Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 110 Reel 1 "Gamera Is Full Of Meat" PROLOGUE.....AUGUST 8, 1996.... (A videotape company is going about their business. The boss is on the phone) BOSS: So you want 10 copies of "Night Of The Lepus"? No problem! I'll send them down right away! WORKER: You know, boss, ever since Comedy Central cancelled "Mystery Science Theater 3000", demand for these cheesy movies have skyrocketed! BOSS: I know! I can't keep up with it! Get the ol' movie list and see what's popular this year so far! WORKER: Will do! (The worker gets the list and notices an old order form. he shows it to the boss) WORKER: What's this? BOSS: Look! It's dated November of last year! This order was.....OH MY GOD! WORKER: What? BOSS: This order was for Best Brains! You know, the MST3K guys! WORKER: So what do we do with it? BOSS: We rush it down to them, that's what! (to other workers): GET THESE MOVIES ON THE FIRST U.P.S. OUT OF HERE!! In the not too distant future, December of '95 Dr. Forrester saw no reason to keep Joel and Mike alive His experiments complete at last Severed ties with the satellite real fast It drifted off to an unknown place The Satellite Of Love was lost in space! Joel and Mike were frozen, for over 300 years The Satellite drifted all the way to the edge of the final frontier Now keep in mind the SOL was about to meet its end So a ship crew rescued Joel and Mike along with their robot friends. ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot....Gypsy....Tom Servo....Croooow!! Now in a refitted SOL, they tour the Milky Way And think to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may! On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!! (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) AUGUST 8, 2370...... (Tom is whistling....or trying to, at least) TOM: (Mike walks by, whistling a happy tune) TOM: You humans do that so easily! Now I know how Data felt! MIKE: Well, air outtake is needed in order to whistle, since you don't need to breathe, you can't, so therefore, you can't whistle! TOM: Oh so now you're Mister Science! (Joel enters) JOEL: Hey, Servo, what's wrong? TOM: I can't whistle! You know, it's a bot thing! (Crow walks by, whistling a happy tune?!) TOM: HEY!! How-- What-- CROW: What's the matter, Tom? Can't whistle? Heh heh! TOM: That's it! (Tom and Crow start to fight) JOEL: Come on, you guys, stop that! It's okay, Servo, many people can't whistle. MIKE: Besides, it's not that important....not like Battleship! TOM: Oh no!...Not again! MIKE (laughing): Just checkin' your reflexes, Tom! JOEL: I'm in the mood for a bit of steak! How about you, Mike? MIKE: Sure.....bots? CROW: We don't eat, Mike....unless it's sprinkled with hot piping RAM chips! (Joel waves a bag of RAM chips in front of Crow and Tom) CROW: On second thought.....steak sounds good! JOEL: Gypsy! We need you for a minute! (Gypsy enters) JOEL: We gotta cook some of this steak....could you be our oven? GYPSY: 350 degrees coming right up! (Joel puts the steak into Gypsy's mouth to cook it) AUGUST 12, 1996......EDEN PRAIRIE, MINNESOTA (The U.P.S. truck pulls up to Best Brains studios) DRIVER: Is there a "Jim Mallon" here? (Jim Mallon walks out of the studio building) MALLON: That would be me. DRIVER: A load of 100 movies from the Public Domain Video Club just arrived. MALLON: That should have been here almost a year ago! DRIVER: Yeah, they said it was lost among their other orders. MALLON: Figures! That's the last time I order from them! DRIVER: Have a good one! MALLON: You too! (U.P.S. truck drives away....Mallon takes the huge box inside the building, then gets on the phone) MALLON: Hello? Deep 13? The tapes just came in! AUGUST 12, 2370......SATELLITE OF LOVE (Joel and Mike have killer stomach aches) TOM: Joel, Mike, what's wrong? JOEL: I don't know! I think it was that food! TOM: Quick! We need a microscope! (Crow gets the microscope) TOM: Crow, where did you get that? CROW: Nuveena left it behind! Didn't I tell you? TOM: No, and neither did the author either! (Sorry) TOM: Just don't let it happen again! (OK) CROW: Besides, don't we have another one? The one Joel played golf on? TOM: Yeah! I wonder whatever happened to it! (It's under the table) TOM: How do you know? ('Cause I'm the author and I say so!) TOM: Oh........oh yeah, here it is! Crow, get it, my arms don't work! (Crow gets it.......) CROW: Hey! No cheap riffs! (heh heh) (Tom puts a sample of the meat under one of the microscopes) TOM: This meat has a mild poison in it! It causes an eternal stomach ache! CROW: That's bad, right? TOM: Of course it's bad! CROW: Hey, Tom, look at this! This meat's made by the "Gamera Food Exchange"! TOM: I guess in this case, Gamera is REALLY full of meat! CROW: So...why don't we go there and see if they know about a cure! TOM: Great thinking, Crow......GYPSY! GYPSY: Yup.... TOM: We gotta get to this address....the Rigel system! GYPSY: But that's a disputed area! TOM: No choice! Joel and Mike's health are at stake here! We cannot afford to be afraid! CROW: Nice speech! GYPSY: Entering co-ordinates now! TOM: Full speed! GYPSY: Aye-aye! TOM: Nipple tweak.....AND WE'RE OFF!!!! AUGUST 12, 1996......DEEP 13 (Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank are looking bored) FRANK: Things have sure quieted down since we let Joel and Mike rot in space! FORRESTER: By now...their lungs must be aching for-- ARGH! See...look, I'm even beginning to TALK like them! (The phone rings) FORRESTER: Deep 13......What?!?!......It's about time! Send them down!! FRANK: Who was that, Steve? FORRESTER: That was Jim Mallon at our fake company in Minnesota! He finally got the tapes we ordered last year! You know what that means? FRANK: We get them for free? FORRESTER: NO! It means we get to torture Joel, Mike, and the bots some more! Push the button and bring back the Satellite. FRANK: Uh....you severed control last year. FORRESTER: Then we have to find some other way to get them back....but how? AUGUST 15, 2370......SATELLITE OF LOVE (The Satellite enters the Rigel system) CROW: Welcome to the Rigel system...land of terretorial rights wars! JOEL (in pain): Isn't this where we first woke in the 24th Century? TOM: Yup! And we're on our way...on a quest...for food! MIKE (in pain): GOOD food, I hope! CROW: There it is! Over there! (The Satellite crew looks and sees the planet where the Food Exchange is located) TOM: Gypsy, put us in a synchronous orbit! (Gypsy does so. Tom, Crow, Joel, and Mike get onto the transporter) CROW: Gypsy....porting 4! (They port down to the surface right in front of the building) TOM: Well, guys, here we are......salvation! CROW: Hallelujah! TOM: Yes, my brothers, this is the place! Where HEALING is made! CROW: Halle-- JOEL: Just go on inside. (They enter the building where a receptionist is seated behind a desk) RECEPTIONIST: Welcome to the Gamera Food Exchange....how may I help you? CROW: Our human friends ate of your food and got sick....and the bacteria is also in food stored on our ship which originally came from here, too! TOM: Basically, we're talking the eternal aches unless they get help. RECEPTIONIST: Just take hallway E just before the huge room. CROW: What huge room? RECEPTIONIST: Not any huge room, THE Huge Room! Where the boss is! CROW: Oh! RECEPTIONIST: Just wait there until you are serviced. That's the exchange department. JOEL: The pain! MIKE: It's worse than "Atomic Brain"! JOEL: Worse than "Manos"! MIKE: Worse than "Yucca Flats"! TOM: Oh come on guys! Tough it out! It's not long now! (Crow is staring off into space for some reason) TOM: What, Crow? CROW: Do you see what I see? TOM: What? CROW: I think someone....or someTHING....is watching us! TOM: What the--?! (Crow and Tom look down to see what looks like a row of.....theater seats??) TOM: It can't be! CROW: But it is! TOM, CROW: IT'S US!!! CROW: Hey, what are we saying? TOM: I don't know....it's hard to hear them. CROW: Hey, get this! "By this time my lungs were aching for air!" TOM: No it's like the Counting Crows...."I wanna see me staring right back at me!" (Tom Servo stares at what is apparently his image) TOM: Yeah, I'm staring you down! You're still stuck watching bad flicks, aren't you? HAHAHAHA!!! CROW: Uh, Tom, we haven't done that yet! TOM: Done what? CROW: Whatever's happening here! TOM: Different quantum reality? CROW: So it would seem! JOEL (in pain): Uh....could we get back to the matter at hand, please? TOM: Oh yeah! Let's get back to hallway E. CROW: "What Ward E means to me".....heh heh TOM: Not now, Crow, we have lives to save! CROW: Oh. (Tom, Crow, Joel, and Mike make their way down hallway E to the exchange department. The Exchanger greets them) EXCHANGER: How may I help you? TOM: About a year ago, we got some food from the Dominion starship named Vanges. Some of it, the stuff from here, was tainted with a bacteria. EXCHANGER: Well....looks like a stomach pump is needed. JOEL (sarcastic): Oh, great! EXCHANGER: And we'll need the rest of it too. (Tom calls Gypsy and tells her to send the rest down) TOM: What?? You just deprived me of a line! (Sorry...but it had to be done! ;) ) (The rest of the tainted food is ported down to the company) EXCHANGER: Good.....now we can get back to the matter at hand! MIKE: So that means.... EXCHANGER: Yup....lie flat on your back and let the pump do all the work! (The exchanger puts what looks like huge water pumps on top of Joel and Mike's stomachs) EXCHANGER: Ok let's rev 'em up! (He turns the machine on) JOEL, MIKE: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! AUGUST 15, 1996......DEEP 13 (Dr. Forrester pulls out an old invention) FRANK: What's that, Steve? FORRESTER: It's the time machine we built almost 3 years ago. I've been making some adjustments on it since we put it away. It can now go into the future! FRANK: But how's that going to help us? FORRESTER: Easy. Since the Satellite is too far away for normal rockets to retrieve right now, we'll go into the future and take some charter ship or something and find it then. FRANK: But what about Joel and Mike? FORRESTER: All we need is the Satellite, then we can send up some other poor soul.....HAHAHAHAHA!!! FRANK: How does it work? FORRESTER: I simply input how many years into the future I want to go, and Presto! We're there! FRANK: Like this? (Frank pushes 3 buttons on the panel) FORRESTER: NO YOU FOOL!! WE'RE GOING TOO FAR!! (The time machine disappears from Deep 13 in a puff of chaos) AUGUST 15, 2370......GAMERA FOOD EXCHANGE (The stomach pumping is finished. The exchanger has supplied the Satellite with some new food supplies) EXCHANGER: That should last you ten years. CROW: And if it doesn't, we'll sue you! JOEL: Crow.... CROW: Just kidding! heh heh! MIKE: Gypsy....porting 4 and supplies (Gypsy ports them back to the Satellite) JOEL: Thanks, Gypsy, now let's get this food-- GYPSY: Uh, guys..... MIKE: What is it? VOICE: Hello, Boobies! JOEL: It can't be! TOM: NOOOOOOOO! (They turn around to see Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are on board the Satellite!!) FORRESTER: Thank you, Frank, for those numbers you pushed! FRANK: Anytime! FORRESTER: I knew the Satellite would still be around, but I never figured that even you would still be here, Joel the Mole! JOEL: You'll never get away with this! FORRESTER: I already have! Frank, hook up the time machine to the SOL and set the controls back to Deep 13? FRANK: How do I do that? FORRESTER: Do I have to do everything? Look, it's simple! Just touch these wires to anything metal and-- (Forrester receives a shock which careens throughout the whole SOL and damages the time machine control!) FRANK: Uh, Steve, I don't think you want to see what's happening. GYPSY: The time machine short-circuited!!!! FORRESTER: It's stuck on auto-jump! There's no way to control it!! TOM: Then that means...... CROW: WE'RE GONNA DRIFT HELPLESSLY THROUGH TIME!!!!!! ALL: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (A temporal wave envelops the entire Satellite just before it disappears over the skies of Rigel-III) VISITOR TO RIGEL: Now THERE'S something you don't see every day! Where could they be? WHEN could they be? Do they still exist somewhere in the eternity of time, or did the temporal wave dissolve them all forever? You'll have to wait until September for the answers when we start season 2 of the net famous MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!!!! PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS: #201, 202 -- Yeah, like I'm gonna spoil the big surprise season-ending cliffhanger with a preview of 201! **************************************************************************** * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended* * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead, is unintentional (except Jim Mallon, who is actually the* * Jim Mallon of this reality and not, in actuality, the REAL Jim Mallon, * * which....oh, forget it already!) * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and* * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions * * * * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1994 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "Gamera Is Full Of Meat" - C 1994 * ****************************************************************************