Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 204 Reel 1 "Do They Know It's Christmas" In the not too distant future, September of '96 Dr. Forrester had just received his latest load of flicks Too late to bring back Mike and Joel So the future is where he had to go A return trip home was set in place But short-circuiting the time machine warped them out of space!! The Satellite's now jumping, from year to year to year Mike Nelson remains missing, giving everyone cause to fear Now keep in mind they can't control where the time-jumps begin or end Pray for Dr. F and Frank and Joel, and also their robot friends.... ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot (saves the day) Gypsy (whatta pilot) Tom Servo (gotcha voice back) Croooow! (still the wisecracker) "Is this jump the jump back home," they wonder every day So repeat to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!! (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) (The SOL is all decked out for Christmas, and Frank's by the tree placing a present underneath it) FRANK: Oooo....Dr. Forrester will be so excited!! This Head De-shrinker will be the highlight of his year! (Dr. F arrives on the bridge, just out of the shower) FORRESTER: Oh hello Frank, I see you got my Christmas present there...what is it? FRANK: It's a big surprise! You'll just love this Head De-shrinker! (Dr. F, not wanting to let Frank realize what happened, plays along) FORRESTER: Well, I'm sure it will be something deplorable! FRANK: Oh thank you! (Joel enters, with Crow and Tom not far behind) JOEL: So you see, guys, that's why it's not cool to be too greedy around this time of the year! CROW: I don't care, I still want my bike! TOM: And I want some gumballs! JOEL: And it's also very hard to find anything out here in the nonending nexus of time and space. FRANK: Hey Joel, you should see the cool Head De-shrinker I got for Steve! TOM: Uh, Frank, do you realize you just gave away the surprise? (Frank thinks.....a big effort on his part!) FRANK: Waaaaaah!!!! (The SOL comes to a landing) GYPSY: We're stopped, guys! CROW: Let's take a look outside on the hexview! (The hexview shows the view of a vast wasteland desert) TOM: Look at these readings! According to these, we've landed somewhere near Israel! MAGIC VOICE: Israel.....December of 4 B.C. JOEL: Of course, guys, we may actually get to witness the birth of one of the most influential figures in all of history! GYPSY: Richard Basehart? TOM: No, Jesus, you know, the Son of God, the Christ, the big guy! FRANK: Yeah, and he died around Easter! Weird, huh? I bet the Easter Bunny was looking and looking for him and he was nowhere to be found! (Forrester SMAKS Frank) FRANK: Owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie!!!!! GYPSY: Maybe we can go out and search for the baby while we're here! JOEL: And since it's Christmas, we have to bring gifts to him! CROW: But what do you give to the leader of a religion? FRANK: I have this copy of Amy Grant's "The Collection" FORRESTER: I have these Canadian golden dollars. TOM: Hey look! Incense! (Everyone looks at Tom) TOM: IT CAN HAPPEN!!!!!!! FRANK: Swith your incense with my Amy Grant! TOM: You're on! (Frank and Tom switch gifts) JOEL: You bots stay here for now..I'll take the records over. TOM: You mean we're gonna miss it? JOEL: No...Cambot, come with us...the rest of you bots can watch it on hex- view. You'd look way too suspicious here! CROW: And we didn't look suspicious everywhere else we went? TOM: He's got'cha there, Joel! FORRESTER: You never were too bright, Boobie! FRANK: Oooo...this is gonna be so exciting! (Joel sees a very bright star to the east) JOEL: I guess we go that-a-way! (points to the star) (Joel, Dr. F, and Frank head off in the direction of the star, but in the meanwhile, off in the distance, a shadowy device appears out of nowhere! A shadowy figure steps out of a shadowy door in the shadowy device. A shadowy--) SHADOW: Get on with it already!!!! (OK....he steps out and speaks) SHADOW: This is it! Now to put my plan into action in order to stop the Christmas holiday from ever happening!! Hahahahaha!!!! They laughed at me! They said I, Carl Handy, couldn't do it! But I'll show them! I'll show them all!! Hahahahahaha!!! (Carl walks off in the direction of the star. Aboard the SOL....) CROW: This sucks! We don't get to see the birth of Christ! TOM: You're telling me! I wanted to be able to tell all my friends that I actually witnessed Jesus' birth! CROW: What friends....besides us? TOM: Oh yeah... (Gypsy sees someone sneaking around outside the SOL) GYPSY: Who's that? (Tom and Crow look) CROW: Someone's sneaking around! TOM: Let's say Hi! (Gypsy, Crow, and Tom exit the SOL to meet Carl) CARL: Wh-Who are you? CROW: We're the bots! TOM: Who are you? CARL: I'm Carl Handy, mad scientist! I'm gonna stop Christmas! Hahaha! GYPSY: Oh.....Ok..... (Carl walks off....after about 30 seconds.....) GYPSY: STOP CHRISTMAS?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!! We gotta stop him!!! CROW: Why? GYPSY: So kids everywhere can get presents!! TOM: Come on Crow.....do it for the kids! CROW: Uh........uh........ GYPSY, TOM: CROW!! CROW!! CROW!! CROW: Okay! (Tom and Gypsy cheer) TOM: Let's go kick some Carl butt! CROW: If we can find him! (Tom, Crow, and Gypsy look around...no sign of Carl) GYPSY: Let's go!! 1..2..3..4..1..2..3..4..1..2..3..4...... (Tom, Gypsy, and Crow march off to find Carl. Meanwhile, somewhere in the desert....) FRANK: I'm tired, Steve, can we rest? FORRESTER: Frank, you have to be the wussiest person I have ever seen! The true meaning of Christmas depends on you! JOEL: That's touching, sir! FORRESTER: Touching, my ass! I just want this over with so we can get back to the SOL ASAP. FRANK: What's a SOLASAP? (Forrester SMAKS Frank) FRANK: Owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie!!!!!!! (They see three figures off in the distance) JOEL: Look, guys, those must be the three wise men! FRANK: Maybe they can help us with our time machine, being that they're so wise and all! FORRESTER: Frank, y--.......never mind! JOEL: We should stop and join them! FORRESTER: Are you sure? There's no mention of the "Six Wise Men"! JOEL: Well, we could break away from them just before we get there! FORRESTER: Of course... (Suddenly, shots ring out! Carl can be seen off in the distance, trying to shoot down the 3 wise men!) JOEL: R U N !!!!!! (Joel, Dr. F, and Frank run off in the star's direction. Looking back, they see the three wise men go down from the shots!) FRANK: I dodn't know guns were invented back here? JOEL: They're not! It seems we have some evil time traveller or something! FORRESTER: So what does this mean? the "Three Wise Men" are dead! JOEL: No they're not! FRANK: Huh? JOEL: Simple....the fate of Christmas is now in our hands! FORRESTER: You don't mean.... JOEL: Yes....WE are now the "Three Wise Men"!! (Back to the bots, searching for Carl) TOM: We've GOT to find him!! If we don't, Christmas is doomed! CROW: I'm too young to not get presents on the 25th! GYPSY: And I was expecting an autographed picture of Richard Basehart! CROW: Again? TOM: Will you two stop it! We have a saboteur to find! (They come upon the bodies of the actual "wise men") GYPSY: Oh no!!! TOM: Its...TOO scary! CROW: Are we too late? TOM: I'm afriad so, Crow! CROW: But I still remember Christmas! TOM: It's only a matter of time....this is only the first step! It means Carl's on his way....and this is his gory path! (Meanwhile, the star in the east is getting brighter and brighter. Joel, Dr. F, and Frank are riding camels) FRANK (riding): Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!...... FORRESTER: Frank, if you knew you were going to be on a camel, you should have brought a pillow! FRANK: That's just it! I didn't know! FORRESTER: What about the old Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared"? FRANK: I never made it past Cub Scouts. FORRESTER: This is getting us nowhere! Where does it say in the Bible about dollars, records, and incense? (But Carl is not too far behind, and a shot rings out which hits Joel's camel. It goes down and Joel breaks the records into pieces!!) JOEL: There goes my present! (Joel picks up part of the record label with the record company logo on it) JOEL: Hey! Get this!! The label on this record is Myrrh records! Weird, isn't it? (Joel puts the record fragment into his pocket for safe keeping) FRANK: What is myrrh, anyway? JOEL: Well, it's.........uh.......sir? FORRESTER: Easy, it's......some thing that......well, it's....... FRANK: OK! SO DON"T TELL ME!! SEE IF I CARE!! (Forrester rolls his eyes....meanwhile, back to the bots.....) CROW: Servo, we've been following these hoofprints for miles! Can't we stop? TOM: NO!! We MUST trudge on! Come on! Work it, pink boy!! GYPSY: We'll never make it on time! TOM: We MUST!! Santa Claus!! Chestnuts!! Jack Frost!! Snow!! Cold!! CROW: And we're trying to SAVE this holiday? TOM: You know what I mean! (The bots come upon the reamains of the record) TOM: AAAAAHHH!!! My poor record!! CROW: Calm down, Tom, it's just a record album! TOM: Amy....you will be missed.... (Tom starts to hum "Taps", and is then stopped by Crow) CROW: Let's go, Tom...there's no intelligent life in there! heh heh! TOM: You take that back! CROW: Make me! GYPSY: That's it! Now I know we'll never make it!! (Tom and Crow start to fight, but Gypsy takes the initiative) GYPSY: STOP IT!!!!! (Tom and Crow freeze in their tracks) GYPSY: If you don't stop, then we REALLY won't make it!! TOM: Gypsy's right, Crow....we must move on! Carl's gonna stop Christmas and we're the only ones who can stop him! GYPSY: Hop on me, guys! CROW: Why? GYPSY: I was made for the sand! TOM: Of course!! She can slink like a worm across this! (Tom and Crow hop uo on Gypsy and they speed off toward the star) GYPSY: Look! (After a while, they see Carl gunning at what looks like the "Three Wise Men". Crow jumps him!) CROW: Gotcha!! CARL: What the hell--!? CROW: Now, Tom!! (Tom hovers up and covers Carl's head with his hoverskirt) CARL: HEY!!! (Joel and company can be seen off in the distance, on the outskirts of Jerusalem) GYPSY: That's not the wise men, that's Joel and the Mads!! CROW (closer look): Oh yeah.....hey, Tom! It's Joel!! TOM: No time...we have to subdue Carl!! CARL: No!! I have to do this!! They laughed at me!!! CROW: Hold him, Tom!! GYPSY: I hope Joel makes it! (Meanwhile...Joel and the Mads enter Jerusalem) FRANK: Now all we have to do is find a hotel with a manger. JOEL: Frank, back in this time, every hotel had a manger. FORRESTER: Where's that damn star!! FRANK: Over this place! (Frank points to a small secluded inn in the distance) JOEL: I guess it's time to do our duty. FORRESTER: Joel, that's disgusting! JOEL: Not that, sir, we have to deliver these gifts! FRANK: Just think, we'll get to see baby Jesus! It's so ooky! It's so warming inside! It's so **FRANK NOISE**. (They come upon the door of the inn. They enter the inn and walk up to the front desk) FORRESTER: Ask him, Boobie! JOEL: Excuse me, but do you know the way to the stable? CLERK: Yes...go down to the right and hang a left and the stable's right there! JOEL: Thanks! FRANK: Hey! I thought English wasn't invented yet! JOEL: I know, but the translators I got last year can also translate Hebrew too! FRANK: Oh.... FORRESTER: Frank, if you had half a brain you still wouldn't even have half a brain!! JOEL: Now don't fight, you two, we have to deliver these gifts!! (Meanwhile, Carl has been tied up by Gypsy and Crow and Tom are beating him. CARL: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! TOM: C'mon Crow! Get him! CROW: That does it! We've knocked him out! (Tom looks to see Crow is right. Suddenly, 6 figures appear out of nowhere) TOM: What's that? MAN 1: Hello, my name is Summer, and we're the Time Warriors! This man is wanted for crimes against time...specifically, the attempted murder of Christmas! CROW: He's all yours! (Gypsy unties Carl. he slumps to the ground as the Time Warriors take him away. Before leaving, though, Summer speaks again) SUMMER: Thanks, bots! You saved us a lot of trouble! Commander, bodyslide by six! (The Time Warriors fade out of sight) CROW: Hey! I just remembered something! Since we're so close to Jerusalem, why not go all the way? Let's see the birth of Jesus! GYPSY: Yay!! TOM: Then onward, bots! We have not far to go! (Back at the inn, at the inn's stable) FRANK: Look! Over there!! (Joel and Dr. F look in Frank's direction, and see a glow over a small manger with a small child inside...the child is the baby Jesus. The baby's mother, Mary, motions for Joel, Dr. F, and Frank to enter) FORRESTER (whispering): Joel, do we have to kneel? JOEL: Yes, that's the way it's recorded in the books! (They kneel in front of the manger and present their gifts) JOEL: Well, this was a complete record, but now all I have is the label (Joel persents the label which says "Myrrh" to the baby) FORRESTER: Here are some coins I picked up from Canada. (Dr. F presents his golden dollars to Jesus, followed by Frank's gift) FORRESTER: And that's Frank's incense. (Mary's husband, Joseph, adresses the crew) JOSEPH: Thank you for your gifts of gold, frankincense, and.....myrrh. FRANK: You know, we never did find out what myrrh is! (The bots arrive at the manger) TOM: Did we miss it? Are we too late? JOEL: Well, we didn't see the actual birth, but we still got to see Jesus! (A light on Tom's chest indicates the time machine has started up again) TOM: WHOA!! We better get out of here! JOEL: Call Magic Voice! (Tom calls for Magic Voice, who teleports the SOL crew back to the SOL, after they go to some secluded area, of course. Back on the SOL....) MAGIC VOICE: Rolling back time... TOM: Rolling back? What do you mean? JOEL: It's the time machine...it's really out of whack! Look! (The time machine is beeping out of control. Back to 5 days before) CROW: What's going on? FORRESTER: Since the time machine rolled back time, then everything we went through never happened! TOM: What about Carl JOEL: Who? TOM: The guy trying to kill you. FORRESTER: Nope! JOEL: At least we got to see Jesus, even though it will never be recorded in history that way! CROW: Uh, Joel, now that I think of it, that bike's not too important. Be- sides, where am I gonna ride it anyway? TOM: Yeah, Joel, and you don't have to give me any gumballs either. GYPSY: And the Richard Basehart picture can wait another year. TOM: What we're trying to say Joel is....well....I have this weird feeling inside...I think I finally realize the true spirit of Christmas! Since we almost lost it back there! JOEL: Really, guys? (Tom and Crow look at each other, then turn back to Joel) TOM, CROW: NAAAAAH!!!!! TOM: Oh, we really had you going there, Joel! CROW: Yeah....hey Tom, let's go spike the eggnog! TOM: I'm with you! (Tom and Crow leave. Joel looks at the Mads) JOEL: My robots....I think I'll keep them.....turned off... FORRESTER: That's very nice, pink boy, but the time machine's on! FRANK: Here we go again.... (View from outside....the SOL winks out of sight) T H E E N D PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS: #205 -- Homeward Bound? In 2044 A.D., the SOL crew meet up with a scientist who may be able to fix their time machine, but he truly wants the machine to go back in time himself to make himself rich and famous!!! #206 -- The Return Of Torgo In 2133 A.D., Torgo joins the SOL crew, himself time-hopping with his assistant Joey, as they search for the now-extinct Buffalo Wing to keep Torgo's 24th Century business going! **************************************************************************** * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * * * *Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead (except obvious residents of 4BC), is purely coincidental * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions * * * * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1995 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "Do They Know It's Christmas" * * C 1995 * ****************************************************************************