Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 109 Reel 1 "Design For Nightmares" In the not too distant future, December of '95 Dr. Forrester saw no reason to keep Joel and Mike alive His experiments complete at last Severed ties with the satellite real fast It drifted off to an unknown place The Satellite Of Love was lost in space! Joel and Mike were frozen, for over 300 years The Satellite drifted all the way to the edge of the final frontier Now keep in mind the SOL was about to meet its end So a ship crew rescued Joel and Mike along with their robot friends. ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot....Gypsy....Tom Servo....Croooow!! Now in a refitted SOL, they tour the Milky Way And think to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may! On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!! (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) MIKE: B-2 JOEL: Miss.......J-10 MIKE: Hit.......G-7 TOM: Hi, welcome to the Satellite Of Love. Joel and Mike are so entrenched in their game, they have no idea we just replaced their popcorn with rich Folger's Crystals! Let's watch.... MIKE: F-5 (Joel gets a handful of Folger's Crystals and eats it) JOEL: Miss.......B--blech!!! MIKE: I don't think there is a B-blech. JOEL: No, the bots switched our popcorn with rich Folger's Crystals! (Mike looks in the bowl) MIKE: There's nothing here BUT Crystals! CROW: Yeah, we took out the coffee!! JOEL: But how did you get so many Crystals?? TOM: Well, we opened up 500 bags of Folger's. MIKE: So where's the coffee? TOM: GYPSY!! LET 'ER RIP!! (A compartment opens above the bridge bringing 500 bags' worth of coffee down on Joel and Mike!) JOEL: Mike.....Never, ever ask the bots where they hide stuff! MIKE (brushing coffee out of his hair): I see. (Tom and Crow are laughing hard) TOM: You should have seen the looks on your faces! It was priceless! JOEL (to Mike): B-1 MIKE: Hit! You sank my battleship! CROW: Let's go, Tom. We'll never pull them away from that game! (Tom and Crow leave the bridge) MIKE: Wait, Joel! I mistook a coffee grind for that hit. Miss......F-3 JOEL: Miss. (In the theater) TOM: Face it, Crow, that game has been their passion ever since they brought it aboard! CROW: If only we could find a way to drag them away from it. Hmmmm......I know! Let's go! (Cambot rushes into the theater) TOM: Yo, Cambot, what's up? (Cambot shows the image of Joel and Mike ignoring what looks like an impor- tant hexview message) CROW: Replay the funky hexview stuff! (Cambot projects the message. It's from what looks like a very distressed man) MAN: From planet Futuris to whoever can hear me! I am Rovino, leader of the planet. Since the Earth year 2005 our technology has become stagnant. We must raise our level of technology to deal with our massive popula- tion explosion! We ask for the help of a Dominion starship or anyone with Dominion-level technology! TOM: Dominion technology? I believe we have some of that. CROW: Teleporter...check! Hyperdrive...check! Reconstituted food...check! TOM: But they said they have a population explosion! CROW: Oh, easy! Kill some of them....make war, not love! TOM: You can't kill them! CROW: Why? TOM: Because it would be wrong! CROW: Why? TOM: Because you....OH STOP THAT! Don't you see we have a serious problem here? The leader of a planet has called for help, and being the moral, loyal bots we are, we have an obligation to help! CROW: Speak for yourself! TOM (smacks Crow): Get a hold of yourself, man! I need your help! CROW: Oh, very well! TOM: GYPSY!! (Gypsy enters) TOM (to Gypsy): Get the ship to Futuris! We have a job to do! (The bots re-enter the bridge. Joel and Mike are still deep in Battleship) JOEL: D-7 MIKE: Miss. GYPSY: Joel, Mike, we're going to Futuris! MIKE: That's nice.......G-5 JOEL: Miss. TOM: Gypsy, forget about them! At least WE have the decency to help! Magic Voice, some help please? MAGIC VOICE: Mike's battleship is at A-2 through E-2. MIKE: M.V.!!!! MAGIC VOICE: Joel's P.T. is at C-7 and C-8. JOEL: You ruined it! TOM: That was the point, guys! Do you even realize we're answering the call of a planet in distress? MIKE: No TOM: See? You were oblivious! JOEL (to Mike): Another game? MIKE: You're on! CROW: It's hopeless! MAGIC VOICE: Planet orbit in 5..4..3..2..1.. Planet orbit now. TOM: Porting 5. Cambot, you stay here and burn the Battleship game. (Gypsy sets the controls on 'Auto' and beams down with Joel, Mike, Tom, and Crow. They touch down on Futuris) GYPSY: We got you two away from that bad game! MIKE: Oh yeah? (Mike gets out a game of Travel Battleship and gives one board to Joel) CROW: AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!! (Suddenly, Joel and Mike twitch!) TOM: Huh? JOEL: Just a nervous tic. New planet.....F-7 MIKE: Miss. (Rovino comes out to greet the SOL crew) ROVINO: I'm so glad you could come! As you can see, there is hardly any place to move. (The SOL crew looks and sees the streets jammed with people) ROVINO: You see, no one had died here since the Earth year 2005, and our life spans were well over 200 years to begin with! We cannot explain it! MIKE: So what are you looking for?......B-6 JOEL: Miss. ROVINO: Information! We need to know how to stop this insanity! CROW: Susan Powter! TOM: "Stop The Insanity"! ROVINO: Wait! I know you! We sent one of our musical operatives to you almost 400 years ago! CROW: Musical....operative?? TOM: No! Not.... ROVINO (calling on intercom): Nuveena! We have guests! CROW, TOM, GYPSY: AHHHHHHH!!! NUVEENA (entering, singing): I'm so glad you could come With your robot friends To my futuristic world! (Joel and Mike can't believe their eyes) JOEL (breaking away from the game): It doesn't seem-- MIKE: No, you've got to speak to her like this.... (deep voice, singing): This planet don't seem So futuristic now, But I hope we can be of service! (to Joel): Watch out, she's kind of touchy about robot-lovers......E-6 JOEL: Hit! NUVEENA (singing): I'd like you all to follow me So you'll know why your help we need. ROVINO (to SOL crew): Her singing takes a bit getting used to. JOEL: Mike, you've met some really weird people!......J-5 MIKE: Yes, I know!.....Miss (The SOL crew follows Nuveena to a viewing room) NUVEENA (singing): I'll start the film So you can see How we've stayed alive so long! (Nuveena starts the film) VOICE ON FILM: "Why the Futurisians Won't Die" -- A film by Bell Labs. TOM: Oh, God! VOICE: The Futurisians....peace-loving individuals. Since 2005 not a one has died! Why? Because of a virus which accelerated cell growth and cell destruction at the same time, making metabolism one thousand per- cent faster! CROW: Wanna go a little faster? JOEL: Crow, this isn't a movie, it's a serious info film!.......A-5 MIKE: Hit! VOICE: Since then, scientists have devoted all their time to kill the virus, predicting the current population explosion, but making our society stagnant. TOM: Well, you know how much I love a stag party! MIKE: Tom, cut it!......B-3 JOEL: Miss. VOICE: With a technology grant, we can find a cure and save our planet! (Pause on film) VOICE: Copyright 2344 Bell Labs of Futuris. NUVEENA (singing): Now you know why We need your help To regain our mortality! JOEL: I'm not sure we CAN help. We don't have the medical technology on board our ship........A-4 MIKE: Miss. ROVINO: But you must help us! We need technology! All the automatic cake- bakers and electronic highways we have can do nothing to help us in our situation! CROW: Look, there's a traffic jam on the bridge to the future! ROVINO: It's like that all day and all night long. TOM: Wouldn't it be faster to walk?.....hee hee! NUVEENA (singi--oh, never mind!): This is no laughing matter as you can see, Immortality's not all it's cracked up to be! MIKE: OK....we'll see what we can do to help.....F-1 JOEL: Miss. MIKE: After this game, that is. TOM: Oh! Us bots will start right away, if the 'Gamesters Of Triskelion' don't mind! JOEL: Whatever.....A-6 MIKE: Hit! You sank my P.T. boat! CROW: Oh, brother! This may take longer than we thought! (The SOL crew ports back to the SOL with Nuveena) NUVEENA: Here is a sample Of DNA So you can try to find a cure! (Joel and Mike look at their large Battleship game, now a pile of ashes) JOEL: Hey! What happened? TOM: I had Cambot burn the game with his lens. This obsession of yours is driving us insane! CROW: You mean more insane than normal? TOM: Well, yeah! JOEL: Nice to hear your concern......C-9 MIKE: Miss TOM (to Crow): Have you noticed? Joel and Mike's attitudes have changed since they got that ridiculous game! CROW: Yeah, so what do we do? TOM: Nothing now....let's help Nuveena! (Crow puts the DNA sample under a microscope. Tom looks into it) CROW: I can't believe we're trying to find a way to kill these people! TOM: Hey, it was your suggestion in the first place! CROW: Oh yeah, right! (Later....) TOM: Hey, Crow, look at this! Recognize it? (Crow looks into the microscope) CROW: It's.... TOM, CROW: HINDER-90!! TOM: But massively concentrated! NUVEENA: This 'Hinder-90's keepin' us 'live? What's the deal with this 'Hinder-90' jive! TOM (low voice, singing): Well, you see, This 'Hinder-90' Makes every bad thing turn good! CROW (singing): And I'm really afraid To tell you this, But we don't know of any cure! (talking): Tom, how long do we have to continue singing? TOM: As long as it takes, man! (Five hours later, Nuveena's dancing and Tom Servo looks stressed!) TOM: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! CROW: C'mon Tom, just a couple hours more! TOM: NO!! IT'S TOO MUCH!! NUVEENA: How is your re- search going my friend? CROW (singing): Tom Servo's stressed out to no-- (talking): NO!! Joel! Mike! Do something!! JOEL: H-6 MIKE: Hit! You sank my destroyer! CROW: Oh God!! TOM: AHHHHHH!!!!! CROW: Tom, let's get Gypsy and port down to the planet....I have an idea... TOM: Well, it better be a good one....I don't know if I can take the singing anymore!! CROW (to Nuveena, singing): You stay here and tend the ship, Tom and I will be back in a bit. NUVEENA: I hope that you Can help our world To regain our mortality! TOM (to Crow): Didn't she already sing that? CROW: Yeah, I know! (Crow snatches a videotape from the bridge and ports down with Gypsy and Tom) TOM: Crow, what are you up to now? CROW: I took out "Radar Secret Service".....with Hypno-Helio-Static-Stasis! TOM: Wait! Hinder-90 is the cure for HHSS, not the other way around! CROW: Well, I just assumed that that only worked with Mike's Ecstato-Euphoro Fun. GYPSY: For all we know, Hinder-90 by itself isn't as powerful! TOM: So we're just working on assumption....right? CROW: Yup! Pure assumption...nothing better...accept no substitutes! TOM (sarcastic): Just great! GYPSY: Let's go! TOM: Mike and Joel are obsessed with a game, we have a weird singing lady in the SOL, and WE'RE down here working on assumption! Face it, Tom, it's gonna be one of those days! CROW: We have to find some kind of public address system. Not too easy in this 50s futurism! TOM: What about that giant black-and-white screen overlooking the city? CROW: Oh....yeah....I knew that...heh. TOM: Now we have to find where the input device is? Now...what kind of person would have one? GYPSY: Richard Basehart? TOM: No....besides him! CROW: I think I know.... (The bots get to a weird-looking house. A scrawny teen with glasses and a pocket protector answers the door) TEEN: Hello CROW (to Tom): See? TOM: Of course! The kid in school who turns the filmstrips! CROW (to Teen): We want you to play this movie on the public address screen. TEEN: Why? TOM: Um.....it's a documentary on the progress of Earth technology! TEEN: Golly-gee! I've got to show everyone that! (The teen puts the tape into his primitive VCR and plays it. The movie ap- pears on the big screen. People start to watch and are fixated!) CROW: It's working! I was right! Hinder-90 alone cannot stop HHSS! TOM: Look....even the kid's no match (The teen is watching intently along with the rest of the world. Crow taps Tom's communicator button) CROW: Crow to SOL! Nuveena....(ahem) (singing): Come down here And you can see What we did to cure you all! (Nuveena ports down soon after and is instantly fixated at the screen!) TOM: YES! (Crow and Tom see that Gypsy is also fixated) TOM: Oh, no! Gypsy never received Ecstato-Euphoro Fun! CROW: Let's get her out of here! Cambot, porting 3! (Tom, Crow, and Gypsy port back to the SOL, where Joel and Mike are still playing!) JOEL: I-7 MIKE: Hit! You sank my aircraft carrier! TOM: Joel? Mike? (Gypsy snaps out of it) GYPSY: Guys?? CROW: It's OK, Gypsy....we did it! MIKE: H-5 JOEL: Miss TOM: I don't know about you guys, but I think Joel and Mike are a bit TOO obsessed! CROW: Cambot, take them away! (Suddenly, a bubble bath appears ar-- Just kidding, folks! Cambot uses his lens to destroy the Travel Battleship game. Suddenly, Joel and Mike start to writhe in pain!) JOEL: NOOO!!!! MIKE: THE PAIN!!!!! (Tom looks at the game reamins closely) TOM: Guys, look at this! There are computer circuits in this plastic! CROW: The "Schott Mind Control Company"! So THAT'S what made Joel and Mike so obsessed over the game! TOM: That must be why they twitched on the planet! Cambot burning the large game must have triggered it! JOEL: Guys, what happened? I feel like my head got put through 'Deep Hurt- ing'! GYPSY: An evil game took control of your mind! CROW: Yeah, and you didn't care about anything else! TOM: Not even Nuveena! Mike, shame on you! MIKE: Nuveena was here? CROW: Never mind, they don't remember a thing! TOM: Oh, c'mon! Nuveena! She was immortal until we used Hypno-Helio-Stat- ic-Stasis! MIKE: YOU KILLED HER?! CROW: No, but now she can age normally again! JOEL: Excuse me, but what are you two talking about? TOM: Nuveena! She was, like-- JOEL: I know a couple of bots who need time outs! TOM: Oh, no! (Joel drags Tom and Crow off the bridge) MIKE (to Gypsy): Will they ever learn? T H E E N D PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS #110 -- Gamera Is Full Of Meat The Satellite Crew meets Gamera, the "Gamera Food Exchange" that is, when Joel and Mike eat some bad beef from the food supplies that the Dominion ship gave them. #201 -- COMING IN SEPTEMBER!!!! ***************************************************************************** * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead, is unintentional. * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 Best Brains Productions * * * * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1994 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures - "Design For Nightmares" - C 1994 * *****************************************************************************