Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 202 Reel 1 "Knighty-Knight, Black Knight" PREVIOUSLY ON MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES... (Hexview shows a medieval knight pounding on the landed SOL...he speaks) KNIGHT: Inhabitants of the metallic abode....Thou shalt pay thy taxes to the King, or thou shalt most certainly be beheaded! ALL ON SOL: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! In the not too distant future, September of '96 Dr. Forrester had just received his latest load of flicks Too late to bring back Mike and Joel So the future is where he had to go A return trip home was set in place But short-circuiting the time machine warped them out of space!! The Satellite's now jumping, from year to year to year Mike Nelson remains missing, giving everyone cause to fear Now keep in mind they can't control where the time-jumps begin or end Pray for Dr. F and Frank and Joel, and also their robot friends.... ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot (saves the day) Gypsy (whatta pilot) Tom Servo (gotcha voice back) Croooow! (still the wisecracker) "Is this jump the jump back home," they wonder every day So repeat to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!! (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) (The knight is pounding on the SOL) CROW: Joel, how much money do you have? JOEL: Does it matter? TOM: It does in the sense that if we don't pay up, we're going to DIE!!! FRANK: What's so bad about dying? I do it every day. CROW: That's different! You're a puss! JOEL: Now let's not panic. We've got to appeal to him. Tell the truth. TOM: Oh sure! "We're time travelling people from the future who have accidentally come upon your land with no hostile intention whatso- ever!" We'll be thrown in the dungeons for sure! FORRESTER: Why don't we just torture him until he lets us go? KNIGHT: Pay thy taxes or I force my way in! CROW: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! FORRESTER: Don't worry, there's no way he can get in here. I built this thing to withstand meteor showers! (A lance tip protrudes through the SOL into the bridge) FORRESTER: Lances, however, are another thing altogether! (The lance protrudes through another part of the SOL) CROW: WE'RE GOING TO DIE!! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!! JOEL: I guess we have no choice. Cambot, start the outside PA system. MAGIC VOICE: Exterior PA system engaged. JOEL: This is Joel Robinson. We surrender. We're coming out. FRANK: Joel.....I never knew! (Joel rolls his eyes at Frank) FORRESTER: Oh Frank.... FRANK: Yes... (Dr. F gives Frank a severe shock with a bare wire) FRANK: OwieOwieOwieOwie!!! KNIGHT: Emerge from thy abode! (The SOL crew exits the Satellite) KNIGHT: Thou shalt come with me! TOM: Well, I guess it can't get much worse than this. (Quick cut to the inside of a damp dungeon) GUARD: Inside, foul tax evaders! (The guard throws the SOL crew into the cell one by one) CROW: You and your big mouth, Servo! TOM (yelling to Guard): Why I have half a mind to break the first robotic law!! GYPSY: Which one is that? TOM: I don't know, but it sounds profound as hell! FRANK: Actually, I think the first robotic law is-- (Forrester WHAPS Frank outside the head) JOEL: Can you two stop it! We've gotta figure out how to get out of here! VOICE: Ižm afraid that's impossible (SOL crew turns to face the voice. It's a bearded old man in rags) OLD MAN: I am the true King of England. Two weeks ago, the evil knight Sir Clayderman of Forrestshire thwarted my personal guards and pro- claimed himself King. He is the most annoying person I know! CROW: Of course, because he overthrew you! KING: No, because he and his men still speak in "thee"s, "thy"s, and "thou"s! TOM: Of course. KING: I need to get my kingdom back before Sir Clayderman taxes the people to death! JOEL: Hmmmmmmm..... CROW: He is! He's gonna say it! JOEL: Your Majesty, we can help you regain your kingdom! CROW, TOM: He said it! FORRESTER: You mean we actually have to....help....someone? JOEL: Yes! FRANK: C'mon, Steve, it can't be all that bad! Helping is easy! Remember how easily I helped Joel escape the Satellite 3 years ago? FORRESTER: Yes....and never bring it up again! GYPSY: What's the plan, Joel? JOEL: Ok...gather around... (The SOL crew and the King gather in a huddle) JOEL: Here's the plan.... (Joel tells everyone the plan...after 5 minutes, the gang springs into action) GYPSY: Here we go!! ALL ELSE: Shhhhhh!!!! GYPSY: Sorry. (Gypsy reaches through the bars with her hose and plucks off the keys from the hook across the room) JOEL: Good work Gypsy. Now let's get out of here. (Joel unlocks the door and everyone in the dungeon leaves...but they don't go far!) GUARD: Thou shalt not escape!! CROW: I thought he was asleep! FORRESTER: Now what would make you think that? CROW: Because the guard's always asleep during dungeon escapes! TOM: Well....not this time! FRANK: Uh....well....we were just...uh....going to the bathroom? FORRESTER (rolls eyes): Nice one, Frank! Uhhhhhhh.... TOM: Well, you see, it's like this: We got word that the Mole Men from Mars were going to attack the castle, so we thought we'd go and tell Sir Clayderman so he can have a chance to defend! GUARD: Uh...Mole Men? Mars? SIR CLAYDERMAN!!!!!!! (Guard runs off to the throne room) JOEL: Be careful, Servo, or the rise of tabloid journalism will be attrib- uted to us! CROW: So? FORRESTER: Can we move on? Please!? JOEL: Patience...we can't just burst into the throne room. CROW: Why not? (Crow runs toward the throne room) JOEL: Well, let's go... (The SOL crew enters the throne room, where the guard just finished telling Sir Clayderman about the Mole Men from Mars) GUARD: ...and that's why we shalt arm the cata-- CLAYDERMAN: Who dares enter mine throne room!! FORRESTER: Dr. Clayton Forrester dares, boobie, and I demand tha-- WHAT!? (Dr. F notices Sir Clayderman looks like him! Except neatly groomed) FRANK: Hey, he looks like you, Steve! GYPSY: The resemblance is uncanny! CROW: As if we needed TWO Dr. Forresters! JOEL: Apparently Sir Clayderman is an ancestor of Dr. F! FORRESTER: Oh don't be ridiculous! (A strange-looking spitcurled squire appears out from behind the throne wearing dark-colored armor) CLAYDERMAN: This is mine squire, Franco. He's from Spain. TOM: Now THIS is what I call ridiculous! FORRESTER: I'm telling you, this must be some kind of weird coincidence! CLAYDERMAN: Now thou shalt pay dearly for invading mine throne room! Pull thy lever, Franco! (Franco pulls a lever and the SOL crew and the King fall down a trap door leading to another dungeon) FRANCO: Stephen, how long shalt we keep them in thine pit? CLAYDERMAN: Until they pay thine taxes......and don't call me 'Stephen'! (In the pit-dungeon) FRANK: Hey! This is great! TOM: And how, I'm afraid to ask, do you figure that out? FRANK: Well, there are no windows or doors here, only walls, right? CROW: And.... (Frank takes out a cardboard tube) FRANK: More room for me to put up these Burt I. Gordon movie posters! TOM: I knew I shouldn't have asked! FORRESTER: Give me that!! (Dr. F swipes the tube away from Frank) FORRESTER: Frank, if you had half a brain, you'd still only have half a brain! JOEL: Wait a minute! That's just what we need! Let me see that. (Joel examines the tube) JOEL: It's just long enough to do the job! CROW: Do WHAT job? JOEL: Gypsy, I'll need your help. You too, Cambot! (Joel unscrews Cambot's lens and puts it in his pocket) TOM: Uh Joel, do you really have to mutilate Cambot to do this? JOEL: Naw, I'm just taking off his lens so I work this invention. Crow, I'll need one of your hands for this. CROW (takes off his hand): OK, but I don't see what you're getting at. (He gives it to Joel) (Joel attaches Crow's hand to Cambot's side. He then inserts the cardboard tube into the opening created by the removal of Cambot's lens) FORRESTER: This wouldn't happen to be another of your kooky inventions, is it? (Joel inserts the other end of the tube partway into the end of Gypsy's hose) JOEL: OK now Gypsy, squeeze on it tight! (Joel turns Gypsy upside down) TOM: I think I know what he's doing now.... JOEL: Now let's hope this works. (Joel tosses Gypsy's hose with the contraption up toward the opening. Cambot just gets to the top where Crow's hand attaches itself to the opening of the pit. Joel yanks a bit on Gypsy's tube) JOEL: Great! Nice and tight! OK. I'll carry Tom, Dr. F, you carry Crow. Going up... (The SOL crew and the King climb up Gypsy's hose until they reach the throne room. It is empty now) JOEL: OK Gypsy, you ready? GYPSY (yelling from pit): Ready! (Joel pulls Gypsy up out of the pit, then returns the bots to their normal states) JOEL: Now here's my plan..... (As the SOL crew and the King huddle, we go to Sir Clayderman) CLAYDERMAN: Franco, get me mine potato cakes. FRANCO: Sure thing, Stephen. CLAYDERMAN: AND DON'T CALL ME 'STEPHEN'!!!! Next time I shalt kill thee! FRANCO: Again? CLAYDERMAN: Yes! The potato cakes, please! (Franco goes to the kitchen, where our heroes are waiting! They jump him!) FRANCO: Hey!! You-- mmmmph (Crow puts his claw over Franco's mouth) JOEL: OK, Frank, you're going to take his place. FRANK: But this guy's a complete moron! FORRESTER: Perfect! JOEL: Crow, tape Franco's mouth and get his armor off. (Crow does so and hands the armor to Frank) CROW: Here...put this on. (Frank puts on the armor) FRANK: Hey Steve, look! It's a perfect fit! JOEL: Here....take these potato cakes to Sir Clayderman. FRANK: Oooo...potato cakes! My favorite! FORRESTER: This is no time for eating, Frank....we have a tyrant to over- throw! KING: Yes...I need my kingdom back! CKAYDERMAN (yelling from other room): Franco! Where are mine potato cakes?! (Pause....) TOM: Uh, Frank.... FRANK: Oh! (yelling): Coming right up forsooth, Mr. Majesty thee prithee! CLAYDERMAN (yelling): Whatever! Just get me mine potato cakes! FORRESTER: Do me proud, Frank! (Frank leaves with the potato cakes) JOEL: Now we wait for Frank to say the secret word. (In Clayderman's room) FRANK: Here are thou potato cakes, blimey thee Majesty. TOM (hiding): Uh, Joel, i hate to say this, but Frank's Renaissance English, like, sucks!! JOEL (hiding): Well, we just better hope Sir Clayderman doesn't tell the difference. CLAYDERMAN: Franco, recline mine sleep apparatus! CROW (hiding): Can't he say "bed" like everyone else? JOEL (hiding): Shhhh! FRANK: Yes sir, forsooth mine lord. (Frank reclines the bed while Clayderman eats potato cakes) FRANK: Uh.......Um....... CROW (hiding, sarcastic): Oh great! FORRESTER (hiding): Leave it to Frank to forget the secret word! CLAYDERMAN: Franco, is there something wrong? FRANK: Uh....no majestic one. I will be right back in mine time of....Oh forget it! (Frank goes over to where the SOL crew is hiding) FRANK: Hey Steve, what's the secret word again? CROW: Oh forget it! BANSAI!!!!!! (Crow leaps out of the hiding place and pounces on Clayderman!) CLAYDERMAN: GUARD!! GUARD!! (Joel locks the door to the bedroom just before the Guards get to it) FORRESTER: Okay, pink boy! Do you call off your guards or do we get rough? CLAYDERMAN: Guards.....disperse! FORRESTER: That's better. KING: How does it feel to be on the other side of oppression for a change? GYPSY: You've been a bad man! KING: Sir Clayderman, you have been a thorn in my side ever since you made yourself a knight. It is clear that I have finally won against you! TOM: It seems justice is done. (Joel and Frank shackle Sir Clayderman in irons and lead him out of the room) KING: My guards! No longer shall you live under the rule of Sir Clayderman. I have regained my throne! (The throne room.....the next day) KING: Thanks to you, I can now benevolently rule my land again! FORRESTER: Well, it's all in a day's work! TOM: Now let's see who "Sir Clayderman" really was! (Crow removes a mask and the same face is underneath) TOM: Well, what do you know! It really WAS Sir Clayderman! CLAYDERMAN: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for thy meddling crew and their....metal things. CROW: That's "bots"! CLAYDERMAN: Whatever! KING: Throw Clayderman and Franco into the dungeon....until further notice! GUARD: Yes, sire! (The guard drags Clayderman and Franco downstairs) KING: You all deserve a reward for your good deed. FORRESTER (to Frank): This is where it gets good! JOEL: No, that's OK. Where we go, we have no use for riches. (Dr. F cups his hand over his face and hangs his head down) CROW: Joel!! (The SOL crew leave the castle and go back to the Satellite) TOM: Joel! We could have been RICH!! Why did you refuse? JOEL: We never know where we're going to be next....the money here won't be any good in other places. FRANK: Well THAT makes a lot of sense! FORRESTER: Only to fools like you two! Let's get aboard. (Our heroes board the SOL. The time machine comes to life) TOM: Looks like we got back just in time! CROW: But still no trace of Mike! JOEL: Well, let's hope that wherever we go....Mike will be there. (At the castle, the King watches as the SOL is enveloped in a glow before it disappears into thin air, courtesy of the malfunctioning time machine) KING: Farewell, my friends.....and good luck!! T H E E N D PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS #203 -- Dat's Da Mug In 1931 A.D., a Chicago gangster finds the Satellite and 'convinces' Joel and the bots to store alcohol aboard it to hide it from the Police....and the gangster's lady takes a liking to Frank! #204 -- Do They Know It's Christmas In 4 B.C., the SOL crew arrives in Jerusalem just before the birth of Jesus, except this time, there's an evil time traveller who wants to prevent the baby's birth to end Christmas forever! **************************************************************************** * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead, is unintentional. * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions * * * * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1995 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "Knighty Knight, Black Knight" * * C 1995 * ****************************************************************************