Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show 107 Reel 1 "Torgo: Knees Of Fate" In the not too distant future, December of '95 Dr. Forrester saw no reason to keep Joel and Mike alive His experiments complete at last Severed ties with the satellite real fast It drifted off to an unknown place The Satellite Of Love was lost in space! Joel and Mike were frozen, for over 300 years The Satellite drifted all the way to the edge of the final frontier Now keep in mind the SOL was about to meet its end So a ship crew rescued Joel and Mike along with their robot friends. ROBOT ROLL CALL Cambot....Gypsy....Tom Servo....Croooow!! Now in a refitted SOL, they tour the Milky Way And think to yourself, "It's just a file," and let the story go where it may! On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!! (1..2..3..4..5..6..G) (Tom Servo and Crow seem to be arguing...) TOM: Well, that's fine and all, but I think that Star Wars had the better special effects, better actors, better writing, making for an all-around better movie. CROW: Oh yeah, well Trek had....uh....Nimoy! Yeah, that's it! TOM: Star Wars had James Earl Jones.... CROW: That doesn't count, he only did a voice! TOM: Exactly my point! They got him to appear as only the voice of a charac- ter! CROW: Oh, bite me! It's fun! (Joel walks in while Tom and Crow start to physically fight) JOEL: Hey! Hey guys, stop that! Now let's talk this out like the civilized lifeforms we are. CROW: He said Star Wars is better. TOM: And 'short-circuits-for-brains' actually thinks Trek is better. JOEL: The old Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate! I remember when I was in college and Star Wars was just getting popular, those debates went all through the school. Of course, everyone realizes now that the messages of peace and equality in Trek are just as important as the messages of revolution in Star Wars. (Mike enters) MIKE: Has anyone seen my collectors edition 'Space: 1999' mug? (Tom and Crow stare at him for a few seconds) CROW: Shall we? TOM: Be my guest! (Tom and Crow jump Mike and begin to fight with him) JOEL: I think I know a couple of bots who need time outs... (Joel grabs Crow and Tom and drags them off the bridge and into a small hall- way underneath it) JOEL: Now I want you guys to stay here until you both cool down. CROW (to Tom): Gumball-head! TOM (to Crow): Pin-face! JOEL: Now stop that! (Gypsy emerges from her room set behind one of the 4 doors in the hallway) GYPSY: Hi guys, what's up? JOEL: Oh hi Gypsy. Crow and Tom are being very bad bots! TOM (to Crow): Ping-pong eyes! CROW (to Tom): Barrel-belly! GYPSY: If you guys don't behave then you'll be sent to bed without RAM chips! CROW: You mean, not a one? GYPSY: Not a one! (Crow and Tom look at each other) CROW: Uh...we'll behave then! TOM: Yeah! You know, Crow, you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world! (silence....) JOEL: Crow, isn't there something you want to say to Tom? CROW: Uh....let's see..... JOEL: Crow... CROW: Um...what he said! TOM: It's hopeless, Joel, let's just go back upstairs (Tom, Joel, and Gypsy head back upstairs with Crow following close behind. Back on the bridge, Mike is telling Cambot about "Space: 1999") MIKE: ...and then the spacewarp came and shot the moon off again! (Cambot looks up and shakes his head. Joel and Co. enter) JOEL: I think everyone's back to normal now... CROW (whispering to Tom): Spring-arms! GYPSY (heard it): We can't take you guys anywhere! MAGIC VOICE: Now entering the Noor star system. JOEL: I heard this part of the Galaxy is really weird! MAGIC VOICE: Fuel level low. CROW: Heyyyy, I thought that Dominion ship gave us plenty of fuel TOM: You know, I thought so too! MIKE: Well, let's check.... TOM: But how? MIKE: Easy, we'll take a look at MST Adventures #101... (Mike takes out a red folder with the Gizmonics 'G' on it and pages through it) MIKE: Let's see.....nope, says here we got plenty of FOOD, but not fuel. JOEL: So how are we gonna fill up? (Gypsy notices a sign drifting in space) GYPSY: Hey guys, look out there! JOEL: Hey you guys, it's a sign! It says, "Gas Food Lodging turn left here" TOM: We're saved! (The SOL turns left at the sign and goes through a rather barren part of space. The space continues on like this for a long time) (15 minutes later) TOM: Guys, I hate to be a pessimist and all, but where is the Gas Food Lodging? I mean it's been 15 minutes and we haven't seen anything yet! MAGIC VOICE: 5 minutes to Empty Sign CROW: Nooo...we're gonna drift for another 380 years!! MIKE: No we're not! Look, there's the gas! (Everyone looks out the window and sees a somewhat decrepit looking building with gas pumps in front of it sitting atop an asteroid) (The SOL pulls up to the gas pumps...it can do so since the asteroid has no gravity) MIKE: So how do we fill 'er up? GYPSY: There's a bubble of oxygen surrounding this asteroid! JOEL: But no gravity. TOM: So what are we supposed to do? FLOAT out and fill the ship? MIKE: Yup! (Mike exits the SOL and floats out to the pumps. He looks at a sign posted on the pumps...) MIKE: 'No gas until April 5'. Bummer! (Mike re-enters the SOL) MIKE: Bad news, guys, there's no gas for the next 2 days! (A man exits the building next to the gas pumps and flags down the SOL crew) JOEL: What does he want? MIKE: Let's find out. (Joel, Mike, and the bots exit the SOL and they walk toward the man. He looks like a stereotypical California surfer dude) MAN: Dudes, need help? JOEL: Yeah, we have no more fuel and we need a nearby place to stay for the next 2 days until you get gas! MAN: Oh, dude, the gas! That's right! I ordered it late this week! Man, the boss was rather pissed! You can stay here until we get some. I'm sure the boss won't mind. MIKE: What's your name? MAN: Oh, yeah! My name's Joey, I take care of the place while the boss is away! The dude's split for now, but he'll be back like pronto! TOM (whispering to Joel): Joel, doesn't this seem just a bit TOO familiar? JOEL: I don't see what's wrong, this guy's offering us a place to stay. GYPSY: He's a nice man. (Joey walks up to Gypsy) JOEY: Whoa! You're like the prettiest robot I've ever seen! GYPSY: Th-Th-Thanks! JOEY: I'm sure the boss will like ya too! (To everyone): Don't just stand there, dudes, come on inside. I'll make ya some chicken wings! (All enter the building but Tom, who looks scared to enter...until a black labrador shows up and growls at him. He then hovers quickly inside) TOM: B-B-Big d-d-dog!!! JOEY: Oh, him? Dude, that's just 'Chopper'! He's our pet! CROW: 'Chopper'?? heehee.. 'Chopper, sic-- JOEL: Crow... CROW: You're no fun anymore! JOHN CLEESE: OK, OK....stop the story! I told you not to say th-- Wait, I'M in the wrong story! Carry on... (John Cleese disappears in a puff of chaos. Joey, Joel, Mike, and the bots look at each other, then to where Cleese was standing) TOM: Whatever.... JOEY: Well, dudes, I'm off to make the wings, be back later dudes! (Joey exits) GYPSY: Joel, what did he mean about his boss liking me? JOEL: He probably just meant that his boss should have no objection to you staying here. TOM: Oh, come on! Don't you get it yet?! He wants her to become his boss' slave wife! JOEL: I think I know a bot who needs a time out. TOM: NO! WAIT! I'm serious! Think about it! 'I take care of the place while the boss is away'? It's too much to be a coincidence! JOEY (yelling): Dudes, I brought in the dog and locked the doors to conserve heat. It gets to be like -200 F outside at night! (Cambot scans the front door...it is locked by remote control. He nods) TOM: WE'RE DOOMED!! MIKE: I don't get it, Tom, what is your fear of this place? TOM: You wouldn't know....you weren't on the ship yet! MIKE: Then tell me... TOM: Well, since you're the only one who's listening.... (Tom whispers into Mike's ear) MIKE: That wasn't too long before I got to the ship. 'Manos'....hmmmmm TOM: NOW do you see what I mean? MIKE: Don't worry, Tom! This guy works for a boss, not a master! TOM: Boss....master....is there really a difference? MIKE: I guess not. TOM: And remember that guy that almost took over Frank's job at Deep 13? MIKE: Yeah, his name was Torgo! TOM: HE was in the movie too! JOEL: What are you two talking about over there? MIKE: Oh, Tom was telling me about one of your experiments called 'Manos'. JOEL: Yeah, it was a pretty dull movie. JOEY (yelling): Wings are ready!! CROW: Last one to the table has to clean the Satellite for the next year with a greasy dishrag covered in gook! (While Crow said that, everyone else sat down to eat) CROW: Hey! No fair! (Crow sits down to eat) TOM: Hey, Crow, be sure to load your dishrag with plenty of gook! haha! CROW: Very funny....NOT! TOM: Hey, look on the bright side, Crow....(whispers) I found out where Mike hides the RAM chips! CROW (whispering): Where? TOM: Same place where they were hid last time! I guess Mike never counted on me looking in the same place twice! I put some in my rear compartment! CROW: How? TOM: Gypsy helped....now open up my back compartment... JOEL: Crow, Tom, what are you doing? CROW AND TOM: Nothing! JOEL: Oh, OK... (Crow opens up Tom's back compartment and takes a couple of RAM chips and crush- es them up over his wings. He then takes out the other two and crushes them up over HIS wings) TOM: OK...now-- WAIT!! CROW: What? TOM: You put all the RAM chips over YOUR wings! MIKE: Guys.... CROW: Great! We're busted! MIKE: What did I tell you...the RAM chips are off limits after what happened last time! JOEL (to Mike): What happened last time? MIKE: They found them from where you hid them and ate all that there were. Crow was retching for the remainder of the experiment! JOEY: Dudes, I know this may be like interesting to you, but it's really boring me out big time! Besides, I think the boss is on his way! GYPSY: Ooo, good, we get to see the owner! JOEY: The boss is here! MIKE (looks around): Where? JOEY: He, like, slipped in, dude! TOM: I don't like the sound of that! MIKE: Tom, there is nothing to worry about, OK? TOM: OK, but I still don't like the looks of this! GYPSY: It's getting pretty late. JOEL: Oh yeah, we need some sleep. Joey, do you have an extra bedroom, guest room, or anywhere else we can sleep? JOEY: Yeah! Go upstairs then like go two doors down then go in. Should be plenty of room, dude! (Joel, Mike, and the bots go upstairs into the bedroom with Tom screaming all the way. Joey then exits the kitchen downstairs into what looks like a sort of mauseoleum. He goes up to a man located downstairs) JOEY: Boss, dude, we like got some new guests MAN: Good...job....Jo..ey. I....will see them....in a few....minutes. (The man turns around to reveal that he is the infamous TORGO!! But he is dressed like the master from "Manos: Hands Of Fate". The haunting Torgo theme plays) JOEY: Dude, you gotta get some new music! TORGO: Do....you question....my ways? JOEY: No way, boss dude! (Torgo sneezes and wipes it on his cloak) JOEY: Dude, that's gross! TORGO: Leave....me now....at once! JOEY: Sure boss! (Joey goes back upstairs, then upstairs again to his bedroom, then falls asleep. Later that night, Torgo goes into the SOL crew's room. He approaches Gypsy) TORGO: So....pretty... (He raises a hand to feel the side of Gypsy's face) TORGO: So..-- (Suddenly, Cambot (who does not need sleep in any situation, no matter what the cost to-- TORGO: Just.....get on....with it.. (OK...well, anyway, Torgo, he gets in your face) TORGO: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!! (Cambot lets loose a siren that wakes everyone up) JOEL: Cambot, what's the big deal waking-- What? GYPSY: It can't be! CROW: Oh no it is! MIKE: It's-- SOL CREW: TORGO!!!!! TOM: I knew it! I knew it! You guys didn't want to believe me, but now we're doomed to-- HEY! Wait a minute, it's only Torgo! And I thought we were doomed. TORGO: You may.....address me as....'Master' JOEL: But you're not the master, at least not last time I knew! TOM: Yeah and, besides, how can you still be alive? TORGO: I am....the immortal....master now. You are.....to be my.....slaves! SOL CREW: AHHHHHH!!!!!!! GYPSY: Lets... JOEL: ...get out of.... TOM: ...here... CROW: ...like now!!! MIKE: Wait! We can't! the Satellite still needs gas! (Torgo evilly smiles. He raises his hands to the sky) TORGO: All....powerful Manos....I....need to....have these....robots....as my slaves....and the.....mortals....too TOM: Oh give me a break! (Crow hands a Kit-Kat to Tom) TOM: Not now, Crow!! CROW: Let's jump him....there are 6 of us and one of him! TOM: Uh, Crow, I can't jump....heh...no legs, you know! (Cambot shakes his head) (Torgo grabs Tom) TORGO: Now you....will all....be my slaves.....or I....take apart.....this one JOEL: Hey, Gypsy, what about that karate stuff you did a while back? GYPSY: Crow purged it from my memory! CROW: Uh..heh...it was an accident. She wanted me to purge 'Master Ninja 2' and I accidentally threw in some wild cards and.... JOEL: What did you purge? CROW: star-'ninja'-star MIKE: Great! Now how are we gonna save Tom? CROW: I know... (Crow bites Torgo on the knee. Torgo screams in pain and drops Tom) MIKE: Let's run for it! (The SOL crew quickly heads down the stairs into the kitchen. They hear the haunting Torgo theme) CROW: Joel, where is that music coming from? JOEL: I don't know... (Gypsy looks around and pinpoints where the music is coming from) GYPSY: It's coming from over here! (Everyone else goes over to Gypsy. There is a door leading further downstairs) MIKE: Let's go. (Torgo is just coming down from the bedroom stairs as the SOL crew heads down towards the 'mausoleum') TOM: Hey, look, not what I thought at all....it's empty! CROW: Yeah, where are all the babes? MIKE: Crow, remember, we're talking about TORGO, here! CROW: Oh, right! JOEL: Look, no altars, no pools of blood, just pillars. TORGO (from afar): I know....where you....are. I....will...find you! TOM: Great! We're trapped here! CROW: Look over here! (The SOL crew all look to see a boombox playing a CD of the Torgo theme) CROW: Die! Die! Die!! (Crow smashes up the boombox. Needless to say, the music ends) JOEL: Crow, You're gonna need a time out after we get back to the Satellite (Torgo comes down the stairs to the basement) JOEL: Let me handle this.... TORGO: I....have you.....now....you....will now be.....my slaves JOEL: Torgo, you're sad aren't you? CROW: What? TOM: Sshh... TORGO: What.....do you....mean? JOEL: I know how you must feel, with your pizza business and Deep 13 employ- ment going bust... MIKE: Yeah, there are people worse off than you. TORGO: I....don't care.....anymore.....I-- JOEL: But you DO care, don't you? (The bots realize what's happening now) GYPSY: You've never been noticed... TOM: And you WANT to be! MIKE: I know...your servant makes excellent wings... CROW: Yeah, they taste good with RAM chips, too! JOEL: Crow... MIKE: Anyway, you could open up a take out wings joint! TORGO: Really....you think.....it could.....work? JOEL: Like Kyle Reese said...."No fate but what you make for yourself" TOM: Uh, Joel, who's 'Kyle Reese'? JOEL: Oh, he was the freedom fighter on 'Terminator 1'. You know, the one who died at the end. TOM: Great! Now you spoiled it for me! JOEL: I thought everyone had seen that by now! TOM: Joel, think of where I have been since November 1988! JOEL: Right, Tom! Sorry TOM: Well, the guilt's on you, I hope you've learned your lesson! TORGO: You know.....it just.....may work. Oh Manos....you have....come through .....for....me again! CROW: That's nice and all but, the SOL still needs gas, and the gas isn't com- ing until tomorrow! TORGO: You.....are welcome.....to be my.....guests JOEL: Thank you, Torgo. You know, you're not really the evil immortal master everyone makes you out to be. TORGO: What.....was that? JOEL: Well, at least you're not evil. (The next day, there's a sign on the building now that reads 'Torgo's Hot Wings' A gas tanker ship pulls up to the asteroid) TANKER CAPTAIN: Gas delivery for a Mr. Togo! TORGO (outside): That's.....'Torgo' CAPTAIN (disgusted): Yeesh! (The tanker fills up the tanks and flies off. The SOL Crew exit the building) TORGO: Come back.....again....guys JOEY: Yeah, dudes, if you need some hot wings, we got the gnarliest wings this side of Noor! MIKE: Well, sounds nice, but we gotta go. JOEL: We have to make sure the bots are aligned properly. TOM: What? Aligned properly? What do we look like, cars? JOEL: Well, you must admit you all were pretty stressed recently! TOM: Uhhhhh....come on, guys, let's get back on the Satellite. (Joel, Mike, and the bots re-enter the SOL. Back on the bridge) TOM: Joel....Mike.....is it just me or was this the most boring, dull, adven- ture we ever had? MIKE: Oh I don't know, Tom. We've definitely seen some worse movies. TOM: Yeah, but-- Wait! Can I speak to the author? JOEL: I don't know....you can talk, but I don't know if he can answer. TOM: *ahem* Hey, author! Yeah, you! This is the dullest piece of bleep that you have ever written! (You see, I wanted to keep with the spirit of the original Manos movie) TOM: But this is MST ADVENTURES!! Note the last word please. (OK...you want adventure, you got it!) TOM: Good! (A fiery blast hits the SOL and shakes it violently, knocking Tom against the 'G' door, breaking him) JOEL: Oh no! Tom angered the author and he retaliated. Has he no soul?? (Joel frantically tries to put Tom back together, but cannot) JOEL: Come on, he didn't mean it (Joel puts Tom back together) TOM: Whoa, where am I (Tom's voice sounds different) CROW: Servo, you got a cold? TOM: No, wait...where am I? JOEL: You're on the Satellite Of Love TOM: Are you sure? I don't remember it looking like THIS! Come on! We gotta watch 'SST Death Flight' this week! MIKE: Joel, what's wrong? JOEL: Oh no, Tom thinks it's 1988 and his voice adjusted to accommodate! TOM (looking at Mike): Who are you? MIKE: Oh boy! T H E E N D ?? Will Tom Servo get his memory back? Will the SOL recover from the fiery blast? Will Torgo's new take-out service do well? Keep reading MST Adventures for more answers to these and other questions..... PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS #108 -- I'm Just Wild About Larry The Satellite crew finds Larry Erhardt, who escaped his "Earth vs. The Spider" fate in a time capsule he invented. He is running from Assembly officials who want him dead! #109 -- Design For Nightmares The Satellite crew travels to Nuveena's World, which has since fallen behind in technology and the inhabitants urge our travellers to help them to once again be at the forefront of technology! ***************************************************************************** * From: emiofbrie@earthlink.net * * * * Mortimer Gomez Addams (Always look on the bright side of DEATH!!) * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not intended * * for profit, but only for fun reading. Any similarity to real persons, * * living or dead, is unintentional. * * * * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson and * * Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1989, 1993 Best Brains Productions * * * * All other characters (except Torgo) created by Emi M. Briet -- * * Copyright 1994 * * * * Mystery Science Theater Adventures -- "Torgo: Knees Of Fate" -- C 1994 * *****************************************************************************