Path: nntp.earthlink.net!newsfeed1.earthlink.net!newsfeed.concentric.net!su-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!denver-news-feed1.bbnplanet.com!news.gtei.net!coop.net!cs.umd.edu!hecate.umd.edu!divot.eng.umd.edu!mpollack From: Melvin Harry Pollack Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc Subject: [MiSTing] MST Adventures 103 Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1999 16:41:59 -0400 Organization: University of Maryland, College Park Lines: 2413 Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: divot.eng.umd.edu Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII X-Sender: mpollack@divot.eng.umd.edu To: "Michael K. Neylon" Xref: nntp.earthlink.net rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc:302188 Welcome to MiSTing #7, and the sequel to the Non-Standard "Shadows in the MiST." This was shelved for a time, due to my work on a couple of group MiSTings, including the ever-popular "Stolen Memories." If you read one MiSTing this year, read that one. If you read two, you should read this one as well. Comments, as always, go to mpollack@glue.umd.edu. Era: VOY. Categories: [MST, VOY] Melvin "no .sig" Pollack Proudly resisting sig files since 1993. ------------------------------------------------------------------ [Fade in.] [Shot of "Captain Proton" scene. Torres watches the woman in the room scream, shakes her head, then knocks out the guard. Paris runs into the room.] Paris: All right, we've freed the captives. Let's move. Torres: I still don't get it? Why do you like this holovid? Woman: Captain Proton! My hero! Torres: Oh. Paris: It has nothing to do with that! It's a game. A way to shed aggression. We're supposed to be saving the Universe. Torres: We're supposed to be in color. Paris: Oh, that. That's just to give the vid a 50's movie feel. Torres: Uh, huh. Paris: Look, it's all about the thrill of the chase, and the chance to do battle. You know, like your religious services without the heart eating. Crankor: [Yes, that Crankor. Walks in.] So, Captain Proton! We meet again! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Torres: Shalom, Rabbi! Crankor: Huh? Er.... You're too late, Captain Proton. We have already sent the Eggs of Doom to capture the secret formula. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Torres: You couldn't have chosen a better opponent? Paris: He came with the pilot. Besides, he's rather standard for this series. Crankor: That's right. It's my way or the highway! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! What do you have to say about that, you scum? Torres: That's it! [Pushes Crankor down.] Crankor: What?!? A woman in a 50's style sci-fi movie that can actually do something? You really are scum! Just for that, I'll sick my giant on you. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Paris: Nice try. But you're no match for.... Captain Proton! Torres: [Looks out window.] Oh, Mister Proton. There's a large fire-breathing Ferengi standing outside our window. Paris: Uh, yes. He also came with the pilot. Kim: [Enters room, shoving Crankor out of the way.] Hey, Guys. How's her indoctrination to 20th Century Culture going? Paris: Same as usual. Kim: That bad, huh. Crankor: How dare you shove me! For that, I will call you scum and then laugh some more. Ha, ha, ha, ha.... Torres: [Rolls her eyes.] Computer, end program. Crankor: ....ha, ha, haaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [Screen changes back to familiar grid pattern.] Paris: And I was just going to defeat the giant with my spitball gun. Well, and with bribery. Kim: It's just as well. We've got a slight flicker on the energy grid, so I figured I'd better fix it. Probably a routine holodeck error. Torres: Or someone taking over the holodeck in order to kill us. Kim: Six of one, half dozen of the other. [Takes off panel and starts scanning.] Paris: Come on, Belanna. You can't jump to the worst possible conclusion just because it's already happened to us 75 times. What are the chances that yet another person has decided to take over the holodeck? Torres: Actually the same as the first occurence. Each holodeck problem is independent of the previous problems. Kim: Actually, I disagree with that. The Doc and I have proven that holodeck problems are dependent on both past and future events. Torres: You can't have something dependent on a future event! Kim: You can if you're a Physics major. Paris: The point is that there is *nobody* besides us in this holodeck. Okay? [A large disconnected head, grey and covered with pins, appears in the background.] Pinhead: All right. Paris: Thank you. All: [Longish pause and standard double take.] AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!! [Show very beginning of opening sequence, play first cords of Voyager Theme song, then switch to MST3K music.] Singer: In the not too distant network. Known as UPN TV. There was a rather strange sci-fi show With crewmen different from you and me. The possible dangers were all blown off. Just another harmless Star Trek spinoff. Certainly no culture harm to the race. 'Till some moron had a strange idea that rocked all Cyberspace! Melvin: I'll send them cheezy fanfics. From another TV show. (La, la, la.) They'll have to sit and read them all. Why they do, I don't quite know. (La, la, la.) Singer: Now keep in mind we can't control How these phenomenon begin or end. (La, la, la.) But at least sanity is a moot point. When you consider our Star Trek friends. Ten Hut! Character Roll call: Torres! (What's a fanfic?) Harry! (Ready for love!) Tom Paris! (Just like college!) Dooooccccc! (I'm not getting involved.) Now you may be wondering why Best Brains Doesn't chase us with an axe? (La, la, la.) But just say to yourself "The author's nuts. Now I can boot up and relax...." For Voyager Misting Theater 6000. (BOOM!) [Commercials.] [Shot of bridge.] Chakotay: Captain on the bridge. Janeway: Tuvok, report. Tuvok: Three crew members are trapped inside Holodeck 2. It would appear that a creature has taken over the area and is trying to access the ship's computer banks. Janeway: Well, here we go again. Intruder alert, try to contact the alien, yada, yada, yada. Pinhead: [Appears on screen.] Greetings, Captain. I suppose that you have contacted me to find out my demands for releasing your crew. Janeway: No, I'd like a Grilled Chicken sandwich, medium fries, large Coke and a McFlurry. Why else would I make this call? Chakotay: Gratuitous product placement. Janeway: Touche. [To Pinhead.] What is the status of my crew members? Pinhead: They have not been harmed. I will trade them for your Seven of Nine. Janeway: Is this an attempt to exact revenge for your harmed people by trying to kidnap our single Borg. Pinhead: Are you nuts? I'm asking for the major babe of your ship and you think I'm worrying about politics? Janeway: Sorry. I try not to notice these things. Anyway, I want you know that I do not negotiate with terrorists. Chakotay: Yeah we do. Janeway: Ssshhh! Chakotay: Er.... I mean, you're wasting your time. Yeah. Pinhead: I will contact you in fifteen minutes. I hope you have made up your mind by then. [Screen changes to star field.] Tuvok: Captain, may I point out that Chakotay and Pinhead have one obvious common characteristic. Chakotay: We do not. His tatoo doesn't look a thing like mine. [Fade to Holodeck.] Pinhead: While we are waiting, I have decided to torture you. Kim: What are you going to do. Pinhead: This. [Waves his hand, and a row of doors appears.] Torres: I don't understand, so it must be a danger. If you harm us.... Pinhead: Your fate is already determined. You will watch an installment of the low-budget cult show "Mystery Science Theater Adventures." The episode is called "The Dark Half" and guest stars Crow's evil brother. You will enter the theater. [Raises his hands and flames shoot out.] Now!!!! All: [Scream and run through the theater doors.] Pinhead: I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD! Torres: We've got spinoff sign! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > [All dive in, ducking on the floor. A stream of fire passes above them, then disappears. The scene is reminiscent of the climax in "Event Horizon."] Paris: Somewhat impatient, isn't he. > From gu093kmd@icsun.sunnet.ithaca.edu Tue Apr 19 23:55:05 1994 [All get into their seats.] Torres: About that Captain Proton. I still don't get it. It looks like a stupid and childish movie designed just so you can act silly and attract beautiful airheaded women. > Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 12:58:45 -0400 (EDT) Kim: So what part don't you understand? Paris: Ixnay! Ixnay! Kim: I mean.... Trust us, it's more deeply philosophical than that. > From: Addams Paris: [Uncle Fester] I've just decided to start a bombs for hire business. Kim: [Gomez Addams] Capital idea. Torres: [Morticia] The possibility of seeing more MST3K spinoff series. That's marvelous. > sunnet.ithaca.edu> All: [Singing] Here comes the sun. It's all right. > To: jdfalk@cais.com > Paris: [Columbo] One last thing, sir. We noticed that you received a fanfic from the victim. Why would he send you one? Kim: [Obviously guilty character.] I don't know. I think he was caising my house. Paris: [Columbo] Well, thank you for your time, sir. I'll sneak up on you with another strange question about an hour from now. Will that be convenient for you? > Mystery Science Theater Adventures Show All: Us the Money! > 103 Reel 1 Torres: Capitals 0. > "The Dark Half" Kim: Why we love them. > > In the not too distant future, December Paris: 1963. > of '95 Torres: Isn't that the rather distant past? > Dr. Forrester saw no reason to keep Joel and Mike alive Kim: [Dr F] Damn tax changes. I can no longer claim them as dependents. > His experiments complete at last Kim: They actually found a movie capable of destroying the wills of every human and driving them beyond the edge of insanity? Paris: Yep. "Star Trek: The Motion Picture." Torres: You still haven't told me what a Star Trek is. Boys: Later. > Severed ties with the satellite real fast Paris: [Clinton] I did not have sexual relations with that satellite. Torres: Tom! No! > It drifted off to an unknown place Kim: [SOL] Sorry, I can't concentrate today. You were saying? > The Satellite Of Love was lost in space! > Paris: Danger, Will Robinson. Torres: We know the feeling. Kim: On a different note, wouldn't "Satellite of Love" be a good name for a rock band? > Joel and Mike were frozen, Torres: Using Ziploc bags to avoid Freezer burn. Paris: Oh. Just like Walt Disney. > for over 300 years All: La, la, la. > The Satellite drifted all the way All: [Singing] They call me the Wanderer. I get around, around, around, around.... > to the edge of the final frontier Paris: Where they found God and vowed never to let William Shatner direct again. Torres: Who? Kim: We'll also explain William Shatner later. > Now keep in mind the SOL was about to meet its end Torres: I know who Shatner is. But who's God? Paris: Wait a second. [To screen] The result of chasing its tail. [To Torres] You were saying. Kim: It's related to the fact that humans on this ship haven't mentioned religion before. > So a ship crew Kim: Any old ship crew. Let's be relaxed about it. > rescued Joel and Mike along with their robot friends. > > ROBOT ROLL CALL > Cambot.... Kim: [Costello] Hey Cambot! > Gypsy.... Torres: They have Romanians? > Tom Servo.... Paris: Hi, I'm Tom, and I'll be your waiter tonight. > Croooow!! All: Well, the last time we went fishing.... > > Now in a refitted SOL, Paris: [Cochran] If it doesn't refit, you must acquit. > they tour the Milky Way Torres: And on your left, you can see Caramel. All: Oooohhhh. Aaaahhhhh. > And think to yourself, "It's just a file," Kim: It's an X-File. Torres: Why it exists, you mean. > and let the story go where it may! Paris: May I make a suggestion? > > On MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER ADVENTURES!!!! Torres: Not available in some stores. Prices may vary. Check your local area for details. > > (the 7 doors close -- Cambot is playing hide-and-seek with Crow and > Servo) Kim: So.... Cambot, the camera control AI, is simultaneously filming them AND playing hide-and-seek with them. > > TOM: Oh, Crow, what's the use? Paris: We can never fulfill our love.... Torres: TOM! NO! Paris: Of butter. Kim: TOM! NO! Now I'll never get that Fabio commercial out of my head. > We've hidden from Cambot 12 times > already and he's always managed to find us within 2 minutes! Kim: [Crow] Do you think the fact that he's filming us has anything to do with it? Torres: [Crow] I wonder why he was so insistent on being "it." Paris: [Crow] Well, I doubled the bet. We should be able to win our money back now. > > CROW: Well, maybe if there were more places to hide around here we Paris: [Crow] could get lost and starve. He'd never find us then. > could evade him! I know! Torres: [Crow] Rutherford really DID discover that an atom is mostly empty space. Kim: [Sigh] The dangers of letting an Engineer attempt comedy. > We could hide down in the cargo hold. Paris: With our goose feathers, we can corner the black market. Get it. 'Cause it's down, and they're.... Torres: Do we have any more "Torgo's White Syndrome" virus samples. Kim: Just be thankful he didn't make an "Australia" joke. > > (Tom and Crow go down All: [Singing] To Egypt land. Tell ol' Pharoah. Let my people go. > into the Kim: Breach. Torres: Once more? > cargo hold, Torres: [WWF Announcer] But DDP reverses it and... What's this? IT'S THE DIAMOND CUTTER!!!! Whew, I bet that hurt. > which is full of Torres: Do you think we're breaking into these sentences too often? Kim: Nah, it's all in fun. Paris: Besides, what's Pinhead gonna do? Claim we suffer from a syndrome? > food, old > cheese, Kim: Wouldn't that count as food? Paris: Well, they didn't specify the age. All: EEEEWWWW!!! > old Servo heads, and CAMBOT!!!!) Paris: LIVE AND UNPLUGGED!!!!!! > > TOM & CROW: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! > Torres: [Cambot] Yeah, I'd like to see how YOU look in the morning. > (Cambot turns his attention over to the small window in the cargo hold Kim: [Cambot, as W.C. Fields] Go away, you bother me. > and indicates that Tom and Servo take a look) Paris: If it's the USS Enterprise, I'm leaving. > > CROW (going to window): What is it? Torres: At that moment, Cambot, having snapped from watching 10 years of bad movies without the ability to comment on them, opened the window and watched as they were sucked out into the endless void. Paris: Feeling dark, honey? Torres: You say that like it's a bad thing. > > (The bots see a small spacepod with the Gizmonics "G" logo on it) > > TOM: What is it? Kim: Can we do the same jokes that we did in "Shadows in the MiST?" Torres: Sorry. Only original jokes and shameless plugs. Paris: Tsk. And after all the pressure to recycle, too. > > CROW: I asked you first. Paris: [Tom, whiny kid] I asked you second. > > TOM: Well I asked you second. All: Huh? Kim: [Crow] Well, you're a dweeb. Paris: [Tom] Am not. Kim: [Crow] Are too. Paris: [Tom] Am not, am not, am not. Torres: All right, you two. That's enough. Boys: Aw, man. > And 2 is a larger number than 1! Kim: [Tom] Of course, my logic circuits predict that you would have no idea what it is seeing as how you asked me. But what the hell.... Paris: [Singing] 1 can make a broken heartache. Torres: [Singing] 2 can make a memory. > > CROW: Well, I don't know what it is, but it looks like it came from > Deep 13. All: [Singing] It takes 2 baby. It takes 2 baby. Me and you. Just takes 2. > > TOM: I'll go get Joel and Mike Paris: They'll know if it came from [booming dramatic voice] The Deep! > > (The bots exit Kim: stage right. > the cargo hold and see Joel already on the "bridge") Torres: Really? How does he get it in his mouth? > > TOM: Joel, you wouldn't believe what we've just seen! Paris: [Tom] Chakotay naked. Kim: [Crow] Please kill us. If you believe in God.... Chakotay: [v.o.] I heard that. Torres: Nice going, you two. > > JOEL: I know...there's a Gizmonics pod out there. Torres: WRONG! It's a Deep 13 pod, but thanks for playing. > But I wonder how Kim: Many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. > long it's been out there! > > GYPSY: Probably as long as we were! Maybe longer! Paris: [Joel] Yikes! Don't teleport next to me like that. Torres: [Gypsy] Sorry. [under breath] Wimp. > > (Mike enters the "bridge" Kim: Why do they keep putting bridge in quotation marks? Torres: Well, it's a satellite. So it's really OPS. Paris: It would appear that SOMEONE would rather be on a starship. > and sees the hexviewer on. Paris: [Mike] All right. Who left the TV on? Do you think electricity grows on trees? > It shows the pod) Torres: Slowly, it would begin replacing them with clones. > > MIKE: Hey! That looks like the same kind of pod that brought me to the > Satellite of Love. Kim: [Mike] It swore that we would be together forever and that I could find a job here. > > GYPSY: Should I port it on board? > > JOEL: I don't see why not. Paris: [Joel] Sure, it could contain nuclear waste, diseases that our transporters can't detect, or some other danger. But who cares as long as we're Ben Murphy mellow. > You know, it IS a link to our past. Torres: A missing link? I don't like the sound of that. > Remember the old days when we would watch cheesy movies and... > > TOM: Please, Joel, don't remind us! Kim: [Joel, whispering] Those were the days I gave Tom his worm medicine. Paris: [Joel, whispering] I just hid it in his food. > > (Gypsy ports the pod aboard the SOL) All: [Make transporter noises.] > > MIKE: This pod must have been launched before I got here. Torres: [Gypsy] Let me see. Says here "This pod launched before Mike got here." Well, I'll be darned. > Notice it > says "Gizmonics" and not "Deep 13" Kim: [Mike] Now, class. What can we conclude from this? Paris: That Dr Forrester wasn't going to spend money just to repaint a disposable transport pod? Kim: [Mike] Uh, yeah. > > (Joel sees a note on the pod... Torres: Baby on board. > not aged since there is no atmosphere in > space) > Paris: No wonder the young kids keep leaving for the major cities. Kim: Wait a second. Wouldn't a paper note burn up when launched from Earth? Torres: Forget it.... Kim: I mean, they spent that much time to establish a scientific principle.... Torres: Just relax, Harry. Breathe. > JOEL: It says, "Contained within is the most vile item of all creation. > Keep on ice," Kim: Vile creatures are best served chilled. Paris: You can also use them as a dessert topping. Torres: Just stir thoroughly, while slowly adding nuts and cinammon. > and it's signed by Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank. > > MIKE: Signed by the mads? Paris: What, me worry? Torres: So, any guesses as to what's inside? Kim: Jerry Springer. > Maybe it's one of their inventions gone > awry! Torres: I was thinking Microsoft Products. Paris: Or Disney Movies. Kim: Bananas in Pajamas. > > GYPSY: Maybe it's a horrible creature! Kim: Jerry Fallwell. Torres: Phyllis Schaffely. Paris: Linda Tripp. > > CROW: Maybe it's Manos: The Hands Of Fate! Paris: Pat Robertson. Kim: Gary Coleman. Torres: Marylin Manson. > > TOM: Maybe it's Spam! All: Survey Says! > > JOEL: Servo....Spam?? Paris: [Tom] It was just a simple "make money fast" chain letter. I tried to resist, but it seemed so harmless.... > > TOM: Well, you must admit, it's pretty vile. Kim: That clicking sound you hear is hundreds of Hormel lawyers rushing to sue the author and protect the good name of Spam. > > GYPSY: Hey, guys, there's a planet up ahead! Torres: [Gypsy] That has absolutely nothing to do with this conversation and really doesn't tell you anything, but I was getting bored of discussing the merits of Spam. > > (Mike turns on the hexviewer and planet Pinkus-VII appears) Paris: Home of the Brave and the Communist. Torres: [Gypsy] The planet in front of us is Endor, so I don't understand why we're looking at Pinkus-VII. Kim: [Joel] Well, I thought the "Pinkus-VII" wallpaper and screen saver was kind of cool, so I downloaded it. > > JOEL (to planet authorities): This is Joel Robinson, Kim: And I'm lost in space. > head of the > Satellite Of Love, Torres: [Planet Authorities] That's nice. Can we speak to its liver? > requesting permission to orbit. Paris: [Joel] No, I don't have a security clearance. I'm here to speak to Lando Calrissian.... > > AUTHORITIES (over radio): All: We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Paris: [Joel] Oops. Torres: [Crow] Oh, nice going, Mike. Kim: [Mike] Hey! Paris: The "Star Trek meets the Three Little Pigs" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > Permission granted. > Kim: We have no idea who you are, and you may be Capitalist scum. Sure, come on over. > JOEL: What say we take a little vacation on Pinkus? Paris: [Crow] Let me guess. We're too cheap to go to Disney World. > > GYPSY: I guess I have to stay behind as usual, right? Torres: [Gypsy] Seeing as how I'm a box connected to the satellite and my control computer is tied into the "bridge" AI. > > MIKE: No.....Gypsy, I'll stay aboard, you have fun for a change. Paris: [Mike] Break out the bolt cutters, guys! All: Yay! All right! > > GYPSY: OK, are you sure you can handle it? Torres: [Gypsy] The Sicilian Pizza is like nothing you've ever tasted. > > MIKE: Don't worry...I've been on this ship for over two years and... Kim: [Mike] Uh, could you move that cue card up a little. Thanks. > > TOM: You've been here longer than that! Remember you were-- > > MIKE: Okay, SUBJECTIVELY two years, Paris: [Mike] And I thought I told you never to talk about that time I was called Bridget. > and I think I know by now how the > ship works! Kim: [Mike] Uh, there aren't any Hubble telescopes orbiting the planet, are there? Paris: [Mike] Hey, that was just one time! > > (Gypsy pilots the ship to orbit Torres: Welcome to Orbit. Our special is Supernova Chili, and it's out of this galaxy. Can I take your order? > and then all but Mike and Cambot port to > the planet. Kim: It took forever, since they had to beam down one at a time. Paris: One at a time? Kim: Serial port. All: [groan] > Mike takes a look at the Gizmonics pod) Paris: [Mike] Man, that is an ugly color. Torres: So, how long do you think it will take for Mike to get bored and decide to open the sinister canister. Kim: At least two hours. > > MIKE: Okay, let's see what the mads couldn't take! Kim: Damn. Forgot to carry the one. > > (Mike opens the pod and sees what looks like a copy of Crow, colored > black, and frozen) Paris: [Mike] AUGH! A prototype frozen dinner! Back, foul fiend! > > MIKE: It looks like Crow.... Torres: [Elaine] So you don't think it's strange that George is dating a woman that looks just like Jerry? > this must be some kind of prototype or > something. But I thought Joel created all the bots..... Paris: [Mike] Hey, maybe I can place my tongue on it and see if it really freezes. > > (Mike sets the controls in the pod to "thaw". Cambot starts to shake) > Torres: [Director] Damn it! I told you we shouldn't film this on the San Andreas Fault Line! Kim: [Mike] While we're waiting, I'm going to touch this bench with a "Wet Paint" sign on it. > > Scene II : All: Electric Boogaloo! > The planet Pinkus-VII > Joel and the bots are in a town square. Joel has a tourist's guide. > Paris: [Joel] I'm holding him for ransom. Send over 100 billion dollars or he'll never show the Grand Canyon to anyone else again. > JOEL: And it says here that this structure was built to defend the town > against enemy forces. Kim: If he falls into the building and decides he's Kirok, I'm leaving. > > TOM: Just looks like a hot-dog stand to me. (Joking) I'd like a dog > with all the trimmings please? Paris: [Tom] No, on second thought, I've gotta watch the weight. > > (A man pops out from behind a window in the structure Torres: [man] Who rang that bell?!? > and hands Tom a > hot dog with all the trimmings) > Kim: [man] Maybe I should be more assertive next time. That's the last time I'm giving anyone MY lunch. > JOEL: Well I'll be! It IS a hot-dog stand! > Paris: [Joel] Of course! Enemies see the hot dog stand, think they're near a baseball field, decide there's no place to park, and leave to invade someplace else! It all makes sense! > GYPSY: Then in that case, I'll have a diet soda. Got to watch my > figure, you know! Torres: It's not a sci-fi show without at least ONE caricature that demeans women. > > CROW: Gypsy, you're a robot, your figure doesn't change! > > GYPSY: That's all right...I drink it just for the taste of it! Paris: [sarcastically] Sure. And I drink beer for the choice hops. > > (The man gives Gypsy a diet soda) Kim: [man] This time, I'm definitely asking for money. Uh, sirs.... Torres: The perfect Communistic society. Money doesn't exist. Paris: I think we're treading dangerous waters there. > > JOEL: I'm willing to bet Mike is just kicking himself in the head right > now! Paris: [Joel] That hippie and his damn Yoga classes! > This place has a lot of history in it....The Butter Museum, Torres: Personally, I'd stay at least 100 miles away from any "Butter Museum" with a lot of history. > Chocolate Lake, Candy Mountain... Kim: [Joel] Insulin valley.... > > CROW: Sounds like Super Mario World to me > Kim: [Joel] Oh, you're just bitter because some mushroom stole your wallet. > TOM: Yeah, except Super Mario World's not so cheesy! Paris: [Tom] So, just remove the Butter Museum and we're there. > > JOEL: Now come on you guys, you can learn a lot from All: A dummy! > this place. Torres: The engineering required to build a sugar world has been lost for centuries, thanks to the "Dentist Crusades." > According to the guide, this is what Earth was like in the 22nd century. > Kim: [Red Shirt] Captain! I'm drowning in quicksugar! > (Tom hovers over to the other side of the street where the sidewalk is > littered with numerous frown faces and names underneath them) > > TOM: I've never seen anything like this on Earth! Paris: [Tom] Vandilism was eliminated long before our time. > > JOEL: Oh, that's the South Pinkus Street Walk Of Shame. It tells the > names of people from all histories who did incredibly stupid things. Torres: Hey, look! Melvin Pollack netted one for "Shadow Stepping!" > > (Crow looks at one of them....everyone else joins him) Kim: [Kirk] Will you guys spread out? You look like a cadet revue. Paris: [Joel] Is there any way we can look more touristy? Besides shorting out the robots' fashion circuitry. > > CROW: Check it out....Ross Perot made the walk of shame! Paris: [Crow] So THAT'S how the aliens disrupted his daughter's wedding. > > TOM: Yeah! "Indecisive politicking" Torres: He got 19 percent of the vote in the '92 election. Then he followed up by getting people to send him money! Geez, what a moron! > > GYPSY: Look at this one! Timothy Van Patten?? > > JOEL: I believe it...after all, he did agree to do the "Master Ninja" > series. Kim: So the Pinkus aliens are not only couch potatoes with vast knowledge of 20th Century Earth, but also the most unforgiving beings in the universe. > All: Meanwhile.... > (back at the Satellite. Paris: [Mike] I can't pay the rent. I spent it for a Brooklyn bridge. > The strange robot is thawed. Mike is reading a > book on Crow. Kim: [Mike, reading] It was then that I had to fight off the dozen Sweedish Bikini Babes.... [shakes head] That's the last time I let Crow write an "unauthorized" autobiography. > Cambot is still shaking but Mike does not see him) Torres: [Cambot] Great! I'm suffering from epilepsy and nobody cares. > > MIKE: Funny, Paris: [Mike] I know I left my glasses somewhere. > there's no mention of a prototype here. I wonder what > this was. Kim: [Mike] I suppose that I could use Magic Voice to study the memory core.... > > (Mike switches the robot on) Kim: [Mike] Or I could do the obvious. > > MIKE: Hello? Torres: [Timmy] Your call is important to us.... > > (The robot gets up and goes to the SOL's controls) Paris: So he has no social capabilities and immediately moves to the nearest computer for no particular reason. My God! He resurrected an Engineer! Boys: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Torres: Yeah! Try resurrecting me from my headache within the next month. [sarcastically] Honey. > > MIKE: I don't think you want to touch those...Gypsy specially > calibrated those to work while she's away. > > (The robot ignores Mike and presses a few buttons... Kim: [Robot] So, Mike. I understand you have an interesting dating history.... > the Satellite moves > out of orbit!) > > MIKE: Hey you-- Paris: GUYS! All: [Singing] I'm gonna turn you on! I'm gonna give you the power! > > (The robot throws Mike and Cambot against door 7. Cambot is damaged) All: [Laugh hysterically.] Torres: So a robot the size and flimsy plastic of Crow can throw a 150 pound man to the ground? Paris: [Mike] D'oh! He knows movie karate. Now I'll have to spend my life savings on a ninjitsu class. Kim: [Cambot] First, my epilepsy attack. Then I'm smashed by this oafish human. No wonder I can't get insurance. > > MIKE: WHO ARE YOU???!!!!!! Paris: I'm Batman. Torres: I'm your worst nightmare. Kim: I am the terror that flaps in the night. > Torres: And on that scintilating cliffhanger, we leave. [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Pinhead: Well? Where's my negotiator? I will discuss terms.... [Takes out a large butcher knife.] Or there will be trouble. Doc: [Appears next to Pinhead.] I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Pinhead: Why not? Doc: [takes knife away from him] You're supposed to hold it like this. [Waves it near Torres' face.] See how easy it is to handle a knife when you have the right grip. Pinhead: Hey, yeah! Thanks. Doc: [hands knife back] You know, I keep having to show villains how to hold a knife. You guys should hold training seminars. Torres: Excuse me? Can we get back to the manner at hand? Pinhead: Uh, yes! Of course. Who are you? What's your name? Kim: He's been trying to figure that out for months. Paris: I really think he should have gone with Zimmerman. Doc: Well, I'm picky. Anyway, I'm the man sent in to negotiate. I'm really just a country doctor, but I study negotiating techniques between Opera classes. I've really gotten good at both.... Pinhead: [to group] I'm thinking of terminating this holo program. What's your position? Torres: I'll give you my house if you do. Doc: What?!? Torres: Don't worry. He won't take it. Have you ever seen my house? Paris: Hey, Doc. How about some exposition on the story we're reading? Kim: Yeah. This doesn't quite fit the space baby - time warp - castle plot line I seem to remember. Doc: Please. I'm a Doctor, not a Cliff Note. Kim: You're not an Opera singer, either. I've heard you. Doc: Touche. Very well. [Waves hand to produce "Observer" noise.] Yes, the series starts off with Joel and Mike joining forces.... And then Dr. Forrester runs out of bad movies in 1995. Paris: The same time as Hollywood's destruction in World War III? Torres: Guys, this is a parallel universe story. Obviously, the Government stopped funding on bad movies by repealing the NEA. Kim: I think Quinn stole his video rental card. Doc: As I was saying.... They launched the SOL into orbit, the humans went into hibernation for 300 years.... And they woke up to join the Dominion. Torres: [After long pause.] So our heroes work for the Changelings? Paris: I'm so disillusioned. Kim: They did it for money, didn't they. Pinhead: Hey, can we get back to my needs? Like to get lucky? Don't forget that I can cause you pain, too, light boy. Doc: Oh, really. I'd like to see that trick. Pinhead: [Makes cutting motion with hand.] Oh, no. I cut myself. Now I'll need expensive surgery. [Grins evilly.] Too bad I don't have insurance. Doc: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Ship shot. Pinhead's laughter and Doc's screaming can be heard.] [Commercials] [Ship shot. Then shot of holodeck.] Doc: I never thought I could be in such pain. The thought of those lost dollars.... Torres: Hey, what about my pain? You know that when I see blood, half of me gets queasy and the other half gets hungry. Pinhead: About my Seven of Nine.... Doc: Don't worry. We'll get her. You just have to wait for the rest of the hour, giving us ample time to learn how to stop you. Pinhead: Sounds reasonable. All right, I accept. Doc: In the meantime, I believe the rest of you have an assignment. Paris: You don't mean.... Kim: Uh, can't you wave that knife at me some more? Maybe cut an aorta or two. Torres: Save it, guys. We've got fanfic sign!!!!!!!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > (Back on the planet....) > [All walk in.] Kim: Well, Doc's no Henry Kissinger. > GYPSY: Oh no! Oh no! Paris: I think he did a good job. > > JOEL: What is it, Gypsy? Torres: [Gypsy] I forgot where we parked! > > GYPSY: I lost my link to the Satellite! Kim: Well, where did you last leave it? > > TOM: Why do I get the feeling that we're in big trouble? Paris: That giant army of mutant spiders coming straight for us? All: Naaaaahhhh! > > CROW: Maybe because we are! Torres: [Spock] Simple logic, Captain. > > JOEL: Now don't panic, guys, Kim: I've got my Hitchhiker's Guide, and Pinkus is classified as mostly harmless. Paris: Oh, just like 20th century Earth. All: We're doomed. > maybe Mike just hit a button or something. Paris: [Joel] We left a clueless, untrained moron to operate a complex transport. What's there to get excited about? > Let me see that communicator, Tom. Torres: What communicator? Paris: [Joel] Uh.... Every crew member was assigned a communicator and a phaser before beam down. Yeah, that's it. Use the "Star Trek IV" route. Torres: What's a... Boys: LATER! > > (Tom gives Joel the communicator) > > JOEL (into communicator): Hey, Mike, what's up in there? Kim: [Joel] How's it shaking? You down with OPP? > > (silence) > > JOEL: Mike? > > (silence) Paris: [Mike] I'm not talking to him until he apologizes for that crack about my kicking myself. > > TOM: I knew it! We're all doomed! Torres: [Tom] If Mike isn't constantly chattering, he must be... dead! > > JOEL: Don't panic. Kim: [Joel, panicky] Everybody try to remain calm! > We'll just go to the customs office and see if the > Satellite is still in one piece, OK? All: Huh? Paris: [Joel] Damn it. I'll bet Mike tried to smuggle fruit onto the satellite. It'll be impounded, and we'll have to bail it out.... > > (Joel and the bots go to the local customs office) > > JOEL: Hello, I'm Joel Robinson, and-- Paris: I'm sorry. You'll have to visit seven departments before you can speak to a living being. > > CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: huh? Torres: [Official] You'll have to speak louder, sonny! > Our readings say you left about 10 minutes ago! Kim: Time out. Does the author know what a customs office is? Paris: Well.... Kim: Attention, author! A customs office makes sure things do not get smuggled in and out! It is not an airport! It is not an embassy! It is not a radar control tower! Torres: Well, maybe it's an alien customs office, and they've centralized. Kim: Oh. Never mind, then. > > JOEL: Why do you say that? Torres: [Official] I don't know. I just felt like it. > > OFFICIAL: Your ship broke orbit. Kim: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? > > GYPSY: Oh NO!! > > CROW: I knew it, I knew it! We'll never see Mike or Cambot again!! Paris: [Crow] YES! I get my own room! > (cries) > > JOEL: Well, where can we rent a ship to find ours? > > OFFICIAL: Right over there (points to a "Pinkus Pods" sign) Torres: Isn't that conveeeeeeeeeeeenient! Kim: So, a dealership springs up next to a building that regularly impounds spaceships used in illegal acts. Paris: Location, location, location. Oh, and a few bribes never hurt. > > (Joel and the bots go to Pinkus Pods) > > SALESMAN: May I help you? Kim: [Jack Benny] I'd like to see a suit that makes me look younger. Paris: [Salesman] So would I. Kim: Now cut that out! > > JOEL: We'd like to rent a pod. > > SALESMAN: Well, you came to the right place. Paris: [Salesman] Most people go to the ice cream parlor one block down. > I can let you rent this > one. It's a '68 Bria Madara with all the fixins. Torres: All the fixins? Kim: Maybe that's the alien term for horsepower. > And it comes to > you at the low price of 15 credits per day plus mileage! > > JOEL: Well..... Kim: [Joel] Could you tell me what that is in dollars? Or give me some info I can actually use? > > TOM: We'll take it! If we have to find Mike, why not do it with some > style! Paris: [Tom] Of course, I have no idea what it looks like, and it could be the Volkswagon of this quadrant, but the name is so cool! Kim: [Joel] Well, maybe he has a '57 Colbia Gorgo. Torres: [Salesman] Well, if you're gonna take her into battle, I reckon I should mention the collision insurance.... > > (Joel and the bots get into the pod and take off) > > CROW: ...hoser! All: Huh? Kim: Isn't that Alfalfa's friend? Torres: The author probably meant hosiery. Paris: [Salesman] All right! I'll rent it for 5 credits a day! Just don't take off your dresses! Please! > > JOEL: What was that? Torres: The author's attempt to provide humor through implied cross-dressing. Pay no attention. > > CROW: Oh, I was just commenting on the narrator's line. I guess old > habits are hard to break! Kim: [Crow] Bad spellings, unfunny comments, breaking the fourth wall, hearing voices in my head.... Once you get into a rut, it's hard to get out. > > TOM: You know what's really sad, I actually miss the old days! > Paris: Back when we were funny, and people watched our show, and a movie cost 25 cents but we saw it for free.... > JOEL: Well, we have to find Mike right now. > > GYPSY: Let's Goooooo! Torres: Go, go, Power Rangers! Boys: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! > > (shot of the pod leaving) > > (meanwhile, back on the SOL, Mike, holding Cambot, is huddled in a > corner while the robot steers the ship) Kim: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. > > MIKE (whispering): Oh, Cambot, this robot has hijacked us and we have > no way of contacting Joel or fixing you!! Torres: Wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do? Paris: Frankly, Mike Dear, I don't give a damn. > Wait a minute...I have > a plan.... Paris: [Mike] I'll send this Make Money Fast post to all five of my friends.... > > (Mike stealthily enters the hall with Cambot. They are now betwen doors > 6 and 5) > > MIKE: I know I put an emergency repair kit somewhere in here. Torres: Here it is. [Holds up a bottle and pretends to drink from it.] That's [hic] better. Now for Cambot. > > (Mike searches the walls and finds a small black box) > > MIKE: Here it is....I'll have you fixed up in no time, Cambot! All: SHAZAM!!! > > (Mike tinkers with Cambot for a few minutes, then switches him back on. > Cambot resumes shaking) Kim: [Mike] Whoops, I turned him into a pager with vibrate mode only. Hey, I got a call from Best Brains! > > MIKE: Whoa! What is it, Cambot? Paris: Is Timmy stuck in the well again? Go get him, boy! > > (Cambot enters door 5 and signals Mike to follow. Cambot motions to the > drawbridge (door 4)) > > MIKE: You want me to lift this or something? Torres: [Cambot] Actually, I want you to do the honorable thing and drown yourself. *What were you thinking, Moron?!?* > > (Cambot nods...Mike lifts door 4. There is a small computer panel > there. Kim: [Mike] Cool. Now I can check my e-mail. > Cambot sends a signal which closes doors 5-7) Kim: [Mike, reading] Here is the file you requested. Don't show it to anyone. :-) > > MIKE: Of course, so the robot won't know what we're doing if he looks. Paris: [Timmy] Hhm, I wonder if it was a good idea to let my hostages wander around the space station and find a way to deactivate me. Torres: Maybe Timmy was reprogrammed by sentient lemmings. All he can think about is crashing into a giant lake. > This looks like a communications station! And a monitor! Torres: And is that.... My God! It *IS* a keyboard! Paris: So, there's a secret computer that even Mike doesn't know about. Kim: Well, Cambot needs a hobby in between "Hide and Seek" fleecing sessions. > Cambot, > hook to the monitor! All: Get the hook up! > > (Cambot does so) > > CROW: No he does not. Paris: Thanks for clearing that up. *Make up your mind!* Kim: [Author] Fine! You can write this story! Torres: All this just to find out Mike wants to telecommute. > > (Shut up, Crow!!......back to the story...) Torres: Don't hurry on our account. > > (Cambot shows a series of images.... Kim: [Mike] Hhm. Well, that one looks like a spider on a bicycle. > Joel's first encounter with the > robot) Paris: [Joel] I did not have improper.... Torres: You even think the rest of that joke and you can WALK back home. > > MIKE: So Crow took this robot, called Timmy, into his heart and it > turned out to be some kind of dark spectre, so Joel jettisoned it! Kim: [Mike] And because of his laziness, we now find ourselves in a "Dark Crystal" crossover. Good one, Joel. > > (Cambot nods) Torres: Or we had another earthquake. It really doesn't matter anymore. > > MIKE: So I conjecture that it made its way to Deep 13, caused havok, > and was shot into space. Paris: [Mike] They sent it cheezy movies, and Timmy couldn't riff because of his permanent mute status. No wonder he wants to crash into a lake. > Well, Dr. F and Frank were sure > consistant, I'll say that much! Let's see if we can call Joel. > > (Mike pushes some buttons) Torres: [Slutty voice] Thank you for calling the Sci-Fi slit channel. We'd like to welcome you to *Our Edge.* Kim: [Mike] Well, it's not Joel, but we can try pressing random numbers a half hour later. Paris: [Cambot] Well, uh.... I'm offended by phone sex. That's why I'm recording this. For research. Yeah, that's the ticket. > > (back on the pod...A yellow light glows on Tom's chest) Kim: E.T. in a role you won't believe. > > TOM: What's this? Commercial sign? > Paris: Good idea. [All exit the theater.] 7of9: May I come in, Captain? Janeway: Yes, of course. Have a seat. I assume that you've been briefed on our current situation. 7of9: Yes, Captain. There is a man wishing to engage in cohabitation experiments. Janeway: In a nutshell. And thanks for reminding me to never discuss romantic relations with you. 7of9: Captain, I am willing to be traded. It is a simple matter of the means of the many.... Janeway: Yes, I know. But I don't subscribe to that policy. 7of9: We noticed. Janeway: Besides, if we just give him what he wants, there's no guarantee that he'll free our people. And I will not place you in danger. 7of9: I am Borg. Danger is irrelevant. My ego is not. Janeway: We noticed. 7of9: Besides, I can make that choice. You yourself said that I should learn to function independently. Janeway: Yeah. So I lied. 7of9: At any rate, I am interested in learning about cohabitation. So far, the only person who has pursued the matter was Kim, and I grow weary of waiting for him to actually become relevant. Janeway: He'll come around. In the old days, the only person who seemed interested was a guy named Mark, and he wasn't all that swift, either. So I get this ship lost in space, and suddenly every male I meet seems interested in at least flirting. Granted, they're nothing to brag about, but they're better than what I had before. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? 7of9: You are in no hurry to leave the Delta quadrant. Janeway: Remember, you didn't hear it from me. Neelix: [walks in] I brought you something to drink. [walks out, muttering] Lousy viewers, telling Paramount to marginalize my role. After all I've done for them.... 7of9: So, what will we do? Janeway: I don't know. I just don't know. [Shot of ship.] Neelix: [v.o., muttering] I'll show them. I'll make them pay. Mwa, ha, ha.... [Commercials] [Pinhead is cackling about how powerful he is. His hostages nod, not really paying attention. Suddenly, Tom's communicator pin starts flashing yellow.] Torres: What is that? A reminder of intruder alert? Paris: No. I just hooked it up so it would flash rather than beep. It's less conspicuous. Torres: Uh, huh. Well, I guess that you'd better answer it. Paris: Any ideas on how I can get out of earshot. Kim: You can use the same method that they showed in the story. Paris: Yeah, good idea. [Walks up to Pinhead.] Uh, excuse me. I was wondering if you'd let me wander the holodeck, and away from your sight. You know, so I can plot your demise and maybe search for hidden weapons? Pinhead: Yeah, sure. Why not? Paris: Thanks. [Runs off.] Doc: [appears] Sir, we have decided that you really should change your demands? Pinhead: WHAT?!? Doc: Otherwise, the PC police will block this episode. Pinhead: Oh. Well, let me think.... Doc: That said, Seven has mentioned finding you very attractive. Pinhead: Do you think I'd fall for such obvious flattery? Doc: I guess not. You're obviously much too smart for that. Pinhead: Really? You think so? Kim: This is scarier than when I was in the hospital with that Fear guy. Torres: Well, here's something scarier. We've got fanfic sign! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] All: [enter theater] Paris: Help is on the way. > JOEL: No. Since you have the communicators, I wired you to indicate an > incoming call. Maybe it's from Mike! Torres: If not, you can always press Tom's nose to activate the call waiting. > > GYPSY: I hope so. > > (Joel pushes the button on Tom's chest) Kim: Poppin Fresh Doughboy in a role you won't believe. > > JOEL: Hello... Paris: [singing] I love you. Won't you tell me your name? > > MIKE (over communicator): Joel? Man it's good to hear your voice! Torres: [Mike] Why don't you ever call? > > JOEL: What happened? Why did you break orbit? Kim: Well, it all started when I visited Taco Bell. > > MIKE: I didn't....That pod from Deep 13 is a robot called Timmy! Torres: Uh, no. The robot INSIDE the pod is called Timmy. The pod is a horse with no name. > > CROW: Timmy? Timmy! TIMMY!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!! Paris: Oh, no. They're gonna break out into a rock song. > > TOM: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Paris: [Tom] Oh, no. Joel spilled soda on me! Kim: [Joel] Oh, my God. I killed Servo! Torres: [Gypsy] You bastard! > > JOEL: Calm down, you guys! How did you call us? Kim: [Joel] Damn it, I thought I had gotten an unlisted number. > > MIKE: A secret panel under door 4 in the hall. Paris: [Mike] We're thinking of trading it for what's behind door number three. > Cambot and I are hiding > there! Torres: [Cambot] Hurry up and save me. Mike Nelson is getting some strange ideas. Boys: Belanna! Torres: [Cambot] Uh, like going out to play 3-card monty. > > JOEL: Just tell me your co-ordinates! > > MIKE: Cambot will send them to you. Kim: [Mike] Uh, you will be paying for postage and handling, right? > > (Joel's pod receives the co-ordinates) > > JOEL: OK, just sit tight...we're on our way! Paris: [Joel] To wackiness! > > CROW: No no not....TIMMY!! > > JOEL: Don't worry. We've defeated him before and we'll defeat him > again. All: [singing] And we can defeat him again, and we shall defeat him again. Oh, we did it before.... > > GYPSY: SO LET'S KICK SOME TIMMY ASS!!!! Torres: [Gypsy] There. I made it rated PG-13 so we can get more viewers. I hope you're happy. > > (Joel, Tom, and Crow look at Gypsy strangely) Paris: [Tom] Psst. You've got spinach between your teeth. > > GYPSY: Sorry, it just slipped out. Kim: Oh, gross! She let chewed spinach fall to the ground. > > TOM: Joel and Gypsy are right! LET'S GO!! Kim: [Joel] Uh, we're already going. Paris: [Tom] We can escape this fanfic if we hurry. > > (the pod continues its course and eventually meets up with the SOL. Torres: [Pod] Hi. SOL? I'm the one who answered your matchmaker ad.... > Timmy notices the pod and gears up the SOL's new defense weapons to fire) Paris: [Timmy] Cut me off on the freeway, huh! I'll show you! > > JOEL: Gypsy, you told me that the Satellite has weaponry now, right? Kim: Actually, it was supposed to be a secret, just like the repair kit and the drawbridge computer. > > GYPSY: Yup! Those men from the Dominion installed them. Torres: [Gypsy] They said something about firing on San Francisco when we get a chance. It sounds strange, but I don't see why not. > > JOEL: So what are the capabilities of those weapons? Kim: Uh, they shoot things? > > GYPSY: Well, they're pretty strong! > > TOM: Gypsy, you picked the wrong time to be vague! Paris: [Tom] This is the scene where we're supposed to be speaking technobabble. Remember? > > JOEL: Let me put it another way...can they destroy the pod? > > GYPSY: Oh, no problem! Torres: [Gypsy] I shut down the pod's shielding just to make sure. > > CROW: We're doomed!! Kim: Please let that be foreshadowing. All: Please! > > (Timmy fires. Clear miss!) Paris: [Timmy] Sigh. I can't keep hostages from escaping and I can't fire a laser with targeting controls. I'm a failure as a villain.... Torres: He could still beat Van Damme, I bet. > > TOM: Oh, I get it! Timmy not only looks like Crow, he AIMS like him > too! > > CROW: That was not funny Kim: [Crow] I'm tired of you guys making fun of my urology problems. > > TOM: But it's true...remember our Nerf arrowshot game 5 years before we > shut ourselves down? All: [Singing] Those were the days my friend. We thought they'd never end... > > CROW: But Gypsy had my arms pinned! Torres: But the only way Gypsy could do that is if she shoved his head and arms into her mouth.... Paris: Robots have weird dating rituals. Accept it. > > TOM: Face it, you're a bad shot! Paris: [Tom] You suck. So, wanna help us save the day? > > (Timmy fires again.... Kim: [Timmy] Well, it's layoff time, people.... > slight nick... Torres: The lesser known Slim Claus typically came through the mail slot during Yom Kippur and other fast days.... > pod rocks) Paris: The new candy from the marketers with too much time on their hands.... > > GYPSY: We can't take another hit like that again! Torres: [Gypsy] The Pod Rocks album just blew me away. Kim: What? No "shields at 47 percent" statement? > > JOEL (to Tom and Crow): You guys, cut it out...we have to work together > here! > > TOM: I have a plan! Paris: [Balki] Oh, God. Kim: [Sledge Hammer] Trust me. I know what I'm doing. > We'll transport to the Satellite and get Timmy! > > CROW: And how do we do that? Paris: [Tom] We'll mail ourselves through UPS. What do you think, moron? > > TOM: Simple...we'll use the transporters! > > JOEL: Uh...Tom...WHAT transporters? > Torres: [Tom] Well, how about the transporters that Gypsy used to get the pod on the SOL and to beam us down from the station? Would those work? Paris: [Joel] Only if Timmy decides to beam us up. > TOM: Oh yeah....right. Kim: [Joel] I wanted to get a ship with transporters. But no.... We had to get the sports model. Torres: Judging from the fact that most vehicles *have* transporters, I'm guessing this is more the Dodge Neon model. Paris: Hi. > > GYPSY: Wait a minute....maybe I can access the SOL from here. > > (Gypsy tinkers with the pod computer's OS) > > GYPSY: IT'S A UNIX SYSTEM! Torres: [Gypsy] So *that's* how Timmy will destroy the SOL. He took off Windows NT and put on a new OS. Kim: [Joel] But that wouldn't hurt us, unless.... Paris: [Tom] Uh, oh. We just entered the Bill Gates Zone. Starship Explorer will engage us in five minutes. They've already powered weapons. > Let's see....telnet > sol.deep13.gizmonics..... I'm in! Torres: [Gypsy] Even though I'm part of the stations artificial intelligence and have been operating the ship for years, I didn't think I'd ever pull off using my account. Paris: So, Timmy forgot to change the password? Kim: Oh, he changed it. The new password was the original password backwards. > Here goes..... > > (Meanwhile...back on the Satellite) > > MIKE: I hope they come soon.... Kim: [Mike] I'm running out of nachos. > > (Door 5 opens and Timmy stands in the doorway with some kind of weapon) Paris: We're not sure what it is. Actually, it kinda looks like a watermelon, but it's got a nozzle.... > > MIKE: Well....goodbye cruel world... Torres: And action and suspense finally occur. > > (Timmy falls to the ground revealing Joel and the other bots) Torres: And action and suspense die in infancy. > > MIKE: JOEL!! > > JOEL: Hey Mike...glad to see us? > > MIKE: Am I ever! Kim: [Mike] Give me those Nachos! Now! > > (minutes later) > > TOM: Do you really think it was necessary to melt Timmy in front of the > old rocket 9? Paris: [Tom] I *was* trying to eat breakfast, you know. Torres: Should have done it in front of the new and improved rocket nine. > > JOEL: Well, melting was the only way to kill the Terminator, wasn't it? Kim: [Joel] Sure, doing it in front of Rocket 9 on our orbiting satellite meant lighting a fire in space. But wasn't the special effects worth the increased complexity? > > TOM: Yeah. but this was a shabbily built robot! Torres: Should have gotten their villain from Japan, instead of a US factory. Paris: Good God, man! Has "Invasion of the Neptune Men" taught you nothing? > > CROW: Hey, guys! I got some good news! Kim: [Crow] I'm going to have a baby! > > MIKE: What? Torres: That was my reaction, too. > > CROW: Pinkus-VII just blew up! All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Sobbing] Paris: Not the tragic but lovable Hod Dog Vendor! Kim: My God. The only helpful customs officer in the Universe? Dead? Torres: And the wonderful Used Car Vendor? Oh, why must the good die so young? > > JOEL: That's good news?? Kim: [Crow] Damn straight. It's about time we got rid of them Commies. Paris: It's all right, Torres. It's just a fanfic. They aren't real. Torres: [sobbing] I know. But it's so sad.... Such a senseless tragedy.... But maybe something good will come from learning the pain of a civilization destroyed.... Maybe the author will help us come together in a showing of what our true morality should be. > > TOM: I see...I see...wait...that means...WE GET TO KEEP THE POD!! All: [Open mouthed stare.] > > GYPSY: Cool Torres: WHAT?!? Paris: Now, Belanna.... Torres: An entire civilization dying out is okay if you gain materially? The moral of this fanfic is to forget humanity in favor of a fancy car? Kim: Maybe it's a Seinfeld crossover. > > CROW: Yeah! A '68 classic pod with all the extras! Kim: Look on the bright side. They lost their deposit. Paris: I'm sure that's worth the fact that we watched every single Starfleet ideal get spit on. Torres: Sometimes, I wonder if we're any better than the Cardassians or the Romulans. Would we stick to our ideals, or would we sell out at our first available opportunity? How could this happen? Paris: The question is "How can we keep this from happening again?" Kim: The "DS9: Past Tense" skit, ladies and gentlemen. > > TOM: So where do we go next? Paris: Might I suggest the opposite direction from whatever destroyed the planet? Torres: [Gypsy] Guys. There's a small moon coming toward us with a tractor beam activated. > > MIKE: I hear Darius-II is nice this time of year! Kim: [Mike] And we can keep the time-share condominium if the entire civilization dies out from plague. > > TOM: Then let's go! And don't spare the ions! Paris: [Tom] We have to hurry to get to our vacation. > > (SOL goes to it's next course) > Torres: Oh, so Darius II is a golf planet. > > T H E E N D > Torres: Well, it was difficult, but we made it. Paris: Whew. I don't know what I would have done if there was any more. [All get up to leave.] > > PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS... Kim: The hell? Paris: Curses! We've been tricked! [All sit down.] Torres: Well, maybe we'll be lucky. It could be the "Phantom Menace" trailer. > > #104 -- Deep Space 13 Torres: Dax returns from the dead - with a new hockey mask.... > The Satellite crew comes across the descendants of Dr. Forrester > and TV's Frank in a remote space station located in the toughest > part of the galaxy. Paris: Bronx, New York. > > #105 -- The Gods ARE Crazy Kim: So that's why episodes like this exist. > Joel, Mike, and the bots go to planet Darius-II, where they are > worshipped as gods by the natives, who have recently picked up old > Comedy Central broadcasts, Torres: So the natives worship people because of TV shows? Paris: Sort of like Trekkies, except more advanced. Torres: What's a.... Boys: Later! > but Assembly 'missionaries' would KILL > to shatter the natives' dream! Paris: Of an age when all men, regardless of their color, will watch puppets talk about bad movies. Kim: As an added danger, the high priests find out the "Gods" forgot to pay membership dues. > > *********************************************************************** Kim: [raises hand to touch star line] For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky! > * From: gu093kmd@icsun.sunnet.ithaca.edu * Torres: Oh, good. It's a multiple choice test. > * * > * Addams (Always look on the bright side of DEATH!!) * Paris: You never have to hear Chakotay's voice again. Chakotay: [v.o.] I heard that. All: D'oh! Paris: I figured that if they liked it once, they'd love it twice. > * * > * Mystery Science Theater Adventures is a work of fan-fiction not * > * intended for profit, but only for fun reading. Kim: Ironically, it failed on both counts. Torres: Well, he wanted to make sure there wouldn't be a profit. > Any similarity to * > * real persons, living or dead, is unintentional. * Torres: The names were made up. H. Ross Perot really does not exist. > * * > * Characters from Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel * > * Hodgson and Michael J. Nelson. Copyright 1988, 1990, 1993 All: Hike! > Best * > * Brains Productions * Paris: They copywrote the show THREE times? I thought Disney lawyers were thorough! > * * > * All other characters created by Emi M. Briet -- Copyright 1994 * Torres: And were immediately killed off in the name of avarice! Paris: Honey, you have to let that go. > * * > * Mystery Science Theater Adventures -- "The Dark Half" -- C 1994 * Kim: Is not available in stores. If you would like a copy, well, then we pity you. > *********************************************************************** Paris: Is that it? Torres: Uh, I think so. > Paris: You're sure, now. I don't want to walk out in the middle. Kim: I did. Torres: Come on, let's go. > [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Pinhead: So. Would you care to give us a report, my puppet friends? Hhmmmm? Torres: [whispering] I can't believe.... Paris: [To Torres] Ssh. [Speaking loudly again.] Uh, yes. In fact, Torres wrote a song. About how much we enjoyed Timmy. Pinhead: Really? How adequately interesting. Kim: Anyway, we need to access Holodeck control. Adequate staging and all that. Pinhead: Oh, fine. Torres: [rolling eyes] Computer, activate program Torres-Star-sixty-nine. [The Holodeck changes so that one half of the deck is a dance floor. The other is a fully equipped sound stage, including a drum that prominently displays "Belanna and the Boys." Torres, Paris and Kim get on stage, and their clothes immediately change to 1980's "heavy metal" styles. They all hold guitars.] Paris: [whispering to Torres] You definitely have an interesting style. Torres: [whispering back] Oh, shut up. I can't believe you talked me into this.... Kim: [whispering] Will you two knock it off? We need to distract him until the tachyon converters are in place. Torres: [gives a fake smile reminiscent of someone with gas.] Uh, hi. Yes, we're going to do a ballad of how much we enjoyed the Timmy.... Pinhead: Wait a second. Where do I sit? [Holodeck doors open. Chakotay, Tuvok and Doc enter. Chakotay is holding a director's chair.] Chakotay: Right here, friend. Pinhead: Thanks. [He sits down. Doc gets on his right, Tuvok on his left. Chakotay stands behind him.] Say, don't you need a seat? Doc: Uh, no thanks. We're quite comfortable. Pinhead: Really? You're not lying, are you? Tuvok: We are comfortable. I am a Vulcan. I cannot lie, unless I'm tracking Maquis. Then I get special compensation after two Hail Mary's and a Rosary. Pinhead: Oh, okay. Torres: Hey. Are we gonna do this? Kim: I think they're ready. Paris: Well, so are we. Hit it! [The song pieces are indented, and sung to the tune of "Hey, Mickey."] Torres: Hey, Timmy. You're so fine. When you shoot us, we don't mind. Hey Timmy. [All clap] Hey Timmy. Paris: Hey Timmy. There's no blame. It's not your fault if you can't aim. Hey Timmy. Hey Timmy. Kim: Hey Timmy. You're so fine. When you're blasted from behind. Hey Timmy. Hey Timmy. [Pinhead joins in rhythm clapping.] All: Hey Timmy. What's the rush. Why no plans for some ambush? Paris: Hey Timmy..... Kim: A 5... 6... 7... 8... All: Oh, Timmy. What a pity, throughout history. You're the most pathetic villain since the Kazon came to be. Oh, Timmy. What a pity you don't ever see. Torres: We want you to be our enemy. Cause you're easy, Timmy. Easy, Timmy. In every way, Timmy. [Shot of Pinhead enjoying it, and the rest of the audience studying Pinhead. Then switch back to the stage.] Torres: Your history began over inside a block of ice. Trapped in a space capsule in a way that wasn't nice. A rip-off from Lore, and your body paid the price. Boys: Oh-oh. Oh. Ee. Ooohhhhhhhhhh. Torres: You waited for revenge, and you didn't wait in vain. [Shot of Pinhead dancing in chair.] You were released by Mike for reasons no one can explain. [shot of Pinhead's chair glowing.] Now, your plan could be enacted. You could be a major pain. [shot back to stage.] All: Tim-my? Timmy! Timmy!! Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, Timmy. What a pity, you don't understand. When you want to rule the world, you should start out with a plan. Oh, Timmy. That's okay. My black one, don't you see? Torres: We want you to be our enemy. Cause you're easy, Timmy. Easy, Timmy. In every way, Timmy. [shot of Pinhead, then move camera to spot over Pinhead to lights. Song is v.o. panning and still shot of lights.] Paris: Your first job when awake was to take the S-O-L. [Person's uniform moves in front of camera shot.] From your awe-inspiring silence, your plans you'd never tell. But I bet to meet an entity. Crystal? That rings a bell. All: Oh-oh. Oh. Ee. Ooohhhhhhhhhh. [Camera pulls back to show Janeway. 7of9 is behind her.] Paris: Your carjacking scheme worked, but you left the driver 'board. He wandered 'round the ship. Causing trouble. He was bored. Why you let him run around is a reason unexplored. All: Tim-my? Timmy! Timmy!! Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! [Shot of Janeway working on equipment. Then switch back to stage.] All: Oh, Timmy. What a shame, you lost within round one. You were beaten by Yuppies who served the Dom-in-ion. Oh, Timmy. Be my evil one. Why don't you see? Torres: We want you to be our enemy. Cause you're easy, Timmy. Easy, Timmy. In every way, Timmy. [Music interlude.] [Shot of Janeway and 7of9. Janeway is holding a stage light, and 7of9 is waving a pez dispenser at it. Er, I mean that it's an electrostatic... thingy. (TM)] Janeway: Those guys were brave. Writing a song and performing just to keep our friend occupied. 7of9: Apparently, talent is irrelevant. Janeway: Congratulations. You understand hard rock. 7of9: Captain? Janeway: Forget it. 7of9: It is done. We can finish the calibrations, now. [7of9 moves to make one last beep and the object slides out of her hands. Janeway catches it with her feet, and an upward shot shows that if the object fell, it would land on Pinhead's head. Slowly, Janeway struggles to get it back up.] Kim: When you saw the ship attacking, you put up a valiant fight. [Janeway grabs the object with her left hand.] Janeway: You should be more careful. Kim: First you turned off the computer so it couldn't target right. [Janeway places the object on a horizontal beam and it slides off.] Janeway: Oops. Kim: Then you checked on the hostages, and you left on all the lights. [Object hits Pinhead in the head.] All: Oh-oh. Oh. Ee. Ooohhhhhhhhhh. [Pinhead looks at the object. Then he shrugs and continues watching the show.] Kim: You let the crew hack in, 'cause UNIX you didn't know. And so your ineptness let them make their final blow. [Chakotay, Tuvok and Doc remove panels from the walls. Ray guns pop out, aimed at pinhead.] But we really like your style, so we scream out of control. All: Tim-my? Timmy! Timmy!! Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, Timmy. We don't pity you. We like your style. You don't have any skills, but you make up in denial. Oh, Timmy. We still root for you. Why don't you see? Torres: We want you to be our enemy. Cause you're easy, Timmy. Easy, Timmy. In every way, Timmy. All: Oh, Timmy. Be our enemyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yes, we want you to be our enemyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Oh, Timmy! Be our enemy! [At last syllable, music stops. Torres smashes her guitar, 80's rock style.] Pinhead: Bravo. Maybe I'll forget about getting on with the drone. My dear Torres, you seem more my style. Janeway: [drops down near Pinhead, using dramatic "rope sliding" method.] I'm afraid that you'll be getting on without anyone. Pinhead: What? Why you.... [Tries to stand up, but is stuck. Chair sticks to floor and begins glowing.] What? You tricked me! [Pinhead also glows.] How dare you! [Torres aims the guitar neck at Pinhead and a ray shoots out and hits Pinhead. The ray guns also hit Pinhead.] Janeway: NOW! 7of9: [presses button. Huge ray of light shoots out.] He is a hologram on top of a hologram. But he has a device that allows him to control the Holodeck. He is using it now, but I can deactivate it. [Large egg-shaped device falls out of the glowing Pinhead. Janeway shoots it with her phaser. Immediately, Pinhead begins changing shape.] Torres: Oh my God! It's.... It's.... All: Dr. Forrester? Dr. F: Oh, poopy. Paris: But that doesn't make any sense. Kim: That never stopped us before. Paris: I mean.... How did Dr Forrester get on the ship? In the future? With a giant easter egg? Dr. F: First of all, I am not the real Dr Forrester. I am a hologram, you idiot. 7of9: [Lowers herself to the floor.] He is correct. Apparently, we have a hologram that has achieved self-awareness. And you are an idiot. Doc: I'm afraid it's my fault. I've been practicing my riffing skills and I asked the computer to create a MAD that could find the worst fanfics. Obviously, he needed the computer for that.... Dr. F: Yes. While learning about your ship, I came across some TNG episodes about a similar occurence with Professor Moriarity. I realized that it was futile to request life, and instead decided to request a life. Speaking of which, now that you're here, Miss Seven.... 7of9: Your horniness is irrelevant. Dr. F: Well, the important thing is that my invention works. Well, it did before you zapped it.... Captain, may I request that I be put in a yellow cube so I can think I'm actually living. Janeway: Sorry. We didn't let that Cardassian hologram stick around, so I'm not letting some pixel that pissed me off. Computer, terminate program. Dr. F: No! You can't do that! Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! [Dr. F begins to disappear.] Dr. F: Oh, I guess you can. Damn. [Dr. F vanishes.] Doc: Captain. May I now begin to wax philosophical about the desires of achieving consciousness? Janeway: Go ahead. I'm just glad my crew is no longer in danger. [Neelix's quarters. Neelix is wearing a trenchcoat and holding two shotguns.] Neelix: After an accidental viewing of "The Matrix," I realized what needed to be done. Now, vengence shall be mine! Mwa, ha, ha! [He shoots the camera and the screen goes blank. Poof!] Neelix: [v.o.] After I play five more levels of Quake. [Roll Credits] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all characters are trademarks of and copyright (c) 1994 by Best Brains, inc. Best Brains have absolutely no idea about this post, so don't call them up and complain. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Star Trek: Voyager, and all characters are trademarks of Paramount Pictures. They don't know about this post either. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks by Best Brains, inc., or Paramount Pictures, inc., is intended or should be inferred. This post is copyrighted (c) 1997 by Melvin Pollack. Use of this article or parts of this article for any purpose other than entertainment requires my express permission. Mystery Science Theater Adventures is written by Emi Briet and maintained by her on the web page: http://home.earthlink.net/~emiofbrie/mst3kadv/ No offense was meant toward her. This post is for entertainment purposes, and was not designed to insult any particular person or group. Any and all offensive remarks are completely accidental. To any people or groups that are offended, I sincerely apologize and wish to stress that the offense was not intentional. Thanks to Anthony Castellino for suggesting "Hey Mickey" as the tune for the Host Seg song about Timmy. Other suggestions were made by: Catherine Johnson, Jim Lauwers, Sylvan SilverNight and Kuno Kocchy. Thanks also to Mel Pent and Jeffrey Ray Roberts for editing the MiSTing. This post was written without causing pain to any animals. Void where prohibited. Post no bills. > > (Joel and the bots get into the pod and take off) > > CROW: ...hoser! >