Israel! Mike: Confirmed...The number of bad drivers have increased substantially. >MAGIC VOICE: Israel.....December of 4 B.C. Daniel: Thank you...If you will just let me out here, I will go and complete my destiny....Keep the change. >JOEL: Of course, guys, we may actually get to witness the >birth of one of the most influential figures in all of history! Mike: James Polk? >GYPSY: Richard Basehart? >TOM: No, Jesus, you know, the Son of God, the Christ, the big guy! Daniel: Oh, well I do my best, but quit kissing up. I can't stand the constant butt kissing, but it comes with the job, I suppose. >FRANK: Yeah, and he died around Easter! Weird, huh? I >bet the Easter Bunny was looking and looking for him and >he was nowhere to be found! Mike: "It's a dead man's party/ who could ask for more..." >(Forrester SMAKS Frank) >FRANK: Owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie!!!!! Tom: A run-on Owie. Crow: Like The Mod Squad. >GYPSY: Maybe we can go out and search for the baby while we're here! Mike: Yeah! and pick up a couple of slurpees! One stop shopping is great! >JOEL: And since it's Christmas, we have to bring gifts to >him! >CROW: But what do you give to the leader of a religion? Daniel: I prefer scented soaps. I have no need for Holy water because I can bless it myself. >FRANK: I have this copy of Amy Grant's "The Collection" Tom: Great!!! That will go perfectly with the sound system he's getting from the Leibermans. >FORRESTER: I have these Canadian golden dollars. Mike: There's no need...just get him some traveller's cheques. >TOM: Hey look! Incense! >(Everyone looks at Tom) Crow: Well, everyone, don't get so incensed! Daniel: YOU WILL BURN FOR THAT REMARK. Mike: Yeah, and I might do something also. >TOM: IT CAN HAPPEN!!!!!!! Mike: TO YOU starring Bridget Fonda. >FRANK: Swith your incense with my Amy Grant! Crow: And you can _switch_ them if you want to. >TOM: You're on! Tom: (Homer Simpson voice) Frank goes on...Frank goes off...Frank goes on... >(Frank and Tom switch gifts) >JOEL: You bots stay here for now..I'll take the records >over. >TOM: You mean we're gonna miss it? Mike: Guys, there is not much involved in going to a used record store! >JOEL: No...Cambot, come with us...the rest of you bots can watch it >on hexview. You'd look way too suspicious here! Daniel: No one will see a floating camera...trust me. >CROW: And we didn't look suspicious everywhere else we >went? >TOM: He's got'cha there, Joel! >FORRESTER: You never were too bright, Boobie! Tom: (as Joel) What do you expect? I was a janitor for Christ's sake. >FRANK: Oooo...this is gonna be so exciting! >(Joel sees a very bright star to the east) >JOEL: I guess we go that-a-way! (points to the star) Crow: Onward, pilgrim. Tom: (to Daniel) But, you're going to die someday... Daniel: (John Wayne voice) That'll be the day Mike: Tom, I don't think you should encourage him. >(Joel, Dr. F, and Frank head off in the direction of the star, but in >the meanwhile, off in the distance, a shadowy device appears out of >nowhere! A shadowy figure Tom: From A Shadowy Planet? >steps out of a shadowy door in the shadowy device. A shadowy--) >SHADOW: Get on with it already!!!! Tom: I know what evil lurks in the hearts of men... >(OK....he steps out Tom: Dressed in some a revealling little number. >and speaks) Crow: Arf. >SHADOW: This is it! Now to put my plan into action in order to stop >the Christmas holiday from ever happening!! Tom: (as shadow) I hate ordering those damn cheese assortments. >Hahahahaha!!!! They laughed at me! They said I, Carl Handy, >couldn't do it! But I'll show them! I'll show them all!! >Hahahahahaha!!! Tom: Run on laughter. Neat. >Carl walks off in the direction of the star. Aboard the SOL....) >CROW: This sucks! We don't get to see the birth of >Christ! Mike: Bummer, dude. I heard that PJ Harvey was supposed to be opening for him. >TOM: You're telling me! I wanted to be able to tell all my >friends that I actually witnessed Jesus' birth! Crow: Damn. I guess I'll just have to lie to them like usual. >CROW: What friends....besides us? >TOM: Oh yeah... Daniel: You, my child will have to suffer no more. Join our community. There are many others who were like you.... Mike: O Lord, I hate to tell you this, but he can't hear you. >(Gypsy sees someone sneaking around outside the SOL) >GYPSY: Who's that? Mike: Are those damn neighbor kids sending pizzas to our house again? >(Tom and Crow look) >CROW: Someone's sneaking around! >TOM: Let's say Hi! All: Hi!! >(Gypsy, Crow, and Tom exit the SOL to meet Carl) Tom: (as Carl) Excuse me, but you wouldn't happen to know where the Christ residence is? >CARL: Wh-Who are you? >CROW: We're the bots! Tom: And the bot sister! >TOM: Who are you? >CARL: I'm Carl Handy, mad scientist! I'm gonna stop >Christmas! Hahaha! Mike: Wow! Are you related to Jack Handey? I have to say that your temperment is nothing like your brother's. >GYPSY: Oh.....Ok..... >(Carl walks off....after about 30 seconds.....) >GYPSY: STOP CHRISTMAS?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!! Mike: Sheesh. Tough crowd. They don't understand what I'm trying to say half the time. >We gotta stop him!!! >CROW: Why? >GYPSY: So kids everywhere can get presents!! Tom: and parents can spend themselves into the poor house. >TOM: Come on Crow.....do it for the kids! >CROW: Uh........uh........ Daniel: Look, I can prevent Santa Claus from ever existing.... >GYPSY, TOM: CROW!! CROW!! CROW!! All: Rah! Rah! Rah! >CROW: Okay! >(Tom and Gypsy cheer) >TOM: Let's go kick some Carl butt! Crow: No No NO! It's Carl Budding. Tom: The Sandwich meat? >CROW: If we can find him! Mike: It's going to be so tough since he left FOOTPRINTS in the sand. >(Tom, Crow, and Gypsy look around...no sign of Carl) Mike: He must have fallen in one of his meat grinders. >GYPSY: Let's go!! 1..2..3..4..1..2..3..4..1..2..3..4...... Mike: Someone really ought to teach them some more numbers. Daniel: The educashun sistim uf tudaie reelee sux. >(Tom, Gypsy, and Crow march off to find Carl. Meanwhile, somewhere >in the desert....) >FRANK: I'm tired, Steve, can we rest? >FORRESTER: Frank, you have to be the wussiest person I have ever >seen! The true meaning of Christmas depends on you! Crow: Well, good night folks. >JOEL: That's touching, sir! >FORRESTER: Touching, my ass! Tom: I don't see anything touching your ass. > I just want this over with so we can get back to the SOL ASAP. >FRANK: What's a SOLASAP? >(Forrester SMAKS Frank) Mike: I don't get it. Is SMAKS supposed to be an acronym? Crow: So Much Alkeseltzer Knows Stomachs? Tom: Short Musty Acrobats Killed Seinfeld? >FRANK: Owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie!!!!!!! >(They see three figures off in the distance) >JOEL: Look, guys, those must be the three wise men! Mike: Spielberg, Katzenberger, and...oh damn, I always forget the other one. >FRANK: Maybe they can help us with our time machine, >being that they're so wise and all! >FORRESTER: Frank, y--.......never mind! >JOEL: We should stop and join them! >FORRESTER: Are you sure? There's no mention of the "Six Wise Men"! Crow: There were six of them, but they had creative differences. >JOEL: Well, we could break away from them just before we get there! >FORRESTER: Of course... >(Suddenly, shots ring out! Carl can be seen off in the >distance, trying to shoot down the 3 wise men!) Tom: Run before Oliver Stone makes a movie about it! >JOEL: R U N !!!!!! >(Joel, Dr. F, and Frank run off in the star's direction. >Looking back, they see the three wise men go down from >the shots!) >FRANK: I dodn't know guns were invented back here? Mike: Haven't you seen the lost painting of the last supper with the disciples packing heat? Daniel: I equip every one of my followers with an uzi. Tom: Uh, that's nice. (whispers to Mike) We've got to get rid of him! >JOEL: They're not! It seems we have some evil time traveller or >something! Mike: Maybe it's just the bots playing with their saturday night specials again. >FORRESTER: So what does this mean? the "Three Wise Men" are dead! Daniel: You basically solved your own riddle, my son. >JOEL: No they're not! >FRANK: Huh? Crow: My latest issue of "World News" says thy're living in California. >JOEL: Simple....the fate of Christmas is now in our hands! Crow: Yes, let's follow the guy who willingly worked for the Mads in the first place.... >FORRESTER: You don't mean.... >JOEL: Yes....WE are now the "Three Wise Men"!! Mike: This is just like my parents going out and buying me another goldfish after the first one died. >(Back to the bots, searching for Carl) >TOM: We've GOT to find him!! If we don't, Christmas is doomed! Tom: That's a gaming concept I've never heard of: Father christmas vs. Doom. >CROW: I'm too young to not get presents on the 25th! >GYPSY: And I was expecting an autographed picture of >Richard Basehart! >CROW: Again? >TOM: Will you two stop it! We have a saboteur to find! Crow: Oooh. Fancy French word... Tom: Knock it off, Beevis. >(They come upon the bodies of the actual "wise men") Daniel: You know, I'm beginning to notice how sick this is becoming. Crow: Wow...If *you* noticed it.... Daniel: You know...I'm not really cut out for this. I think I will wait for you on the bridge. Mike: By all mean, don't let us stop you. Crow: I second that! >GYPSY: Oh no!!! >TOM: Its...TOO scary! Tom: Lyle and Julia's honeymoon pictures! >CROW: Are we too late? >TOM: I'm afriad so, Crow! >CROW: But I still remember Christmas! Mike: Please! No song requests at this time! >TOM: It's only a matter of time....this is only the first step! Mike: And we still have eleven more! >It means Carl's on his way....and this is his gory path! >(Meanwhile, the star in the east is getting brighter and brighter. >Joel, Dr. F, and Frank are riding camels) Tom: I think the author should check the wording of that last sentence. Crow: Henry! The boys are in the barn again! >FRANK (riding): Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!...... >FORRESTER: Frank, if you knew you were going to be on a camel, you >should have brought a pillow! Mike: ... and some cab fare for the morning after. >FRANK: That's just it! I didn't know! Crow: How does someone anticipate coming across an attractive camel? >FORRESTER: What about the old Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared"? Mike: I think this is supposed to be a metaphor for something.... >FRANK: I never made it past Cub Scouts. Crow: That explains alot. >FORRESTER: This is getting us nowhere! Where does it >say in the Bible about dollars, records, and incense? Tom: The version you read today has had all the ads taken out of it. >(But Carl is not too far behind, and a shot rings out which >hits Joel's camel. Mike: And I spent so much for that cigarette! Crow: Just how cool are you now, Joe? >It goes down and Joel breaks the records into pieces!!) >JOEL: There goes my present! Tom: No, I think Carl just gave Jesus a present. >(Joel picks up part of the record label with the record >company logo on it) >JOEL: Hey! Get this!! The label on this record is Myrrh >records! Weird, isn't it? Tom: This is so like Joel...I mean, being more concerned about a record label than flying bullets. >(Joel puts the record fragment into his pocket for safe keeping) >FRANK: What is myrrh, anyway? >JOEL: Well, it's.........uh.......sir? >FORRESTER: Easy, it's......some thing that......well, >it's....... Crow: It's the Sampo of its time... >FRANK: OK! SO DON"T TELL ME!! SEE IF I CARE!! >(Forrester rolls his eyes....meanwhile, back to the bots.....) >CROW: Servo, we've been following these hoofprints for >miles! Can't we stop? >TOM: NO!! We MUST trudge on! Come on! Work it, pink boy!! Mike: Lose that flab! and one..and two... >GYPSY: We'll never make it on time! >TOM: We MUST!! Santa Claus!! Crow: Mario Cuomo? Where? >Chestnuts!! Jack Frost!! Snow!! Cold!! Mike: Holliday depression!! Outspending your budget!! Getting 30 fruit cakes!! Boyz II Men christmas albums!! >CROW: And we're trying to SAVE this holiday? >TOM: You know what I mean! >(The bots come upon the reamains of the record) >TOM: AAAAAHHH!!! My poor record!! >CROW: Calm down, Tom, it's just a record album! Tom: You're right, my record player quit working five years ago. Oh well, I could have played skee shoot with it. >TOM: Amy....you will be missed.... >(Tom starts to hum "Taps", and is then stopped by Crow) Mike: Why does the "Christmasd Story" Come to mind? >CROW: Let's go, Tom...there's no intelligent life in there! >heh heh! >TOM: You take that back! Crow: This is no time to go quoting crappy t-shirts. >CROW: Make me! >GYPSY: That's it! Now I know we'll never make it!! >(Tom and Crow start to fight, but Gypsy takes the initiative) Tom: Come on, man, are you a wuss? I'm gonna get you man... >GYPSY: STOP IT!!!!! >(Tom and Crow freeze in their tracks) GYPSY: If you don't stop, then we REALLY won't make it!! >TOM: Gypsy's right, Crow....we must move on! Carl's >gonna stop Christmas and we're the only ones who can stop him! >GYPSY: Hop on me, guys! >CROW: Why? >GYPSY: I was made for the sand! >TOM: Of course!! She can slink like a worm across this! Crow: "ride the snake..." >(Tom and Crow hop uo on Gypsy and they speed off >toward the star) >GYPSY: Look! >(After a while, they see Carl gunning at what looks like the >"Three Wise Men". Crow jumps him!) >CROW: Gotcha!! >CARL: What the hell--!? >CROW: Now, Tom!! >(Tom hovers up and covers Carl's head with his hoverskirt) Tom: Hey!!! I don't want ANYONE looking up my hover skirt!!! >CARL: HEY!!! Mike: (as Carl) I only paid for the cheap show! >(Joel and company can be seen off in the distance, on the >outskirts of Jerusalem) >GYPSY: That's not the wise men, that's Joel and the Mads!! Crow: Damn, you've got good eyes...I mean, eye..... >CROW (closer look): Oh yeah.....hey, Tom! It's Joel!! >TOM: No time...we have to subdue Carl!! Mike: Quick! Sign him up for the history of radio and television class! >CARL: No!! I have to do this!! They laughed at me!!! Tom: You know, most stand up comics are happy when they get a laugh. >CROW: Hold him, Tom!! Crow: Him, and what arms? >GYPSY: I hope Joel makes it! >(Meanwhile...Joel and the Mads enter Jerusalem) Daniel: (reading a sign) Welcome to Jerusalem, stay for our passover festival...free prizes for the children... >FRANK: Now all we have to do is find a hotel with a manger. Mike: Well, I've seen many that are kept like a barn... >JOEL: Frank, back in this time, every hotel had a manger. >FORRESTER: Where's that damn star!! >FRANK: Over this place! Tom: Oh! So, it's a one star hotel. >(Frank points to a small secluded inn in the distance) >JOEL: I guess it's time to do our duty. Crow: Yeah, since we we've just been married and all... >FORRESTER: Joel, that's disgusting! Tom: I concur, Crow. >JOEL: Not that, sir, we have to deliver these gifts! Crow: SOL overnight delivery service. We'll get it to ya in a millenia or your money back. >FRANK: Just think, we'll get to see baby Jesus! It's so ooky! Mike: His birth? >It's so warming inside! Daniel: It's a bowl of Quaker oatmeal. >It's so **FRANK NOISE**. >(They come upon the door of the inn. They enter the inn >and walk up to the front desk) >FORRESTER: Ask him, Boobie! >JOEL: Excuse me, but do you know the way to the stable? Mike: (as clerk) They're ROOMS. >CLERK: Yes...go down to the right and hang a left and the >stable's right there! Crow: hey, just follow the smell.. >JOEL: Thanks! >FRANK: Hey! I thought English wasn't invented yet! Tom: I saw the patent and it says somewhere around 1100 AD. >JOEL: I know, but the translators I got last year can also >translate Hebrew too! Mike: It's just so handy! Not only does it translate an ancient language, but it translates the instructions on my income tax form! >FRANK: Oh.... >FORRESTER: Frank, if you had half a brain you still >wouldn't even have half a brain!! Tom: Hey, Joel, can your translater translate that? >JOEL: Now don't fight, you two, we have to deliver these gifts!! >(Meanwhile, Carl has been tied up by Gypsy and Crow and >Tom are beating him. Crow: Wait! We're not in Singapore! Tom: (as Carl) Oh yes! I'm a bad scientist! Mike: Stop it. >CARL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! >TOM: C'mon Crow! Get him! >CROW: That does it! We've knocked him out! Mike: Yeah! He was only tied up to begin with! He could have still hurt us. >(Tom looks to see Crow is right. Suddenly, 6 figures >appear out of nowhere) >TOM: What's that? Mike: Oh, dear God! It's Menudo! >MAN 1: Hello, my name is Summer, and we're the Time Warriors! Tom: (as man) With this special cream, we can take years off your appearance! >This man is wanted for crimes against time...specifically, the >attempted murder of Christmas! >CROW: He's all yours! Crow: Wow! Just like the mod Squad! >(Gypsy unties Carl. he slumps to the ground as the Time >Warriors take him away. Before leaving, though, Summer >speaks again) >SUMMER: Thanks, bots! You saved us a lot of trouble! >Commander, bodyslide by six! Tom: Bodyslide by six??? Does this mean that they get a body slide by six o'clock? >(The Time Warriors fade out of sight) >CROW: Hey! I just remembered something! Since we're >so close to Jerusalem, why not go all the way? Let's see >the birth of Jesus! Tom: Yes!!! Free show for everyone!!! They'll have the refreshments, but it's BYOB... Mike: Yeah, this is the Woodstock of it's time. Tom: Oh, yes, with all the loose farm animals everywhere, they will definitely recapture the smell... Crow: I still have my t-shirt man. >GYPSY: Yay!! >TOM: Then onward, bots! We have not far to go! Mike: Ask not what Jesus can do for you, ask what you can do for Jesus... >(Back at the inn, at the inn's stable) >FRANK: Look! Over there!! >(Joel and Dr. F look in Frank's direction, and see a glow >over asmall manger with a small child inside...the child is >the baby Jesus. The baby's mother, Mary, motions for >Joel, Dr. F, and Frank to enter) Crow: (as Mary) Presents!! Oops. I mean, please enter. >FORRESTER (whispering): Joel, do we have to kneel? >JOEL: Yes, that's the way it's recorded in the books! Tom: And we go by the book in this operation, ya see? >(They kneel in front of the manger and present their gifts) >JOEL: Well, this was a complete record, but now all I have >is the label >(Joel persents the label which says "Myrrh" to the baby) Tom: Guys? Would Joel really be this cheap? Crow: He should have given him my sensible pants. It must be drafty wearing that toga all day. >FORRESTER: Here are some coins I picked up from >Canada. Crow: (as Joseph) Ah, yes, we go skiing there every year. >(Dr. F presents his golden dollars to Jesus, followed by >Frank's gift) >FORRESTER: And that's Frank's incense. Tom: Now, giving some of Frank's odor beats the whole Myrrh deal. >(Mary's husband, Joseph, adresses the crew) >JOSEPH: Thank you for your gifts of gold, frankincense, >and.....myrrh. >FRANK: You know, we never did find out what myrrh is! Mike: Maybe it's Myrrh Griffith! Tom: *ahem* Stop. >(The bots arrive at the manger) >TOM: Did we miss it? Are we too late? >JOEL: Well, we didn't see the actual birth, but we still got >to see Jesus! Mike: Bummer man... I always show up to partys after all the good action has taken place. >(A light on Tom's chest indicates the time machine has >started up again) >TOM: WHOA!! We better get out of here! Crow: Run, Scooby! >JOEL: Call Magic Voice! >(Tom calls for Magic Voice, who teleports the SOL crew back to the >SOL, after they go to some secluded area, of course. Back on the >SOL....) >MAGIC VOICE: Rolling back time... >TOM: Rolling back? What do you mean? Mike: We're rolling back the time at Freightsale furniture! Come on down and meet Lois and Bess Price to give you the price you want on this lovely day bed set! >JOEL: It's the time machine...it's really out of whack! Look! >(The time machine is beeping out of control. Back to 5 days before) Tom: Oh, shoot! We're going to have to relive the whole thing again! >CROW: What's going on? >FORRESTER: Since the time machine rolled back time, >then everything we went through never happened! >TOM: What about Carl Mike: Wrong! It's What about Bob! >JOEL: Who? >TOM: The guy trying to kill you. >FORRESTER: Nope! >JOEL: At least we got to see Jesus, even though it will >never be recorded in history that way! Mike: At least history won't have to remember that you gave the son of God a piece of a record label. >CROW: Uh, Joel, now that I think of it, that bike's not too >important. Besides, where am I gonna ride it anyway? >TOM: Yeah, Joel, and you don't have to give me any >gumballs either. Tom: I can't use them anyway since I don't have any spit. >GYPSY: And the Richard Basehart picture can wait another >year. >TOM: What we're trying to say Joel is....well....I have this >weird feeling inside...I think I finally realize the true spirit >of Christmas! Since we almost lost it back there! Mike: I can almost hear "Full House's" heart warming music playing. >JOEL: Really, guys? >(Tom and Crow look at each other, then turn back to Joel) >TOM, CROW: NAAAAAH!!!!! Mike: Jeez, what were you thinking, Joel? Don't you know that it's capitalism that keeps the Chritmas spirit alive? >TOM: Oh, we really had you going there, Joel! >CROW: Yeah....hey Tom, let's go spike the eggnog! >TOM: I'm with you! Crow: Yeah, let's do some crimes, man. >(Tom and Crow leave. Joel looks at the Mads) Crow: (as Joel) Oh man, did we get hold of some bad weed, or did we see Jesus Christ last night? >JOEL: My robots....I think I'll keep them.....turned off... >FORRESTER: That's very nice, pink boy, but the time >machine's on! >FRANK: Here we go again.... >(View from outside....the SOL winks out of sight) >T H E E N D Mike: Whew! >PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS: Tom: We can't leave, guys, the trailers are playing! >#205 -- Homeward Bound? >In 2044 A.D., the SOL crew meet up with a scientist >who may be able to fix their time machine, but he truly >wants the machine to go back in time himself to make >himself rich and famous!!! Tom: So, he's going back to the 80s and investing in junk bonds. >#206 -- The Return Of Torgo > In 2133 A.D., Torgo joins the SOL crew,himself >time-hopping with his assistant Joey, as they search for the >now-extinct Buffalo Wing to keep Torgo's 24th Century >business going! Mike: Col. Sanders, you will hear from PETA about this. Crow: Never mind, let's go! Tom: I wonder if our friend is still up there... (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) Mike: Hoo boy, that was one humdinger of a loser.. Daniel: I had more important things to do...but I can handle it..... (All of the sudden, the room gets very bright and angelic voices begin to sing) GOD: ALRIGHT, DANIEL, I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU AND HAVE FINALLY HAD ENOUGH ( A large hand points at Daniel) Daniel: Oh, Sh-- (*zap* Daniel is gone) GOD: YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW GOOD IT FELT TO DO THAT. Mike: Uh.....Good shot. GOD: I HAVEN'T MISSED YET. LISTEN, I CAN'T STAY, I HAVE TO BE APPEARING IN SOMEONE'S BOWL OF OATMEAL PRETTY SOON. Tom: Is there any reason why? GOD: NO, I JUST LIKE TO SEE THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES. REMEMBER KIDS, PRAY SMARTLY... ( The singing starts to fade) Crow: Hey! Where's the bike I've been asking for? Tom: Crow! Crow: What?! All I was asking... Mike: Never mind...well, anyway, we don't have any letters. And they probably wouldn't be too interesting right now...so anyway, back to you, Mr. Science... (Deep 13) (telephone rings) Dr. F: Wait a minute, the telephone is ringing.....Hello? Collect call? Alright....Hello? Frank! How's California? Listen Frank, the temp hasn't arrived and there is no one around to....You haven't made it to California yet? So where are you calling from? Frank! Do you have any idea how much this phone call will cost? The least you could have done was call from inside our plane of existance...Frank, if you weren't already dead...Who's going to push the button? GOD: LET ME HELP YOU, MY SON. (Large hand swoops down and pushes the button) I hope you've enjoyed this fanfic. I might be back with another one depending on the response, or if I have time. Depends on which I think is more important. Thank you, Emi. Thank you, Micheal, for the corniness you bring into our lives.... And now, for something completely different: ************************************************ * From: dayscott@max.tiac.net * * Addams (Always look on the bright side of DEATH!!) * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead (except obvious residents of 4BC), is purely coincidental * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1995 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "Do They Know It's Christmas" * * C 1995 * ****************************************************************************